* * *
Isa’s pale skin stood out starkly under the dark sky.
It was so translucent that even the faint blue veins beneath were visible.
His white skin, crimson lips, and those strangely colored eyes—none of it felt unfamiliar.
They reminded him of someone.
That was why.
That was why Kaindel had thought, ‘This should be fine.’
Of course, it also bothered him that Isa was talking about Daniel right in front of him.
But deep down, the real reason was different—he had simply realized that he could accept Isa without too much resistance.
Because when he looked at Isa, he saw someone else.
And he couldn’t deny that this only made him even more desperate.
‘…Kaindel. Stop. Kaindel.’
Kaindel, breathless, looked down at Isa, who wasn’t pushing him away.
And then, standing apart from it all, he watched his past self devouring Isa with unchecked hunger.
He observed the scene from a distance, powerless to intervene.
He wanted nothing more than to tear himself away from Isa, but he had no control over his body.
“…”
Kaindel stared at himself.
Every time he found traces of that person in Isa, he felt a faint thrill of excitement.
The impulse had started with Isa.
It was when he looked at him that the thought of kissing him had first crossed his mind.
That much was undeniable.
But even now—was he still kissing Isa because of Isa himself?
He felt something inside him begin to crumble.
Bit by bit.
Like the ground beneath his feet breaking apart into nothingness.
Everything he had once done with certainty now looked different.
No, if he was being honest, doubt had begun creeping in ever since the moment Isa left him.
More than that…
Kaindel clenched his fists and etched Isa into his vision.
Gasping for breath, Isa was faintly flushed.
There was no resignation, no sorrow, no anger—just pure, unguarded emotion.
It had been so long since he had seen such an open expression on Isa’s face.
And for some reason, that hurt the most.
His own feelings were so clear to him—was it possible that Isa couldn’t see them?
No, that couldn’t be. Isa, who was so perceptive, must have known immediately.
Sure enough, as Isa slowly lifted his eyelids, Kaindel saw it.
The way his face darkened, his expression shifting from bewilderment and happiness into something else.
Despair.
‘You…’
His quiet murmur carried the remnants of sorrow.
He wanted to ask about Kaindel’s true feelings—but at the same time, he didn’t want to hear the answer.
Isa, who always hid his emotions so well, seemed intent on doing the same now.
And Kaindel, who saw all of it, watched his past self ignore Isa’s hesitation.
Why had he forgotten this moment?
“…Shit.”
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Kaindel raked his throat, the sensation making him want to spit something out.
But no matter how hard he tried, nothing came up—only the dry heaving remained.
His throat felt tight.
His fingers dug harder into his own skin.
Red marks, left by his nails, began appearing one by one along his neck.
Even so, Kaindel didn’t stop.
He had forgotten something he should never have forgotten.
And he couldn’t forget what he desperately wished he could.
Kaindel suddenly wanted to cry.
This overwhelming sense of helplessness—it was the first time he had ever felt it so strongly.
No matter how hard he tried, everything kept returning to square one.
A broken toy could never be restored to its original state.
Spilled water could never be gathered back into the cup.
That simple truth—he had foolishly overlooked it.
When Isa was gone, he regretted everything.
‘I shouldn’t have done that.’
‘I shouldn’t have said those things.’
‘I should have stayed by his side.’
‘I shouldn’t have ignored what he wanted.’
He had convinced himself that if he could turn back time, he would do better.
That if Isa gave him another chance, he would prove that he had changed.
But this wasn’t right.
Now, looking back—Kaindel had first started watching Isa because he resembled that person.
Even though he had known Isa liked him, he had deliberately ignored it and toyed with his feelings.
In short, he had always treated Isa as a replacement.
Even if his feelings had changed later, the way they began was undeniable.
Kaindel had seen Isa as someone interchangeable.
Isa had seen Kaindel as irreplaceable.
But Kaindel hadn’t done the same.
From the very beginning, their relationship had been flawed.
No matter what they did, it was a bond that could never be balanced.
The rotten, decayed connection between him and Isa hadn’t changed because of the things he did later in the capital.
No—it had been wrong from the start.
Kaindel recalled the “fairy” who once said they loved “Kaindel.”
Kaindel recalled Isa, who once said he loved “Kaindel.”
He remembered how both of them had smiled at him so brightly.
And so, Kaindel—
“Ah.”
He—
“Ahaha.”
Had committed something unforgivable,
“Hahaha.”
And was in no position to even beg for forgiveness.
“Haha… Ha…”
Only now did he finally realize it.
＊
“Should I bring you some tomato soup?”
Alice asked Kaindel, who had been staring blankly out the window.
He hadn’t moved from that spot since morning, sitting there without a single shift until noon.
She didn’t know what he was thinking, but the look in his eyes was too dark, unsettling.
Maybe it was because he was the lover of Isa—the boy she had raised like her own child.
No, lover? What nonsense!
Alice scoffed at her own thoughts.
After tormenting Isa so much, he had the nerve to sulk just because he was a little abandoned?
How pathetic.
In her opinion, Isa could stay cold to him for years and it still wouldn’t be enough.
Serves him right.
She always found his self-important attitude as a “hero” annoying.
It irked her how he charmed the village girls with his handsome face, only to leave them behind without a care.
But more than anything, she despised how he treated Isa like his possession.
There were countless times she had wanted to smack Kaindel over the head with a ladle for looking down on Isa, who was too inexperienced to even hide his emotions properly.
“Hmph.”
When Kaindel didn’t respond, Alice scoffed and left.
She already had a mountain of things to do—there was no need to waste her time worrying about him.
He wasn’t worth it.
“……”
Kaindel briefly glanced at Alice as she walked away, then turned back to the window.
Winter had come, blanketing the world in white.
Isa’s birthday was in the fall, wasn’t it?
He regretted not being able to celebrate it.
It was probably too late now, with winter already here, but he still wanted to tell him—belatedly—happy birthday.
But did he even have the right to?
Perhaps, in Isa’s life, the greatest stain was Kaindel himself.
“…Ha.”
A sigh escaped him.
His mind was a mess, on the verge of breaking apart.
Since that day, he had been avoiding Isa.
There was no particular reason.
He just couldn’t bear to face him.
Guilt twisted his insides.
The thought of looking at Isa like nothing had happened made him sick.
So, he had been running away for two weeks now.
Isa hadn’t come looking for him.
Of course he hadn’t.
From Isa’s perspective, Kaindel was the last person he would want to see.
Only now did Kaindel truly understand the weight of what he had done to him.
And because he understood, he respected Isa’s decision.
Even the flowers he had given might have been a burden.
Why had he done that?
He hated himself for acting selfishly, never once considering Isa’s feelings.
He should have just disappeared quietly.
He shouldn’t have placed yet another weight on him.
Everything was a mess.
* * *
