* * *
“And you, Haimar?”
“I’ve never lost in a drinking match. Not that it really means anything.”
As if to show just how meaningless it was, Haimar made a bored face and picked up another slice of well-toasted bread and the jam knife again.
Someone like him—who could probably resist even psychic attacks—wouldn’t be fazed by alcohol, of course.
Ben took a big bite of his toast, chewing through the sweet strawberry bits.
The tangy aroma of the yuzu tea mingled with the rich scent of coffee in an oddly pleasant way.
A faint winter morning breeze drifted in through the slightly opened window, just enough to graze the tip of his nose.
The only sounds between them were the occasional clink of a jam knife or teacup, yet the silence wasn’t awkward—just comfortably calm.
It was peaceful.
If it weren’t for his fluttering heart, it would’ve been perfect.
Haimar, who had just swallowed a bite of toast without leaving a single crumb on his lips, propped his chin in one hand and lazily smiled with his lips pressed to his palm.
Under the warm-toned lights, the image looked like a painting.
Ben couldn’t help but keep staring at that masterpiece right in front of him—until their eyes met, and he flinched in surprise.
He could’ve just acted normal, sipped his tea like nothing happened.
But once he became aware of it, the atmosphere started feeling weird and awkward.
When he felt his heart, which had finally calmed, begin to race again, Ben turned his attention to chewing the toast in his mouth, trying to look anywhere else.
That’s why he didn’t notice Haimar reaching toward him.
“…!”
Which is why, when Haimar’s large hand brushed against the side of his face and the nape of his neck, he couldn’t dodge it in time and got caught completely.
His body stiffened instinctively, turning toward Haimar, who gave a light chuckle and a weak smile.
“Is it just me, or is your heartbeat especially fast right now?”
“Wh-who? Me? Mine?”
Ben knew Haimar’s sharp hearing made that kind of thing unavoidable, but still, he wanted to shout: Don’t listen to that!
Every time his heart went wild, Haimar always acted like he hadn’t noticed, but now he knew.
The worry of what Haimar would think hit Ben hard, but part of him also wondered if maybe Haimar wouldn’t understand the meaning—after all, he’d never really loved someone before.
Ben himself couldn’t even tell if he wanted Haimar to know the reason behind his racing heart—or if he wished he’d stay clueless.
Maybe that’s why the words that almost slipped out of his mouth next felt like nothing more than a pure impulse.
“What if I…”
Could I get closer to you?
The words nearly escaped, but Ben barely held them back.
Just before they came out, they snagged in his throat like a thorn—echoing with Hoaphilen’s warning:
“Keeping a proper distance is very important, you know.”
Afraid of what might happen if those words turned out to be true, Ben stopped himself.
Haimar, who had been waiting for Ben to finish his sentence, narrowed his eyes when the words didn’t come.
His expression—uncharacteristically unsure—tightened.
Wanting to avoid further silence, Ben quickly reached for a throwaway line, like flat soda.
“…Never mind.”
“It was nothing,” he added softly, shrugging his shoulders with a bitter smile.
Just like Hoaphilen said, at best, he and Haimar were partners—maybe starting to click a bit more now—or at most, friends.
That used to feel like enough, but now, realizing how empty that felt… it just left a bitter taste.
Just Esper and Guide.
Painfully, that was all they could call their relationship right now.
Anything beyond that belonged to Ben’s own personal realm of desire.
“Ben.”
The way Haimar said his name—it was like being called out for committing a crime.
Startled, Ben nearly dropped his mug.
It was like Haimar had caught a glimpse of the selfish thought he’d just barely entertained.
He tightened his grip on the mug, but then, Haimar’s face was suddenly inches from his.
“Do you know what I’m thinking right now?”
Mind reading was Haimar’s specialty—not something a regular person like Ben could attempt.
But Haimar asked the question anyway, cocking his head to the side, then slowly brushing Ben’s hair back with his fingers.
“I’m thinking I want to crack open your skull and find out—whether it breaks or not.”
“I… I thought we agreed not to do that.”
“I’m not. I’m just saying that’s how curious I am.”
Apparently, Ben’s recent behavior had sparked enough curiosity to make Haimar say this.
But it wasn’t something Ben could easily explain.
Slowly, trying to keep his composure, he set down the mug and gently pushed away Haimar’s hand from his hair.
“Everyone has a few secrets.”
“From me?”
“There’s no rule saying I can’t.”
Just as he was about to pull away completely, Haimar grabbed his wrist firmly.
Even though he’d spoken so boldly, Ben was inwardly rattled.
Not just from the grip on his wrist—but from having to stare directly into those dangerously clear, icy-blue gemstone-like eyes without flinching.
But I couldn’t deny that I kind of liked seeing Haimar curious and restless because of me.
Even if he was intense, it somehow felt like a strange, sweet kind of affection.
If he kept acting like this, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep my feelings in check.
If I let my guard down for even a moment, I had the unsettling feeling that a confession like “I think I actually like you” would just slip out like a cough meant to scratch an itch in my throat.
This is serious. I’m really deep in it.
Honestly, part of me just wanted to spill everything, heart and soul.
But instead of that, the words that finally came out of Ben’s mouth—after hesitating like he was on the verge of saying something big—ended up being bland and meaningless, like tea diluted with too much water.
“I… I’ll be late for work.”
∗ ∗ ∗
I made the right choice.
I know I’ve said it a hundred times already, but if it helps me reach my goal, I’m ready to endure anything.
Everything I do has a reason.
You wouldn’t follow my lead anyway, so isn’t the best I can do to maintain the current situation?
Yes, I know—I was only thinking from my own perspective.
But still, I believe it was the right call.
I don’t want anything in my plan to go off track.
Besides, it’s not like it had to be me specifically—as long as someone fit the criteria, anyone could have been your guide, right?
So all I did was make sure Ben Plaskun stayed within your range of interest.
I just offered a little advice to avoid messing up the relationship.
And for you… isn’t this distance, this level of closeness, just right?
[Ah. So that’s why.]
Thump.
It wasn’t excitement, but something heavy and grim that made my heart pound in my chest.
A thud so loud it felt like my whole chest jumped and dropped.
Even though I knew it wasn’t physically possible, the sensation was disturbingly vivid.
It felt like a warning, a signal of some impending danger.
Thump.
Do you… think I made a mistake?
My heart fluttered with unease.
His low, deep voice was quiet, even pleasant to hear, but I couldn’t figure out why it was making me feel this way.
[You know what they say? When someone sticks their nose in too far, it becomes unbearable.]
The tips of my fingers and toes tingled.
Only then did Hoaphilen realize she couldn’t even tell if she was standing or sitting.
If she was standing, her knees felt like they were about to give out.
If she was sitting, it felt like her legs had gone numb from kneeling too long.
Either way, her posture now probably looked like a criminal awaiting sentencing.
[Alright. Keep talking.]
I…
I don’t want to say anything more.
I really don’t.
Everything I say just seems to rub him the wrong way.
I realize now, saying more won’t help anything.
And yet, like a frog doing the opposite of what it’s told, my mouth stubbornly kept spilling what was in my heart.
I didn’t say anything wrong.
I gave you objective information about yourself.
There’s no reason for you to keep someone around if they don’t interest you or bring value.
[The one who lacks interest or value…]
From far, far above, from a height so distant it couldn’t even be seen, a judgment was handed down upon her, standing alone in a dim, sunless space.
A cruel brilliance like a blade-bearing sun bore down, and with nothing but a few words, he had complete control over her very existence.
An extraordinary ability.
Fear gripped her in a flash.
[Which one is it, really?]
No. This can’t be happening.
Her raw, unpolished feelings spilled out recklessly.
Hoaphilen struggled against the answer flung at her, but that intangible light burned her away piece by piece.
If I was rude, I’ll apologize.
I just… thought you felt the same way. I’ve watched you long enough to—
[That’s enough.]
Zzzzt.
A pain, like a migraine, stabbed through her temple.
There was no need to hear the rest.
The only thing left she could do was shut her mouth quietly.
She tried to apologize, but apologies only work when the other person is willing to hear them.
Maybe meeting Ben Plaskun was a mistake.
She still believed she hadn’t said anything wrong—but everything about this moment told her she’d made the wrong choice.
A formless fear began to rise, threatening to consume her.
Am I… scared right now?
Of who?
Hoaphilen blinked slowly, her gaze unfocused.
No matter how many times she blinked, it didn’t feel like her eyelids were closing.
She couldn’t even be sure if she had actually spoken aloud.
All her senses were blurring.
She didn’t know if she was breathing, or what she was doing anymore.
She was drifting—alone—like a stray soul lost at sea.
* * *
