Don’t you think we are going too fast? chapter 19

“No one said anything. Just eat your food.”

Yoon Yijun replied indifferently, mixing soy sauce chicken mayo with the fried rice.

Thinking about Taeshin made me lose my appetite, and I stirred my fried rice sullenly.

“But no matter how I think about it,”

“I said don’t,”

“Not beating the boss was your fault.”

“What did you say?”

Although Taeshin was on my mind, the unresolved argument with Yoon Yijun was still there.

We argued over whose fault it was that we didn’t beat the boss, and after eating, we picked up the controllers to finish the job.

“Ugh, no! Why are you so bad at this?”

“Hey, just go home.”

“Seriously, you’re so bad. No wonder you’re stuck in silver.”

“Oh, come on, this is…”

We spent hours trying to beat the boss, making mistakes and failing to coordinate.

Finally, we defeated the boss and collapsed on the floor, exhausted.

We debated who contributed the most to the victory while lying down, then ordered ice cream and chicken and got up.

After the food arrived, we set the table. Yoon Yijun insisted on having beer with the chicken.

While eating chicken and drinking beer, we reminisced about high school.

We cursed the tough college entrance exam and the bitter cold on test day.

Though it felt like ages ago, it was just a few months back.

On the day of the exam, I was nervous despite all the preparation.

Taeshin and I were assigned to different schools, and he cheered me on from early morning, noticing my anxiety and even stopping by my house to support me.

‘You’ve studied hard. Do as much as you can. If you still don’t know the answer, pick option 3.’

‘What if I pick it and it’s wrong?’

‘Then I’ll take responsibility. I’m the one who told Moon Sunwoo to choose 3.’

Even with these encouraging words, I remained stiff.

Taeshin took off the watch he was wearing on his wrist. He removed the watch from my wrist and put his on me.

‘Think of this as me. Unravel it. If you can’t solve a problem or don’t know the answer, blame me because I didn’t teach you well enough. And if you get it wrong by guessing, it’s my fault too. If you mess up the exam, I’ll take responsibility until I die.’

I couldn’t help but chuckle at Taeshin’s insistence that I blame him for everything. Though it was a laugh born out of absurdity, it relaxed me a bit.

With that, I took the exam wearing Taeshin’s watch.

For the questions I didn’t know, I followed his advice and chose option 3.

To my surprise, those turned out to be correct when I later checked the answers.

On the day of the exam, instead of feeling free after it ended, I just slept at home.

Right after the exam, Taeshin came over to my house.

Even though I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep deeply, he lay beside me and slept as well.

I suddenly remembered.

When I laughed at Taeshin’s absurd suggestion, he laughed too, realizing how nonsensical it was.

He slipped his hand into the hood of my padded jacket, saying not to worry, and gently patted my head.

“Hey.”

I called out to Yoon Yijun while holding a piece of chicken, lost in thought.

Yoon Yijun, who was flipping through TV channels while drinking beer, looked at me.

“This isn’t my story, but…”

“It totally is your story.”

“No, just listen, okay?”

“Fine.”

Ignoring Yoon Yijun’s grumbling, I continued.

“I made a mistake, but I keep pretending I don’t remember it?”

“Did you have a fling with another guy behind his back? Oh, fine, fine. Calm down.”

“But I keep thinking about it. What should I do?”

“…What are you talking about?”

Unsure of how to explain, I took a moment to gather my thoughts.

“I made a mistake, and it’s a bit complicated, so I pretended I didn’t remember. So I’ve been acting like I don’t know, but it keeps coming to mind.”

“Then remember it.”

“I told you, it’s complicated. I need to forget it and move on quickly.”

Seeing that Yoon Yijun was responding nonchalantly as if it weren’t a big deal, I looked at him disappointedly. He straightened up from his relaxed position.

“You keep thinking about it because it’s bothering you, whether the mistake was big or small. You said you want to forget it but can’t. So, you have no choice but to remember it. Trying to forget it on purpose will only make you think about it more.”

“…….”

“Don’t force yourself to do the impossible. If you can’t forget, acknowledge that you remember. If remembering makes you feel bad, then it does. First, accept the problem as it is and then think of a solution. Ignoring it won’t help.”

“But….”

“Go and apologize sincerely, you fool. No matter what mistake you made, Taeshin will just smile and say it’s okay, so why are you pretending you don’t remember?”

Yoon Yijun looked at me as if I were an idiot, not understanding why I was trying to hide it. What was a huge deal to me seemed trivial to him. I repeated the words that had struck me.

“I’m not okay?”

“Yeah, you’re avoiding Taeshin and whining here because you’re not okay.”

I ignored his mumbling about couples.

The thought that I was avoiding Taeshin because I wasn’t okay left me with mixed feelings.

I fiddled with my beer can, pondering whether I was really not okay, and felt even more confused.

“So what’s the matter? It doesn’t seem like you had a fling with another guy. Did Taeshin confess to you… Should I get you another beer?”

Though my current can was still half full, I nodded when Yoon Yijun offered to bring more.

If I couldn’t handle it, Yoon Yijun must be even more baffled. Yoon Yijun brought me a new beer can, calling me an idiot while taking the half-empty one from me.

He must have thought I wouldn’t hear him cursing under his breath, but I heard everything.

Sniffling, I sipped the new beer can.

I wiped my tears while gnawing on some chicken.

Yoon Yijun sat beside me, making poetic remarks about how I should just accept it and let time heal it.

As I emptied the beer can while crying, the alcohol slowly started to take effect.

My eyes grew heavy, and my mind began to blur.

“Why is the kid crying? This jerk… Hey, take care of him. He’s falling asleep….”

I vaguely heard Yoon Yijun muttering in my drowsiness. I’m not drunk.

“What’s he doing here…?”

I’m not seeing him. Shut up.

“Hey! What do you think of people as…!”

Yoon Yijun’s sudden shouting brought me back from the brink of sleep.

“Ah, shut up…. Give it a rest, Yoon Yijun….”

As I curled up and wriggled, Yoon Yijun grumbled while handing me the phone.

– Sunwoo?

“…Taeshin?”

– Sunwoo, are you very drunk?

“No… I’m sorry….”

I wasn’t drunk at all, but feeling sorry for making Taeshin worry, I mumbled an apology.

Taeshin asked what I was sorry for, and I just said I was sorry for everything.

Then Taeshin called my name in a voice that sounded very pleasant to my ears.

– If you’re sorry, let it be just for today. It’s cute that you’re avoiding me, but it’s a bit troublesome if you keep doing it.

“…….”

– Sunwoo, answer me.

“…Okay….”

I dozed off and responded softly to Taeshin’s request for an answer.

Then, in a voice that sounded like he was smiling, Taeshin whispered.

– Sleep well, Sunwoo.

I tried to reply, but no sound came out. Yoon Yijun’s muttering in the distance grew fainter and fainter.

My body felt sluggish.

I hugged the blanket and tossed and turned, burying my face in the pillow before sitting up in bed with my eyes still closed.

In a daze, I recalled the dream where Taeshin appeared. In the dream, I kept apologizing, unable to contain my feelings of guilt.

Was my conscience really so heavy for lying to Taeshin?

Maybe it felt worse because I had never hidden anything or lied to him before.

After sitting for a while, I collapsed back onto the bed, rubbing my chest.

I clung to the blanket, rubbing my face against it.

Strangely, I felt a sense of relief from the apology I made in the dream.

Was it because Yoon Yijun told me to accept things if they couldn’t be changed, or was it because I confided, even just a little? I organized my thoughts with a slightly lighter heart.

What happened with Taeshin was something I couldn’t erase from my memory.

Once I acknowledged that, I realized why I couldn’t just act like nothing had happened.

I had been struggling because I was insisting that something impossible could happen, should happen. Accepting the reality, as Yoon Yijun suggested, made it easier to consider the next steps.

For now, I wanted to pretend nothing had happened, and Taeshin agreed to do the same.

But that didn’t mean we could immediately act like nothing happened.

I needed time to interact with Taeshin as I did before.

Taeshin probably pretended not to remember, but inwardly, he might be trying not to show it just like me.

I decided to act like everything was fine on the outside, even if it wasn’t true inside.

Maybe by pretending, the day would come when it really felt okay.

…It would, right?