* * *
This was troublesome, especially after what happened yesterday.
“I’m tired today. We had so many customers.”
“Yeah, I won’t.”
“Then don’t touch me.”
“Do you even dislike just holding hands?”
“When you touch me, I want to do more.”
Chanyi’s lips twitched slightly.
“When you say things like that, I want to do more too.”
“What? What things?”
“That you’re excited because of me.”
Chanyi was looking at me quite seriously. I swallowed hard.
“Hey, it’s not because of you… I mean, obviously, anyone would get excited if touched.”
“Anyone?”
“Yeah.”
Without another word, Chanyi just smiled with his eyes.
My heart ached as if I had lied. What if it wasn’t Chanyi but someone else?
I probably wouldn’t be so obsessed with sex.
Now, even Chanyi’s slightest touch excites me.
Deep down, I knew it was because of Chanyi, but I didn’t want to admit it.
I could feel his eyes lingering on my face. I quickly got up from the sofa.
“I’ll shower first.”
“Okay.”
Chanyi didn’t hold me back.
He just looked up at me with a smiling face.
Meeting his eyes felt strange. It felt heavy, somehow.
Lately, I’ve had moments like this. Chanyi’s smile seems different.
I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is, but even when he’s smiling, he looks sad.
Is it just my mood?
I couldn’t stop thinking about it in the shower.
Maybe I did something wrong to Chanyi.
Perhaps I said something hurtful without realizing it.
I carefully recalled the past few weeks but couldn’t think of anything specific.
I stood there blankly, holding the showerhead.
“Kim Hyunoh.”
Knock, knock. Chanyi was at the door.
Quite a bit of time must have passed.
I finally came to my senses.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
“You were in there for so long.”
“I’m coming out now.”
I quickly dried myself with a towel.
My body felt chilly.
As I opened the bathroom door, Chanyi was standing right in front of it.
We almost collided.
He looked at me with worried eyes.
“Why did you take so long?”
I couldn’t tell him I was trying to guess his feelings.
As I remained silent, Chanyi added another word.
“You’re not sick, are you?”
“I’m fine. I’m going to bed.”
“…Okay. Goodnight.”
Chanyi spoke gently and suddenly touched my cheek with his hand.
We were close enough that a kiss wouldn’t have been surprising. I was tense, but Chanyi just wanted to wipe the remaining water off my face.
His gentle hand soon left my skin.
Afraid he might notice my embarrassment, I hurried past him.
I lay down on the bed.
“Ugh…”
I covered my face with both hands.
My heart was pounding rapidly.
I tried to calm my heartbeat by taking deep breaths.
Every time Chanyi’s smiling face looked different, I became sensitive.
Even I found myself unfamiliar.
For the past few years, I hadn’t cared about others’ feelings.
I never had close friends to begin with.
Engaging in deep conversations with someone, understanding each other’s feelings, building shared memories over time—it all felt overwhelming to me.
Despite that, I couldn’t leave this house.
It was troublesome because I didn’t dislike Chanyi.
I was angry at myself for not being strong enough to leave this current warmth and kindness to be alone again.
Was I unknowingly lonely?
I’m afraid that one day I might end up liking Chanyi.
It’s not that I hate love.
In fact, I know how good love can be.
In the past, I easily loved everything and was easily loved in return.
I had already experienced how deeply affection can enrich a person.
That’s why I shouldn’t now.
Loving someone, owning each other, smiling just by making eye contact.
I don’t deserve such happiness.
I’m not supposed to be happy yet.
When will happiness become comfortable for me?
Nowadays, living buried in unhappiness feels like my duty.
Like my uncle said, I might be destroying myself by being trapped in my trauma.
But there’s no way around it.
I trampled over someone else’s life to get my own.
I must pay the price.
Even after turning off the lights and lying down, sleep wouldn’t come easily.
I had a lot on my mind today.
It was partly because Chanyi seemed slightly different these past few days.
After tossing and turning for a while, I finally got up.
The house was pitch dark. Chanyi was already asleep.
I sat in the middle of the living room sofa.
After a few minutes, my eyes adjusted to the darkness, and I saw a book.
It was something Chanyi had brought home today.
I hesitated for a moment before taking one of the books and going back to my room.
I probably wouldn’t read it properly anyway, so why did I bring it?
I regretted it for a moment but then opened the book.
Maybe staring at the letters would make me sleepy.
I squinted my eyes and started reading the sentences.
Surprisingly, I finished a page in no time.
It was unusual. I usually felt nauseous after reading a few lines and closed the book.
But this time, I couldn’t take my eyes off the book.
My hands kept turning the pages.
I had no idea how much time had passed.
Before I knew it, I had read the entire book in one go.
My eyes stung from concentrating so hard. I blinked several times.
Even after finishing, I felt bewildered.
Why did I feel nothing?
This book should have been the hardest for me to read.
People not just surviving but somehow also loving each other.
I turned to the author’s note at the end while lying on my side.
“Even on the day when humanity is extinct and everything humans created returns to ashes, people, you, we will love. The many words of love left by so many will linger like ghosts, like the wind, in the silent earth. Love remains. Even after disappearing and disappearing again, like the universe that will still be here.
To Where the Sun Sets, Choi Jinyoung, 192 pages”
Love. I whisper it to myself. My heart feels as heavy as iron.
I think of Kim Chanyi, who must be sleeping in the next room.
Love. You love me, don’t you?
In the end, will I come to love you too?
If everything crumbles but love remains, if love is truly that great and powerful, maybe it’s something someone like me shouldn’t be involved with.
Is it okay for me to love you?
Can I endure this without falling in love with you?
Honestly, I’m losing confidence.
The confidence to not love Kim Chanyi.
* * *
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