This breath, this sigh, this body temperature, the thick arm firmly supporting my waist, the hand caressing my cheek.
The broad back that overflowed even when I hugged him with all my strength.
I pressed my body tightly against him to feel Taewhan with my whole being.
I wanted to open my mouth wider and give him everything: my lips, my tongue, even the very edge of my breath.
Did he understand my desire?
“Ha.”
With a short gasp, he completely took the lead, just as I wished.
He pulled my body closer and held me still, tilting my head back and delving deeply inside.
It was as if my breath, my mouth, and my body were no longer my own; I was barely reacting to his movements.
Taewhan’s excited breathing was hot and became noticeably rougher, but my own breathing was two or three times as shallow and rapid.
Was it due to the lack of oxygen?
My already hazy mind became even more dizzy.
But I was, undoubtedly, happy.
‘I… love this.’
Though I’m only saying it now, I think I wanted this all along.
That is, a ‘kiss’ with Taewhan.
A ‘kiss’ is an act shared with a loved one, an act of concentrating solely on each other.
Because I wanted to be loved by Taewhan.
Because I wanted to have him all to myself.
“Je, ugh.”
“Haa. Don’t… stop…”
Did he regret pushing me too hard?
I was gasping for air and following his movements in a frenzy, but at a certain point, his movements slowed, and he seemed to be trying to pull his lips away.
Taewhan was always a considerate and kind friend, so good-natured that he was probably worried that I couldn’t breathe.
But the one he was trying to be considerate of didn’t even want the chance to catch my breath.
My thirst was too intense.
I wanted to stay connected to him for a little longer. Without opening my eyes, I instinctively reached out my arms.
I wrapped them around his thick neck, stood on my tiptoes, and searched for his lips to press mine against them.
I didn’t find them right away, but on the second try, I felt that warm sensation.
We crushed and rubbed each other’s lips repeatedly.
We fumbled for a while, but it was still warm, moist, and soft, just like when our lips first met.
When I begged with my mouth open, kissing him, he finally gave in.
With a laugh full of affection, he plunged back into my mouth.
‘More, just a little more…’
I couldn’t do this the last time we kissed.
I was aware that we were doing something ‘friends’ shouldn’t do, and I had to deceive myself because I felt that everything would end the moment I admitted it to myself and to Taewhan.
But now, I was here solely to kiss.
I could do anything.
I could honestly express that I wanted more.
- Chup.
A heavily wet sound was now coming from where we were joined.
It was the same sound as when he had licked my ear once.
The sound itself was stimulating, and my body tensed up.
More specifically, my lower abdomen ached. It was hot, as if the imprint of Taewhan’s hand when he pressed my stomach, asking if I could ‘do gay sex,’ had remained there.
‘It would be great if he… touched me.’
I wasn’t asking for my genitalia.
I just wanted him to touch me a little more, anywhere.
Not just holding my waist steady and supporting my jaw for a kiss, but my body.
Even just my shoulders and arms would be fine.
“Touch… me. Mmm.”
Unable to hold back, I grabbed the hand caressing my cheek and tried to pull it down to my chest, but I was met with strong resistance.
He stubbornly refused to touch my body, only stroking my hair.
It felt like he was scolding me, asking why I would say such a thing.
I felt wronged. He touched my body so naturally during the hospital days and even afterward, so why was it a no now?
“Hngh, oh…. Mmm.”
He pressed the kiss harder, as if telling me to focus only on that.
It felt so good that I sometimes forgot to breathe due to the pressure on my lips and the increasingly tangled movement of our tongues, but precisely because of that, my longing grew.
I wanted to be closer to Taewhan, and I wanted to feel his warm hands.
But since he wouldn’t touch me, only one option remained.
I pressed my body against him and gently rubbed myself against him.
For some reason, my chest, especially the nipples, had hardened, and that area must have been particularly sensitive.
Every time it rubbed against Taewhan’s body, it felt ticklish and good.
If Taewhan were to touch me there himself, it would be truly wonde—
“Je, Hee, wait a minute.”
My eyes snapped open the moment I heard the unfamiliar voice.
I pulled away and slowly lifted my gaze, and a man’s face came into my sight.
The person whose lips I had just been kissing.
A flushed face. Translucent black-brown eyes.
A look and gaze of affectionate love, as if he adored me… but facing him, a chill ran through my entire body, as if the blood had drained from me.
My fingertips turned cold, as if my body had never been aroused.
“Ah.”
I realized the reality.
The person I was kissing right now was not Taewhan.
It was all my delusion.
A creeping sense of displeasure surfaced the moment I realized it.
Even the saliva on my lips felt disgusting, and I hastily wiped it with my sleeve.
And I gasped. I finally understood what I had done.
I hadn’t been kissing Taewhan.
Every action driven by my longing for Taewhan was directed at someone else.
I had clung to the wrong person.
I had obsessively pressed my lips against him and rubbed my body against his, begging to be touched.
“I-I’m sorry…”
I backed away, stumbling, desperately trying to put distance between us.
‘Why did I think it was Taewhan?’
I couldn’t believe myself.
There’s a limit to delusion, but I confused my idol with my friend.
How on earth could I think I was kissing Taewhan when we weren’t even together, and I was clearly out on a date with ‘Gray Coat’?
What kind of ridiculous behavior was this?
I committed the outrage of completely erasing the person who liked me enough to ask me out on a date.
Even if this man had many physical similarities to Taewhan…
‘Ah.’
My thoughts snapped, then reconnected with a flash of realization.
‘So that was it.’
It felt as though the damp, foggy, blurred haze in my mind had cleared completely.
Now I understood.
The reason I felt sexual attraction to this person.
This person resembles Taewhan.
There are subtle differences in height and build, but they are similar in that they can completely embrace me.
His kind demeanor, the way he stroked my hair, even his warmer-than-mine body.
There are subtle differences, but they are very similar.
Therefore…
‘I was in love with Taewhan.’
I hadn’t been feeling sexual attraction to ‘Gray Coat.’
I respected and was grateful to him for turning my ideal hero into reality, but that emotion was clearly nothing more and nothing less than my feelings towards an ‘idol.’
Instead, blocked by the massive defensive wall of ‘friend’ that I had subconsciously erected around Taewhan, I projected my feelings for him onto a similar entity.
That was the only explanation.
‘People can be friends, then lovers, and even spouses.’
My face immediately flushed hotly as I recalled Cha Taeyang’s words.
I could no longer deny it.
‘I love Taewhan.’
Beyond the feelings of a long-time ‘friend,’ and including the sexual meaning.
“I’m sorry. I-I think I need to go home now.”
It felt like a giant wall that had been obstructing my view for a long time had finally collapsed.
Light had finally entered my dark, gloomy mind, and it was so bright, and my craving for this light was so great.
“Jehe…”
“I am truly sorry! I’ll contact you when I get back.”
I bowed deeply in apology, then instantly turned around.
I just ran forward, looking only ahead.
I could only think that I had to go home, that I had to see Taewhan quickly.
I hailed a taxi without thinking and got near my house, but when it came time to actually go inside, I couldn’t move my feet.
Because Taewhan might be home.
He might not have returned yet, but he might be there.
I didn’t have the confidence to face Taewhan right now.
While I felt certain that I ‘loved’ him, I hadn’t sorted out my thoughts yet…
In the end, I couldn’t go home and wandered the streets instead.
Checking the time, it was earlier than I thought.
What should I say if someone asked why I came back so early?
And I was mortified about ‘Gray Coat.’
‘How could I just run away like that…’
Self-loathing crept in belatedly.
Not only did I mistake him for someone else while kissing him, but I also stood him up spectacularly.
I was staring at my message screen, agonizing over what apology I should offer if he called me out or asked for an explanation, but surprisingly, no message came, and it was quiet.
I naturally thought he would ask what was going on…
‘Is he giving me time to think because I looked so confused?’
If so, I was grateful.
My mind was still too complicated, and my feelings were churning…
A sense of alarm suddenly struck me: if I kept walking without a purpose, I might find myself lost on an unfamiliar road.
Especially since I rarely walked around this neighborhood and wasn’t familiar with it.
