* * *
“Uncle, do you have Park Jungsoo’s number?”
“No, but I can ask his father. Do you want to contact him?”
“Yes.”
My uncle seemed pleased, thinking I missed my friend, and soon gave me Jungsoo’s contact information.
“Thank you. I’ll call him later.”
“Alright. Are you going to sleep now?”
“Yes, I am.”
With a kindly expression, my uncle left the room.
As soon as I was alone, I called Park Jungsoo.
After a few rings, his voice came through.
– Who is this?
Did he always sound like this?
Even though we knew each other, I felt as tense as if I were speaking to a stranger.
– I asked, who is this?
Swallowing once, I answered.
“It’s Kim Hyunoh.”
– Kim Hyunoh?
“Yes.”
– Seriously? How did you get my number?
“I have something to ask.”
– What is it?
“Do you know Kim Chanyi?”
Park Jungsoo seemed startled and fell silent for a moment.
I grew anxious. I wanted to confront him about why he spread my story, but there was something more important.
Whether Jungsoo had met Chanyi again, whether they were still in contact.
If so, Jungsoo might tell Chanyi about my past at any moment.
I bit my lip hard.
My heart began to race.
If Chanyi found out, I couldn’t stay at that house anymore.
Sometimes, being with Chanyi made me forget my place.
Like someone who had never experienced misfortune, I could breathe easily.
There was no pity in Chanyi’s eyes.
The only feeling when we met eyes was a great affection.
If even Chanyi pitied me,
I wouldn’t be able to bear it.
– Chanyi? Yes, I know him. He was our classmate.
“Are you still in contact with him? I think you’re in the same school.”
– Yes, we take the same classes.
My heart sank.
“Don’t tell him.”
– What?
I blurted out my words in panic.
“Don’t tell him about me.”
I kept pacing around the small room.
I couldn’t sit still.
My palms were sweaty and sticky.
It felt strange to be so agitated because of Chanyi.
I covered my eyes with one hand and tried to breathe slowly.
It didn’t help.
Why am I like this?
If Chanyi finds out, I’ll just leave.
I’ll go somewhere no one knows about my past, where I can live somehow, even if it’s disgraceful.
It’s a simple solution. I’ve managed this way until now.
But I felt like I was going crazy with anxiety.
I was terrified of losing Chanyi.
This was a feeling that wasn’t like me.
In a stammering voice, Jungsoo replied.
– About you? W-what do you mean?
“The accident that happened to my family.”
– Oh…
Jungsoo paused.
– I already told him.
“What?”
Suddenly, all the strength left my body, and I sank onto the edge of the bed.
– Was I not supposed to?
“When did you tell him?”
I tried not to sound upset, but my voice trembled uncontrollably.
– A while ago. About two weeks, I think.
Gasping for breath, I thought of Chanyi.
He had known, yet he showed no signs.
Sometimes he seemed sad, but he never pitied me.
It was just that he sensed something was wrong and cared.
I never expected that Jungsoo would have already told him.
“Why… who are you to tell him about me?”
– I didn’t mean to…
“We weren’t even close.”
My face felt hot.
My voice grew sharp from embarrassment.
– Hey, there’s no need to get angry. You seemed close to Chanyi, so I assumed he knew… it just came up.
“How much did you tell him?”
– I didn’t go into detail.
“Don’t talk to Chanyi anymore.”
– Look, I don’t even know what happened exactly. And I wouldn’t talk to him even if you didn’t tell me not to. He avoids me whenever he sees me.
“Why?”
– Why do you think? You know why, idiot.
“What do you mean?”
– You seriously don’t remember? You beat me up on the roof like you were going to kill me. You don’t remember?
“The roof?”
– Forget it. I’m done. Sorry for butting in.
Jungsoo hung up abruptly.
I stared blankly at my phone.
The roof?
What was he talking about?
I painfully dredged up old memories.
I still remembered the first day of second grade.
The day I was paired with Chanyi.
He was white and round.
His eyes were full of nervousness, glancing at me timidly.
He reminded me of a frightened polar bear.
When he sat next to me, a pleasant scent wafted into my nose.
It wasn’t perfume… more like the clean, fresh scent of someone who takes care of themselves.
It was a refreshing smell I had never experienced with my friends.
My first impression of him was good.
The kids used to tease Chanyi. I never understood why.
Maybe because he was chubby?
But he always looked cute enough.
I never found Chanyi unpleasant.
We weren’t close, but he seemed like a good person.
As I pulled up memories from the depths, more came up uncontrollably.
There were times when I wanted to talk to Kim Chanyi.
Every break, he would be reading a book or watching a movie on his PMP.
I felt like I could have long conversations with Kim Chanyi about our hobbies, something I couldn’t do with my other friends.
He would look at me with those gentle eyes, listening earnestly to what I had to say.
His white cheeks would blush.
I thought we might have had something in common. Kim Chanyi always piqued my curiosity.
It would have been nice if we had become friends.
Why didn’t it happen?
Because I was a coward.
Considering the classroom atmosphere at the time, it wouldn’t have been easy for Kim Chanyi to approach me first.
I should have gone to him.
What if I had ignored my friends’ teasing and stuck by Kim Chanyi?
What if I had maintained a friendship with him afterward?
I wouldn’t have crumbled this much.
Kim Chanyi’s kindness and purity would have supported me even after the accident.
I just had that certainty.
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