* * *
I gave up my inheritance and was completely alone.
I started working to send a few hundred thousand won to Youngjin every month.
That number on the monthly transfer slip was the only value I had in this world.
Loss brought about change.
I could never go back to who I was.
Losing someone was like that.
Whenever I tried to feel happiness, it soon turned into a sense of debt.
Happiness no longer had a place in my life; this feeling must be borrowed from the future.
If I dared to embrace happiness, I might end up twice as unhappy later.
It was better not to know happiness at all.
I curled up on my bed like a shrimp.
My throat stung from the acid that came up earlier.
Then my phone vibrated.
A KakaoTalk message from Kim Chanyi had come in.
-I’m home. Are you working?
I stared at the screen for a long time.
I didn’t know how to respond.
I had to tell him I couldn’t come home tonight.
Haven’t I been living well on top of my misfortunes all this time?
So why do I feel like crying as soon as I hear from Kim Chanyi?
It’s not that my aunt’s family is bad.
They’ve never intentionally tried to hurt me.
They care about me.
Their kindness is probably mixed with affection.
But it was unbearably uncomfortable.
I shamelessly accepted Kim Chanyi’s kindness for several months.
It was just that it was okay because it was Kim Chanyi.
It was okay if it was him.
He didn’t touch my wounds.
He didn’t make me relive the past until I vomit.
It would be great to escape from here and return to you, to be happy.
I dared to think beyond my means.
***
I must have fallen asleep for a while.
My uncle’s knock woke me up.
Although I had only slept for twenty minutes, my body felt as if I’d been lying down, having nightmares for twenty hours.
I staggered up. My uncle spoke.
“You said you’d think about it to your aunt, right?”
“Ah, yes.”
My uncle sighed and came closer.
“Why did you do that? Does living here seem uncomfortable?”
I nodded without answering. I was never very close to my aunt’s family.
We only met during holidays and had occasional awkward conversations.
Living together was unimaginable.
“Still, I’d like you to live here. Your aunt is having a hard time.”
“…Why?”
“I guess it keeps bothering her that she couldn’t help you.”
“She doesn’t have to.”
“People’s feelings don’t work that way.”
My uncle looked at me intently but then averted his gaze.
“It was hard to live together because of Kisuk, but now he’s not here. He’s your only cousins on your father’s side.”
“……”
“Be honest with me. Do you really dislike it that much?”
“No, it’s not that I dislike it….”
I mumbled ambiguously.
It was a bad habit of mine, always trying to evade.
Running away.
Using vague language because I hesitated to reveal my true feelings.
Sometimes even pretending with lies.
“…I just can’t decide right away.”
“You can’t live on part-time jobs forever.”
“I think it’s not so bad now.”
“What about high school? You eventually dropped out, right?”
“Yes.”
“Your parents wouldn’t want you to live like this. We’ll help you. Don’t you need a high school diploma at least? You could prepare for a civil service exam.”
My throat suddenly felt sore.
What good would more studying do?
Would getting a stable job suddenly make my life happy?
I doubted it.
My uncle’s eyes were filled with pity, regret, and guilt.
These are the emotions I’d have to endure daily if I stayed here.
Living with people who feel sorry for me.
Impossible.
When I stubbornly remained silent, my uncle stood up as if giving up.
Just as he was about to turn and leave the room, I hurriedly spoke.
“Uncle.”
“Yes?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“What is it?”
“Who told you about me?”
“What was the name… Ah, Jungsoo.”
“Who?”
“Park Jungsoo.”
I squinted.
Who was Park Jungsoo?
No face immediately came to mind.
It took a while, digging through memories of high school that I had deeply buried, to remember.
Ah, that guy.
“How do you know Park Jungsoo?”
“I’m not really acquainted with him…”
Recently, Park Jungsoo said he saw me near the school.
Was it when I went to see Kim Chanyi?
The thought of an unnoticed gaze directed at me made me shiver.
Park Jungsoo told his father about me.
My dad, Park Jungsoo’s dad, and my uncle knew each other.
Even after my dad died, my uncle and Park Jungsoo’s dad kept in touch.
That’s how my uncle heard about me.
As I listened, something kept bothering me.
Had Kim Chanyi ever met Park Jungsoo?
I never imagined they went to the same school.
My uncle lightly patted my shoulder as he spoke.
“He told me because he was worried about you.”
“…Does Park Jungsoo know?”
“Know what?”
“About my family’s accident.”
“Of course. He even attended the funeral.”
Funeral.
A memory I don’t want to recall.
I barely managed to perform my duties on the first day, but from the second day, I ran away.
I couldn’t stand properly.
The looks people gave me were piercing.
They seemed to question why I was the only one who survived, as if it were shameful, as if they were blaming me.
I couldn’t even attend the burial.
I felt unworthy of mourning their deaths. I was an incredibly weak and cowardly person.
“It seems Jungsoo is worried about you too.”
That couldn’t be.
I don’t remember us being close enough to worry about each other.
More likely, it was curiosity.
I might have been an interesting subject, having fallen into a misfortune rarely seen.
Perhaps he gossiped about me.
If it was the Park Jungsoo I knew, he was more than capable of that.
What if he told Kim Chanyi about it?
* * *
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