Lover, sweetheart, companion, couple, fiancé, spouse… various words came to mind, but none of them were easy to utter.
Just the thought of being in that kind of relationship with Taewhan made my heart feel like it would burst.
But.
“…”
Taewhan still did not answer my question.
He must have heard the words.
The hand that was caressing me had stopped moving.
He didn’t seem to be asleep either.
Yet, he kept his lips tightly sealed.
“…Taewhan?”
I couldn’t understand.
Why was there still no answer?
The answer must already be decided within him, so why?
I grew anxious.
My chest, which was still dry and brittle from lack of hydration, finally seemed to catch fire and grew hot.
At the same time, I felt a hot moisture building up inside my body.
My heart instantly filled with a desperate cry, as if it was being completely wrung out and laid bare.
“Se-Sex is something you do when you’re in love.”
You said that. You taught me that.
Please. I wished he would just say something.
Anything, so I could be sure.
I had waited long enough, hadn’t I?
Before we were together, and even during the act, I had conveyed my feelings countless times, so now it was Taewhan’s turn to answer.
Clearly it was, and yet, he didn’t reply.
In the end, I had to open my mouth again.
“Taewhan. I, you lo—”
“Stop.”
My lips were sealed.
By Taewhan’s large hand.
Our naturally intertwined bodies separated, creating a distance between us.
So, by simply lifting my gaze, I could see Taewhan’s face.
“I know how you feel, so stop talking about it.”
As soon as I confirmed Taewhan’s expression, my vision blurred.
At first, it was tears, but soon it hardened and turned into frost.
My head and my heart instantly cooled down, just like that.
I raised both hands and took his hand away from my mouth.
“I… see. You know.”
The reason we had sex in the first place was for Taewhan to confirm my feelings.
It wasn’t an act of love, but an act of confirmation.
He knew all along, and I had foolishly harbored hope.
Because the act felt so good, I had made a huge mistake.
…Ah, I felt so small.
“I’m sorry.”
Even though I heard it clearly with my own ears, I couldn’t immediately understand Taewhan’s words.
He was speaking our shared native language, and it was the most basic apology, yet my mind couldn’t quickly process the meaning of the word.
No, I actually knew, but I wanted to deny it.
I wished it was the word I wanted to hear.
I wished I had misheard.
I wished it was ‘I love you,’ not ‘I’m sorry.’
“I’m truly sorry, Jaehee.”
But because Taewhan repeated his apology, I could no longer ignore reality.
This made it certain.
I was rejected.
Completely.
Without any room for alternative interpretation.
My long-held love was not reciprocated.
I had to fold it up and send it away.
Far away, as if it had never existed in this world.
For a moment, everything went black, but I quickly raised my head.
It was strange that I could manage a smile, even though I felt miserable, as if my heart had been torn out. It wasn’t even difficult.
…Perhaps I was a bigger liar than I thought.
“…What is there to be sorry about?”
“Everything. I’m sorry for everything.”
“Then… I’ll leave right away. I’ll get my luggage later, for now…”
“I am truly sorry.”
“…”
Yesterday, right up until I lost consciousness from the repeated acts, we were one.
Since childhood, we had always stuck together as if we were ‘two in one,’ but in that moment, we were truly one.
We kissed, caressed, and shared our most intimate parts, exchanging body and spirit.
No, the spirit… it seemed I was the only one who gave mine away.
A bitter smile appeared on my lips. I closed my eyes and took a breath.
But if I looked at it logically, I hadn’t lost anything.
I was planning to leave the house anyway, and I was the one who loved Taewhan and wished to have sex with him even once, so I had fulfilled my wish.
I had ‘sex with the Taewhan I love,’ something that might have been impossible for the rest of my life.
That act, too, felt incredibly good.
It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say it was a perfect first experience.
If I hadn’t been greedy and hoped for more, I wouldn’t be feeling this way now.
“I… I can’t even face you. You can resent me, Jaehee. I’m sorry.”
Seeing Taewhan continuously apologizing made me feel more guilty, and I wanted to stop his lips.
This thought immediately translated into action.
- Jjok.
When I gave him a short kiss, he fell silent.
I saw Taewhan’s eyes widen, so I hastily lowered my gaze.
Actually, it was something I shouldn’t have done. I was aware of that much. But…
“A farewell kiss. That was the last one. I won’t do it again. I’m going to get dressed and leave right away. I’ll contact you when I’m settled, and I’ll get my luggage then.”
I had been indebted to this house for a long time.
I should have offered my thanks, but I just couldn’t bring myself to face Taewhan.
Instead, I stretched out my arms and hugged him.
“Thank you for preparing this house so much for me.
I spent so long in the hospital that I thought I’d spend my whole life there, and since my awakening was sudden, I didn’t know where to go, but thanks to you, I had my own space right after discharge, and I liked it.
It felt like I was being welcomed… like I was given a gift congratulating me on entering the world and enduring well all this time.
You and this house were so wonderful that I wanted to stay longer.”
“Jaehee, then keep…”
I covered Taewhan’s lips with my hand just as he opened his mouth, as if he was waiting for me to show a moment of weakness.
I took a deep breath and exhaled it out.
“But I have to leave.”
I released my arms from his broad back, sat up, and dangled my legs off the bed.
After spending such a fierce time, coupling our bodies countless times and colliding with wet, messy sounds, any part of my body should have been difficult to move, but I was perfectly fine.
I wasn’t stiff anywhere.
The only discomfort was maybe that the opening below was slightly swollen.
Even this wasn’t severe.
There wasn’t a single excuse for me to stay.
“I’m the one who’s sorry for leaving like this. But this is the right thing to do…”
I shouldn’t cry.
If I cried now, it would be the worst kind of parting.
I didn’t want to regret loving Taewhan, so I needed to be composed.
But that was my limit.
‘I’m fine, nothing is changing, let’s stay friends, today was good, let’s pretend it never happened.’
Many words came to mind that I could use to console Taewhan in this situation, but I couldn’t utter a single one.
I just moved my lips a few times before getting up from the spot.
Whatever I said, it would feel like a big, blatant lie, devoid of even a shred of sincerity.
I didn’t want to end the night I spent with Taewhan, body and soul, with a lie.
I simply stood up quietly.
“…Jaehee.”
Taewhan, who had been silently watching me with a face close to tears since the kiss, suddenly grabbed my wrist.
“Food. At least eat something before you go.”
He gripped my hand tightly, as if he wouldn’t let go, and continued.
“I haven’t prepared anything yet, but I’ll make something quickly. So even if you leave this house, eat before you go.”
Hearing his words, I realized I was starving.
How long had it been since I last ate?
I had thought about eating something in between, but both Taewhan and I were too heated to spare any time for food.
We were just busy wetting our throats and immediately putting our lips back together.
“Then…, yes. I’ll eat.”
If I were to send Taewhan away hungry in this situation, I would regret it later.
We had been starving and having sex a lot; it wouldn’t be right to send him off without food.
Most importantly, I didn’t want to leave Taewhan with a burden on his conscience.
When I nodded, Taewhan’s expression immediately brightened, and he ran straight to the kitchen.
Left alone, I slowly looked around the room.
‘My room…’
It was my first ever complete ‘own room,’ and a room where many memories with Taewhan were built.
I found myself idly stroking the blanket.
After lying down with my face buried in the pillow, I forced myself to get up.
I got dressed and packed a small bag.
I didn’t feel the need to pack a lot of things, so I only took items necessary for the next few days.
After all, most of the things weren’t brought by me but were originally in the house…
“Jaehee, food’s ready.”
“Yes! I’m coming!”
In the meantime, the quick-handed Taewhan had finished the meal.
I put my bag by the door and headed to the kitchen.
Taewhan, wearing an apron, was waiting for me there.
