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Kim Hyunoh, 19 Years Old, a Black Out Spring
***
Everything changed in an instant.
Without knowing why.
One winter day, our family fled south.
Our destination was my uncle’s rooftop house in Masan.
That was our new home.
There was a small room attached to the living room.
It was too cramped for four people.
I couldn’t share a room with my sister who had just started puberty, so my dad and I decided to sleep in the living room.
Even though I lost my room, it wasn’t a situation where I could show discomfort.
As the house was small, we bumped into each other more often and my mom was always angry.
About a week after we moved, my dad found a new job.
It was a cleaning company.
He went around cleaning bathrooms in nearby buildings.
Mom was happy, saying we wouldn’t have found a job so quickly without my uncle.
A few days later, my mom started working at a mart.
That night, I lay down to sleep but couldn’t.
I was still not used to sleeping on the floor with a blanket instead of on a bed.
Staring at the pitch-black ceiling, I spoke.
“Dad.”
“…What?”
My dad answered in a drowsy voice.
“School starts soon.”
“Yeah.”
“Do I really have to go to school?”
“What are you talking about? Are you saying you don’t want to go to school?”
“I mean, can’t I just work? I’m not good at studying anyway. I need to buy a new uniform too…”
My dad suddenly sat up straight.
“Did your mom say that? Did she tell you to get a job and earn money?”
“No…”
“What job are you going to do right now? Stop worrying about useless things and just study. You have to go to college.”
“How can I go to college?”
I wanted to add that we don’t have money anymore but didn’t.
Even in the darkness, I could see my dad’s eyes reddening.
“I have to send you to college somehow. Or you need to study hard and get a scholarship. Kim Hyunoh, you need to toughen up.”
He didn’t say anything more.
My dad huffed and then went out to the rooftop.
I heard him talking to someone on the phone.
I buried myself under the blanket and forced my eyes shut.
It should be warmer here than in Seoul, but it was cold because we were on the rooftop.
It seemed like the boiler wasn’t on.
My nose felt colder and colder.
Rubbing my nose with the back of my hand, I thought.
Why wouldn’t my dad properly explain things to me?
Why did we come to Masan?
Why do we have to live at my uncle’s house?
Why couldn’t we bring anything when we moved?
Dad’s company must have gone bankrupt.
He must have piled up debts too.
I was old enough to roughly understand the situation, but the difference between being explained and not being explained was significant.
I wished he would tell me what I should do now.
Everything around me had changed, so I couldn’t live the way I used to.
For instance, it would be more reasonable for me to get a job and help pay for my sister’s tuition since she’s much better at studying than I am.
The next day, I cautiously brought this up to my mom.
She hesitated for a moment but then told me not to entertain such thoughts.
But I felt that if I pushed a bit more, she might be on my side.
The new school term was approaching.
Meanwhile, I helped out unpaid at my uncle’s store.
Every day, my mom told me ten times not to upset my aunt.
We were freeloading shamelessly, so we shouldn’t act up.
My aunt’s dialect was particularly strong and fast, even among Masan people, so sometimes I couldn’t understand her.
When that happened, she would get furiously annoyed.
Occasionally, I got calls from friends.
I didn’t answer.
They were faces I wouldn’t see again anyway.
Who was the last person I saw before we hurriedly left Seoul?
It was all so busy and sudden that I couldn’t remember.
As I traced back my memories, a pale face came to mind.
Ah, Kim Chanyi.
I wonder if he’s doing okay…
Time in Masan passed two or three times faster than in Seoul.
Adjusting to poverty was quite tough.
Side dishes decreased and fresh vegetables disappeared from the table.
Mostly, pickled vegetables that could be stored for a long time or cheap processed foods were on the table.
“It’s a pity there are no vegetables. Kim Hyunoh likes salads.”
Whenever my mom looked sad, I told her not to worry.
I only ate them because they were there, but actually, I disliked vegetables.
From now on, I decided to pretend I hated vegetables.
After repeating this for a few days, I even started to believe my own lie.
I was quite relieved.
The night before the new school term started, I still hadn’t gotten a uniform.
Fortunately, my sister received a hand-me-down uniform from a nearby neighbor.
We inquired here and there about a uniform for me but still hadn’t found one.
My mom said we should explain the situation to the school office tomorrow to buy some time.
There were still two weeks left until her paycheck came in.
In the meantime, what should I wear to school?
Did we bring my old uniform?
Should I wear casual clothes?
The kids would probably notice.
For the first time, I was scared of others’ eyes.
I had lived without caring much about others, but I seemed to have changed to match the circumstances of the past few weeks.
I was lying in the corner of the living room when my dad urgently told me to come out.
“We have to sleep outside today.”
“Outside? Where?”
“Like a sauna or somewhere like that.”
“Why all of a sudden?”
“That’s how it is.”
Again, my dad didn’t properly explain.
Our family hurriedly went down the building like criminals and got into the van my uncle lent us.
My sister grumbled as she sat next to me.
“School starts tomorrow and we’re sleeping in a sauna tonight? Why?”
Mom, who was in the passenger seat, stayed silent.
The van smelled musty.
I leaned my forehead against the window and gave up asking.
My dad started the car. It vibrated slightly and then began to navigate the narrow alley.
Then I saw a familiar face on the other side of the road.
“Mom. Isn’t that Grandma over there?”
My sister seemed to have seen Grandma too and asked mom first.
Mom didn’t answer.
“She is Grandma, right? Why are we just leaving? Mom!”
Instead, my dad answered.
“Kim Hyunseo. Be quiet. Grandma doesn’t know yet.”
“Doesn’t know what? That our house went bankrupt? So we’re running away to avoid meeting her?”
At my sister’s straightforward question, my dad snapped.
“Just be quiet!”
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