* * *
I didn’t know why I felt so tangled up inside.
I barely managed to suppress the urge to bristle.
‘Showing any hostility here would only hurt me.’
I repeated that thought over and over before finally opening my mouth.
“I just… don’t want to stand out.”
There was an ideal answer—’I want to make a good impression’—but I had no desire to say it.
First, because it was the answer Raizen would want to hear the most.
And second, because I genuinely didn’t care about making a good impression.
‘Being unnoticeable, so that no one pays attention to me—that’s the best outcome, isn’t it?’
I wasn’t sure about the branch families, but the vassal houses probably saw it that way.
They were likely praying that the lowly commoner adoptee wouldn’t tarnish the name of the Parnetheon Duchy.
“You don’t want to stand out?”
Raizen repeated my words as if he had just heard something utterly absurd—like a chicken flying.
His reaction suggested that what I said was impossible.
He even seemed… a little surprised.
‘What’s so surprising about that?’
His reaction caught me off guard instead.
I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I just kept my mouth shut.
Then Raizen spoke again.
“Did someone say something weird to you again? When?”
His voice had dropped in a way that sent a chill down my spine.
‘…Why?’
No, seriously, why?
“Huh? No, no one said anything.”
I wanted to blurt out ‘what the hell are you talking about?’ but instead, I answered as cheerfully as possible.
If I sounded even slightly awkward, he might think I was lying.
Raizen stared at me for a moment, then smiled.
That expression—he only made it when he was trying to hide his irritation.
“Really? Then why would Sei say something like that? I’m so curious.”
‘He doesn’t believe me.’
Hey, could you trust me when I say something for once?
And why are you even getting mad?
‘I thought you’d be glad I still understood my place…?’
I had way more questions than he did, but since I couldn’t ask them, I was the only one getting frustrated.
‘At least he doesn’t have anything to use against me—thank god for that.’
I slumped my shoulders and mumbled in a small voice.
“I was just being honest…”
“You’re saying that not wanting to stand out is your true feeling?”
Raizen still sounded as if he couldn’t believe it.
‘I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this, but…’
I had nothing else to say.
“Yeah.”
“….”
“I know how the vassal houses and the branch families see me. From the outside, I must seem… unstable in a lot of ways.”
“So who said something like that?”
This guy still believed that someone must have fed me this idea directly.
I lifted my head slightly and shot Raizen a glance.
“Hyung, do you really think I’m that stupid?”
“…What?”
“I don’t need someone to tell me. Just looking at the situation is enough.”
Raizen opened his mouth slightly, then closed it again.
Surprisingly, he seemed a little taken aback.
‘Seriously… you’re that shocked that I thought this way?’
I was utterly speechless.
“You told me to stop playing dumb before…”
“That’s—”
Raizen cut himself off and ran a hand over his forehead.
A small sigh slipped from his lips.
“Sorry, Sei. I think I got a little angry.”
What?
I knew we were having a conversation, but it felt like we were talking about two completely different things.
‘You got angry because I said I don’t want to stand out?’
That meant… he didn’t like the fact that I thought so little of myself.
‘No, let’s not overthink this.’
There’s no way this was out of concern for me.
But it didn’t seem like an act, either.
‘Should I push a little further?’
“Can I ask… why you got angry?”
As soon as I asked, Raizen’s eyes wavered slightly.
“The other day… when we were at the tailor shop, you took my side. But Hyung, you used to hate me.”
“You were afraid of me too.”
Damn it, that’s unfair.
“T-That’s because…! You looked at me like I was scary…!”
Raizen tilted his head with a smirk.
“I don’t recall anyone ever telling me that before.”
“…Who would dare say that to your face?”
“…I see.”
Raizen seemed to think for a moment, then spoke.
“In that case, why don’t we take this opportunity to clear things up?”
“C-Clear things up?”
‘Wait. What kind of ‘clearing up’ are we talking about? Are you planning to kill me?!’
My heart dropped for a second, but I quickly pulled myself together.
“I’ve been thinking… I might’ve been too harsh on you. And I showed you a lot of unpleasant sides of myself. Then, all of a sudden, I changed my attitude. That must’ve been really confusing for you.”
‘Oh… so he’s shifting the narrative now?’
“I’ll be honest. At first… I found your existence overwhelming. And uncomfortable. But now, I don’t feel that way at all.”
It was a half-hearted truth.
Because he only spoke about his feelings without mentioning the reason.
Why I was flustered, why I felt uncomfortable.
Why it couldn’t be now.
For some reason, I kept feeling sulky.
Lowering my head, I spoke in a subdued voice.
“…Because I’m useful to you?”
Maybe he had expected the question, because Raizen called my name softly without any sign of distress.
“Look at me, Sei.”
Even though his words were a clear request, I couldn’t meet his gaze so easily.
For some reason, my chest was unsettled.
Fortunately, Raizen didn’t press further.
He just stayed silent for a moment before finally speaking.
“I’ve always been lonely… I just didn’t realize it until you told me.”
“……”
“You said it yourself. That we only have each other.”
Lies.
“…Really? Are you being honest?”
At that, I finally looked up at him.
“Of course. It’s the truth.”
And Raizen answered with a smile.
I felt sick.
Forcing a grin, I laughed.
“I really like you, Raizen!”
‘Look at him, not even answering—just smiling. Bastard.’
A sudden thought flashed through my mind.
Wouldn’t it have been easier to accept if he had just said he needed my power?
Maybe then, this shitty feeling wouldn’t be so unbearable.
And at the end of that thought, a single question lingered.
‘Why?’
Why… do I feel so bad?
∗ ∗ ∗
The winter night was especially deep and dark.
Maybe that’s why.
Maybe that’s why my gaze was so drawn to the unusually bright full moon.
Raizen leaned against the window, staring outside.
The sky was void of stars, with only a silver full moon hanging brilliantly.
The moon’s reflection shimmered in his red eyes.
Raizen wasn’t the type to spend time looking at things like the moon.
Some people find it fascinating, beautiful, or awe-inspiring, but not him.
Nature’s scenery never held any particular interest for him.
He never thought it was beautiful, so it never caught his eye.
And yet, tonight, for some reason…
He had merely pulled back the curtain to ease his frustration, but his gaze had been unconsciously drawn to the full moon.
Was it because the night was dark?
Because the moon was bright?
Or was it… because it reminded him of someone who shone alone?
‘Nothing is going right.’
Raizen never liked it when his plans went off track.
And that was because, more often than not, the reason for it was someone else.
It meant that Raizen had always moved according to his own designs.
But lately, things were different.
The biggest reason his plans were failing… was himself.
‘Keeping him isolated is the right move.’
Even now, Raizen’s resolve hadn’t wavered.
Ever since he learned that Sean had divine power.
If he wanted to monopolize that power, if he wanted to keep Sean under his control, then isolating him within the duke’s estate was necessary.
That way, Sean would have no choice but to rely solely on him. That way…
‘Even after he returns to the Kreveta Marquisate, he’ll still act according to my will.’
The curse must be completely lifted.
He still didn’t know how, but if he kept experimenting, he would figure it out.
No, he would make sure he did.
And for that, he needed to keep Sean entirely in his grasp.
This was the first step, the most crucial step.
And yet, so far, he had been failing at every turn.
The most he had managed was planting a seed of doubt between Sean and his parents by revealing Arthur Sothes’ field of expertise.
‘Then why did I take Sean’s side back then? Why did I help him?’
Even now, thinking about it, it was laughable.
There had been so many perfect opportunities.
At the boutique, and even now. He had already missed one good chance—he should be feeding Sean misleading information to ensure he makes a mistake at the New Year’s banquet…
Raizen clenched his jaw tightly.
‘And yet, when the moment comes, I don’t want to.’
More precisely…
A strong instinct was screaming that he shouldn’t.
That if he did, Sean would be lost to him forever.
That no matter how much he reached out, he would never be able to grasp him again.
‘Why the hell am I afraid of that?’
Following that instinct was an overwhelming fear—like the entire world was crumbling, trapping him in a pitch-black darkness where he would remain forever.
Yes. The feeling of being left alone in a world where nothing existed.
He couldn’t remember exactly when it started.
But one thing was certain—it began after the nightmares that tormented him every night started to fade.
Instead of nightmares, he started having dreams.
Though, whenever he woke up, he couldn’t recall any of them.
Except for the lingering warmth in his chest.
* * *
