* * *
The bus started moving, occasionally jolting.
Each jolt caused our upper bodies to rise, and my shoulder and thigh would sometimes brush against Kim Chanyi’s.
I turned my head to look out the window on purpose.
I didn’t know what expression Kim Chanyi had.
The reflection of my face in the window looked awkward.
The bus moved from the main road to a street lined with houses.
As it went over a speed bump, the bus jolted heavily.
My phone slipped out of my jeans pocket and fell to the floor.
“Oh.”
Luckily, it didn’t roll far.
It landed near Kim Chanyi’s feet.
Was that really lucky?
I leaned forward to pick up my phone.
As I straightened up, I unintentionally saw it.
Kim Chanyi’s groin.
The bulge there.
The back of his hand gripping his knee tightly.
The veins bulging on his pale hand.
I swallowed hard. I felt a cold sweat.
I slowly sat back up, trying to act nonchalant. It didn’t work well.
My heart was pounding. I didn’t know why.
“I could have picked it up for you.”
Startled by Kim Chanyi’s voice, I looked at him.
“No… I thought it would be more convenient if I picked it up.”
I turned my head the other way again.
Did I look awkward?
I squeezed my eyes shut.
Did he know why I was feeling awkward?
Kim Chanyi’s expression was very calm and innocent.
Despite how he looked below. Isn’t it too incongruous?
When he said he got excited looking at me, it was all true.
There are truths in this world that are happier not to know.
I shouldn’t have drunk.
I shouldn’t have asked those questions.
Ignorance was bliss.
But I was the one who provoked Kim Chanyi and threw away that bottle of bliss.
Who could I blame?
Lately, I feel like I’m going crazy.
No, I must already be crazy.
Ever since I saw Kim Chanyi’s bulge on the bus, my mind seems off.
Since then, whenever Kim Chanyi is nearby, my gaze unconsciously falls between his legs.
And usually, there was a bulge there.
Kim Chanyi was like a teenager getting excited just from holding his girlfriend’s hand in the early stages of dating.
I never thought I could sexually excite someone else.
I’m facing something I never imagined every day.
I couldn’t understand any of it.
How could Kim Chanyi smile normally in that state?
How could he act like nothing happened with me?
Kim Chanyi never intentionally touched me or acted provocatively.
He always maintained a certain distance and was polite.
His face had a clear, innocent glow, like someone who knew nothing of lust.
What on earth did Kim Chanyi want to do with me?
Does getting excited by looking at me mean he wants to have sex with me?
Can two men even do that?
Well, they can, but how?
So, is Kim Chanyi secretly imagining having sex with me with that face?
It’s absurd.
“What are you doing?”
Startled by a voice right behind me, I turned around.
It was Yoona.
I sighed and answered.
“You scared me.”
“Hurry up and clean table five. Why are you zoning out?”
“Huh? Oh. The customers left.”
I shook my head and went to clean the table.
Yoona looked at me strangely.
I’ve been zoning out a lot lately.
All because of Kim Chanyi.
After a while, Yoona approached me again.
“By the way, how long are you staying at Chanyi’s place?”
“Well, I’ll leave when the situation calls for it.”
“Didn’t you say you’d stay until summer?”
“Yeah.”
“So, you’ll leave soon. You seem to be doing fine at night these days.”
“Really? I don’t think it’s that good yet. It’s still summer, after all.”
Yoona looked at me strangely again.
“Oppa, why are you sighing so much?”
“It’s nothing. Don’t worry.”
“I’m not worried, I’m just annoyed because you’re not doing your job properly.”
“Oh… sorry.”
“Can you pull yourself together?”
I nodded quickly.
But I couldn’t focus until the end of the shift.
The questions blooming in my mind kept tormenting me.
How do men have sex, would it feel good, and is Kim Chanyi really imagining it with me?
As soon as the shift ended, I rushed home.
I greeted Kim Chanyi briefly and quickly took a shower.
I closed my room door tightly and buried myself under the blanket.
I took a deep breath.
I put on my earphones and turned on my phone.
Right now, for the first time in my life, I’m about to search for gay porn videos.
Soon, moans flowed into my ears through the earphones.
I flinched. On the small phone screen, explicit scenes unfolded.
Two muscular men were licking each other’s penis, rubbing each other’s buttocks, and kissing.
I swallowed hard. I felt suffocated and threw off the blanket wrapped around me.
The men on the screen looked like they were enjoying themselves.
Their penis were fully erect.
After a while, one man’s penis entered the other’s anus.
I covered my mouth with my hand.
The increasingly loud moans kept hitting my ears.
I watched, mesmerized, as the penis went in and out.
After a few minutes, my face suddenly felt hot, and I turned off the video.
I felt like I shouldn’t watch anymore.
I lay face down on the blanket and exhaled.
I didn’t want to accept the change happening to me.
I was aroused.
It was confusing.
The sensation of my penis being erect felt strange.
I thought I was someone with no sexual desire.
I had only searched for porn a few times on the internet and only masturbated occasionally.
I usually worried I might end up with erectile dysfunction.
My worries were unfounded, as my penis was now fully erect from watching two men have sex.
“Oh, damn.”
* * *
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