The moment I heard the words, my heart dropped with a thump.
It felt like my entire body had frozen. I couldn’t breathe, and I was speechless.
Should I have left after all?
Did he wish I had just disappeared while he was gone?
I clamped my trembling lips shut.
Swallowing my tears, I took a deep breath.
I stayed here to talk, so I had to speak. I needed to hear the reason clearly.
“I… I’m sorry. I know I should leave, but.”
“No, why haven’t you run away and why are you still here? I raped you.”
“Ra… ped?”
The word was so unexpected that its meaning didn’t fully register.
Rape.
Does that mean… he forced sexual intercourse?
At first, I wondered if he meant I raped him, but considering Taehwan held the initiative for the entire act, I didn’t think that was possible.
I became even more confused.
Taehwan raped me?
I was the one who wanted to do it because I liked Taehwan—why was he saying something like that?
“W-What do you mean.”
“You told me to stop, and I didn’t stop. I forced it. I came inside you without a condom.”
“It-It wasn’t forced. I never said ‘stop’!”
My mind was a mess from the whirlwind of emotions, so I didn’t clearly remember what I said or how I said it, but I was sure of that one thing.
I had vowed never to say that word.
I had repeated it countless times to myself.
I didn’t know why he misunderstood, but that wasn’t what was important to me now.
‘He didn’t hate doing it with me.’
That fact alone instantly melted the icy feeling in my heart.
The corners of my mouth trembled slightly.
My joy was short-lived, as the desire that hadn’t been satisfied by my own fingers surged up, as if waiting for my body to relax from the tension.
Heat rose throughout my body, and my lower abdomen felt itchy.
My gaze involuntarily went to the black plastic bag in Taehwan’s hand.
If what was inside was truly a condom… wouldn’t it be fair to assume he meant to continue using it from now on?
“Th-Then, Taehwan. Me, let’s do it just once more. Please. Just once. Please.”
I was startled after I spoke the words.
Oh my god, what was I babbling?
I guess I realized the desire couldn’t be resolved alone, and I was so desperate that it slipped out involuntarily.
I shouldn’t be like this.
I didn’t want to pathetically beg my first love and childhood friend for sex.
It sounded too cheap and lewd.
It was the kind of comment that would turn someone off, even if they hadn’t thought much about it.
But at the same time, it was my sincere wish.
I was desperate too.
I wanted to feel Taehwan more.
Hearing the talk about ‘rape,’ I thought about it.
We definitely had sex, but as Taehwan said, the act was closer to ‘rape’ than ‘making love.’
Taehwan unilaterally grabbed my waist and moved it, thrusting into me, and I just shook and felt it until I came.
If we were truly in love, it wouldn’t have been like that.
Wouldn’t we have held each other, kissed, and caressed each other?
Wouldn’t that have been better?
Not just penetrating and being penetrated like the act we just had.
Feeling each other’s warmth, caressing, sharing breaths, and then receiving his member and reaching climax while tightly embracing each other.
‘To end my first time like this…’
It’s a little sad.
Because I knew it could have been a better memory, especially since it was with Taehwan and no one else.
I just wanted to be embraced one more time.
Gently this time, if possible.
Feeling a closer intimacy with each other.
I made up my mind. I bowed my head low and squeezed my clasped hands together.
“I-I know I shouldn’t be doing this. I know I’ve already proven it, so there’s no reason to do it again, and we’re ‘friends,’ and I know I shouldn’t ask a ‘friend’ for sex, but…”
But because it was Taehwan, it was hard to be any bolder.
I knew too well that whatever I said would sound like an excuse.
I might be embarrassing Taehwan because I was lewd, because I was too greedy.
“I know, but…”
Taehwan didn’t say anything.
The silence, the air hanging low, was too heavy.
Only his intense gaze was palpable.
I was afraid to look up and see what kind of face he was making.
Perhaps he would despise me.
That I figured out the sensation of my lower body after getting well, learned about ‘kissing’ and ‘masturbation,’ kept getting hard and asking to be touched, and now was even asking for sex.
“…Do it?”
“Uh, yes.”
“What?”
“That…”
It was a word with only two syllables, yet I couldn’t utter it.
It was, well… the word felt like it was spinning around inside my tongue.
Should I just give up?
Should I just say I’m leaving now?
Since we knew we misunderstood each other, I could just…
“Jehee. Speak clearly. What do you want me to do for you?”
“…”
But just as I decided to run away, his probing question dropped.
I felt cornered.
Even though the space around us was open.
I felt like a massive wall was rushing down to crush me, and I couldn’t breathe.
Meanwhile, unlike Taehwan, who was fully dressed, I was naked.
Semen was still leaking out of my hole.
Why now, when it was so securely hidden when I put my finger in to clean it out?
I should have wrapped a towel around myself.
Covering it with my hands felt awful, as it would clearly draw attention to me noticing it…
“…Ah.”
I bowed my head, feeling crushed by the pressure, but the unexpected answer was there.
He was hard.
Taehwan’s member.
Too vividly.
“You…”
When I looked up in surprise, Taehwan was there, his face completely flushed red.
How long had he been making that face?
Seeing his expression, all the pressure I had felt from him instantly vanished like a mirage.
It vanished and transformed into golden joy.
Heat rose in my body too.
I thought I was showing him a pathetic sight, but if he was reacting this much, I must have looked different to Taehwan.
Did I look like I was trying to seduce him?
Strictly speaking, that wasn’t wrong, but…
Late embarrassment surged up, and I couldn’t easily speak, just hesitating, when Taehwan suddenly backed away from me.
“Please, Jehee. Tell me quickly. If I misunderstand and force it again…”
“What are you saying! It wasn’t forced…!”
Rape.
I told him I loved him, I expressed my feelings sincerely, so why didn’t it reach him again?
This kind friend was always too precious with me, always extremely strict with himself, constantly worrying that he might make even a small mistake out of consideration for me.
So I should be honest.
Even if it was embarrassing, even if it was humiliating enough to make me cry.
“It was good. It was very good. I kept thinking about it while you were out. I wished you would put it inside me again. Just do it one more time. That will truly satisfy me… I won’t, I won’t ask this again…”
I started bravely, but was I perhaps just letting my growing anxiety take over—that I might have crossed the line of even ‘special friend’?
My confidence was sinking, my voice was getting smaller, and my heart was pounding so hard it felt like my head was ringing.
I just kept gaping, not knowing how to finish my words, when thud, something dropped.
My gaze instinctively followed the sound.
What fell on the floor was the black bag that was in Taehwan’s hand.
Inside it was a small box.
It was packaged in shiny material.
Although the shape was unfamiliar, my excellent eyesight quickly confirmed that it was a condom.
‘He really went out to buy condoms.’
I felt relieved.
He hadn’t lied to me.
Even after all this happened, Taehwan was still Taehwan.
My one and only childhood friend.
Why was I so worried and upset, when there was no way he would abandon me with a lie?
A smile appeared on my lips.
I decided to gather my courage one more time.
Since he bought condoms, let’s suggest we use one.
I tried to reach down to pick up the fallen box, but Taehwan’s foot quickly stepped toward me.
The distance between us closed instantly.
And his hands immediately went up.
Before I could even raise my gaze, my cheeks were firmly grabbed.
My chin was lifted, and my lips parted.
“Wuh-oob.”
Taehwan’s lips covered mine.
“Ugh, Taehwan, oob.”
Before I could speak, my mouth was filled with his thick flesh, and my body was shoved backward until my back hit the nearest wall.
He pushed hard, as if he had been holding back for too long, and my mind went hazy.
With my chin held high, I responded to the kiss almost instinctively.
…Though ‘responding’ was more like ‘mindlessly following,’ since I had completely lost the initiative.
“Ha-ub. Ah. Hng…”
My breathing quickly grew shallow, and a pleasurable moan escaped.
With the wall blocking my back, our lips tightly connected, his large body, and his strong arms—I felt completely restrained, but I even liked that right now.
To prevent any misunderstanding like before, I wrapped my arms around his wide back.
Then, Taehwan’s knee pushed between my legs.
While he was grinding his member against me in that state, I couldn’t even respond to the kiss I was barely keeping up with, and I gasped.
Suddenly, his outstretched arm seemed to grab my buttocks, and my body was lifted in one swift motion.
