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Kim Hyunoh, 24 Years Old, Dragged into Fall
***
I shouldn’t have watched that movie.
After a long time, I dreamt again.
A scene in the movie reminded me of the past.
The protagonist’s face filled the screen in a close-up.
A vacant expression, not understanding anything.
A look of a bystander.
Disgusted tears.
I thought it looked like me.
Using the excuse that I suddenly felt tired, I left the unfinished movie and went into the bedroom with Chanyi.
Without a word, Chanyi turned off the TV.
We kissed.
The kiss was unusually long.
I blinked slowly.
My mind remained foggy.
My breathing was rapid, and my fingertips trembled.
I was neither fully awake nor asleep.
I experienced sleep paralysis.
I wanted to scream but couldn’t make a sound.
My brain commanded me to move, but even moving a toe was difficult.
The dream was excruciatingly long.
I lived five years in that dream.
When I woke up, my body felt as heavy as if I had been lying there for that long in reality.
Like cotton soaked in water. It felt as though the protagonist’s disgusting tears had filled my body.
After a long struggle, I finally broke free from the sleep paralysis.
I gasped for breath and hunched my shoulders.
I flailed my arms desperately, wanting to grab onto something.
At that moment, something warm touched my palm.
It was Chanyi.
Chanyi was asleep.
I looked around in a daze.
I was on Chanyi’s bed.
We kissed and touched each other, and then… we must have fallen asleep right here.
“Ah…”
My mind felt despair, but my body gradually relaxed.
It was a strange feeling.
I stared at Chanyi’s face for a moment.
The room was bright.
The time must be around six in the morning.
Chanyi’s plump lips were slightly parted.
His eyelashes were long.
His skin was smooth without a blemish.
He usually had a gentle face, but while sleeping, he looked almost childlike.
Without thinking, I touched Chanyi’s cheek.
The softness under my fingers was almost enchanting.
As if possessed, I squirmed closer to him.
I could hear Chanyi’s breathing.
In that moment, my previously rapid breathing calmed as if by magic.
It was truly strange.
I usually struggled to calm down.
There had been times I almost hyperventilated.
This didn’t happen every time I encountered scenes similar to my past.
Sometimes I was unaffected, and other times, like today, I suffered from terrible nightmares.
The unpredictability made it harder.
If I could foresee my mental state, I could at least prepare.
But in the sudden onslaught of pain, all I could do was pray for my breath to return, to breathe like others.
I closed my eyes and focused on Chanyi’s breathing.
Soft and regular.
The more I concentrated, the more my body relaxed.
I was amazed and bewildered at how this was possible.
I felt like I could fall asleep again, this time without any dreams.
As drowsiness washed over me, I cautiously opened my eyes again.
Chanyi mumbled and shifted. Soon, his arm draped over my back.
We were in a half-embrace.
I thought about getting up and going back to my room.
Just a thought.
I couldn’t act on it.
Chanyi smiled, as if dreaming, and muttered.
“Kim Hyunoh.”
“…”
“Kim Hyunoh…”
He called my name.
Chanyi now whimpered and rubbed his head against the bed sheet.
His white cheek squished against the bed.
He spoke again, in such a mumbled way that it was hard to understand unless I concentrated.
“Yeah… I like you.”
A full, affectionate smile spread across Chanyi’s face.
I couldn’t take my eyes off him.
If you weren’t in your right mind, you’d confess and smile like this, so anyone could see you’re overwhelmed with happiness.
You really like me this much.
Normally, it would have made me shudder. Chanyi’s affection directed solely at me, his innocent face, all would have annoyed me.
My body would have shivered. I’d push away the arm hugging me, hurriedly leave, and curl up somewhere no one could find me.
But now, I just felt at ease.
I didn’t dislike it.
Why?
Chanyi had become too familiar.
The space he occupied in my daily life had grown too large.
Suddenly, I thought it was dangerous.
But within the comfort Chanyi provided, such a sense of crisis melted away.
Sleep slowly spread through my body, which had been exhausted from the nightmare.
I shouldn’t let this happen, that it would be really bad if I continued like this…
The words I used to scold myself internally had vanished.
***
I don’t understand myself.
How could I possibly understand Chanyi?
Nowadays, it gets quite chilly after sunset.
The traces of summer have faded significantly.
Yet, I’m still living at Chanyi’s place.
Chanyi and I have sex.
I really don’t understand anything.
Why can’t I leave this place?
Even though I know Chanyi likes me, why do I always feel comfortable around him?
After work, I came home to find Chanyi waiting for me at the door.
Despite the smell of meat clinging to me, Chanyi hugged me without hesitation and touched my cheek.
I wanted to tell him to stop acting so affectionately like a lover, but somehow, I stayed still.
As if I’d gotten used to Chanyi’s touch.
“Oh, right. Kim Hyunoh.”
“What?”
“I bought a few books at the bookstore today. Do you want to read any of them?”
“Books? Why books all of a sudden?”
“Just novels. I felt like reading them after a long time.”
Chanyi grabbed my wrist and led me to the living room table, where a few novels were stacked.
“If there’s anything you want to read, go ahead.”
“No thanks.”
I deliberately turned my head away.
It had been a long time since I last read a book.
I lacked the money and free time, but seeing printed words itself had become difficult.
Especially novels.
Stories filled with lives more vivid than reality.
I didn’t want to see lively lives that were too different from mine, nor did I want to see dying lives that were too similar to mine.
There was a time when I liked writing. It feels like a very distant past.
Chanyi didn’t insist.
He silently brought me some sliced fruit.
I bit into an apple slice and tried not to look at the books.
I spoke nonchalantly.
“I don’t really like reading.”
“Really? You don’t have to read them.”
Kim Chanyi gently smiled and stroked the back of my hand.
A slight tickle fluttered in my lower abdomen.
Chanyi’s fingers slowly crept up my wrist.
Was he trying to tempt me?
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