* * *
Vivisian couldn’t bring himself to push away the hand reaching toward him.
His fevered, worn-out face crumpled like a crushed flower petal.
The pale hand that hovered near him barely managed to brush against the ends of his black hair.
“You really… didn’t leave.”
A voice rough from disuse whispered those words, and Vivisian smiled faintly.
“I promised, didn’t I? A promise is a promise.”
“Right… But… I thought you’d leave.”
Vivisian almost teased him, ‘Do I really seem that untrustworthy?’
But before he could say anything, Hesia, still lost in a feverish daze, groped blindly toward him and let out a bitter laugh.
“People like you… leave too easily.”
‘I thought you’d leave.’
‘I wouldn’t have resented you for it.’
‘After all, you’re not the kind of person who belongs in one place…’
His voice was hazy, as if lost in a dream.
‘If this isn’t a dream, can you stay a little longer?’
As if he knew the request was unreasonable.
As if he didn’t mind if it went unheard.
That was the last thing Hesia whispered before slipping back into slumber, his face now peaceful.
Vivisian watched over him in silence, his expression unreadable.
✽ ✽ ✽
Hesia opened his eyes as if lured by the familiar lullaby drifting in from somewhere.
His gaze fell on a figure by the window, humming softly while arranging a vase of flowers.
Long hair cascaded down as practiced hands carefully trimmed blue hydrangeas before placing them in the vase.
The only other sound was the occasional murmur of voices from the open window, yet the lullaby seemed to fill the entire space, making the moment feel like a fragment of a dream.
His fever had subsided, and he was about to close his eyes again, convinced he was still dreaming, when the man tending to the flowers, Vivisian, lifted his head.
Their eyes met, and Vivisian set aside what he was holding before rising from his seat.
Without making a sound, he approached the bed, reaching out to gently brush Hesia’s cheek as he asked in a soft voice:
“You’re awake, young master? You were in so much pain from the manifestation fever.”
“You… didn’t leave?”
“Don’t call me ‘you.’ Call me Ian instead. ‘You’ sounds too cold.”
Then, with a small smirk, he added, “Besides, didn’t you tell me not to go? How could I leave when you were holding me back?”
Speaking in his usual calm voice, Vivisian playfully tapped the tip of Hesia’s nose.
That small touch alone made Hesia feel as though the ground beneath him had vanished, as if his entire world was crumbling.
And in that moment, he knew—he loved him.
At first, he thought his loneliness stemmed from losing his only friend, the one person who made him feel inexplicably at peace.
But looking back now, he realized that had been a poor attempt at self-consolation.
He had clung to his first love, not even knowing that it was love, not even knowing what he was desperate for.
He had insisted that he wasn’t a child, yet every action he had taken was painfully childish.
Lost in his self-mockery, Hesia suddenly spoke.
“Now that I’m awake, are you going to leave?”
“Yeah, I should go now. Oh, and since your fever was caused by your manifestation, you need to visit a temple. You have to receive your name. Or… since you wanted me to go with you somewhere, should we go together to a decent temple?”
The words laying the foundation for their farewell were spoken so lightly.
But Hesia knew—he knew all too well—just how unbearably heavy that lightness pressed against his heart.
The steady beat within his ribs turned wild, as if his heart would burst through his chest at any moment.
Unconsciously, he clutched the skin over his heart, fingers pressing down hard.
Even though he applied quite a bit of force, he felt no pain.
With his head lowered, he gripped his chest tightly.
“Are you feeling unwell? Should I call the doctor again? Young master, if you’re in pain, tell me where it hurts. That way, I can do something to help.”
At some point, Vivisian had moved closer.
Even with his voice now so near, Hesia simply shook his head.
If he looked at him now, he’d end up crying like a child.
He didn’t want that.
No, he couldn’t let that happen.
Clinging to the last shred of his pride, he kept his head bowed and pleaded.
“Can we… not say goodbye?”
“With me?”
“Yeah. I don’t want to part with you, Ian.”
Back when he was a child, the Duke had assigned a therapist to him, hoping to help his grandson who had endured so much suffering as a slave.
Hesia, a boy who couldn’t rely on others, who couldn’t trust anyone, who was filled with doubts about himself, rarely spoke during their sessions.
Instead, silence stretched between them more often than words.
The therapist was the one who always tried to start a conversation.
‘The weather is particularly nice today. Have you gone for a walk? If not, you should try. The hydrangeas are in full bloom these days.’
‘The library recently got a collection of highly entertaining novels. Would you like me to bring one tomorrow?’
‘Do you prefer the sea or the mountains? My hometown is in the mountains, so while I think the sea is wonderful, I’m always more curious about the mountains.’
Though their conversations were insignificant, the therapist’s warmth reminded him of Vivisian.
That’s probably why he had kept her by his side for so long.
If she had stayed a few more years—if Hesia had completely opened his heart—perhaps he would have told her she was his only person, regardless of status.
If that had happened, the people trying to win his favor would have treated her kindly.
Her difficult life, devoted entirely to research, might have become easier.
But when had anyone Hesia cared about ever stayed by his side?
She had only accepted the king’s offer because she needed money.
And once she had saved enough and found something new to study, she had turned away from Hesia without hesitation.
‘Your Grace, emotions are something that can be seen. And because they’re visible, they’re also easy to misinterpret. Hate can be mistaken for resentment or anger. Affection can be mistaken for love or simple fondness. And longing for someone can seem unnecessary. That’s why people must put their feelings into words. If left unsaid, emotions are easily misunderstood, their weight diminished as they pass between people.’
‘Diminished?’
‘Yes. Expressing love through actions is important. But as it reaches the other person, it inevitably loses some of its weight. However, the words “I love you” are different. The voice, the expression, the gestures, the look on one’s face—all of it comes together to convey love in its fullest form.’
‘Through words…’
‘Yes, through words. The belief that emotions can be understood without being spoken is a misconception. If you don’t say it, people won’t know its weight. And even you may not truly understand your own feelings. But once you say it out loud, everything becomes clear.’
She had once mentioned losing her partner in a massive fire, the same accident that left a large scar on her face.
She had smiled as she traced the dark fabric of the hat she always wore to hide it.
Love, she had said, was something even the person feeling it might not fully recognize if left unspoken.
For some reason, that memory resurfaced in Hesia’s mind at that moment.
Up until now, everything had felt hazy.
Even as he spoke, part of him wondered if this was still a dream.
If, when he truly opened his eyes, Vivisian would already be gone.
But now… now he was certain.
For the first time, Hesia spoke the words he had never dared to say, the words he had never found a reason to say before.
With trembling eyes filled with countless emotions, he looked up at Vivisian, who skillfully met his gaze.
Hesia, unable to hold the eye contact for long, glanced away before hesitantly whispering:
“I like you.”
Vivisian tilted his head, as if puzzled by the ambiguous confession.
But instead of interrupting, he gestured for Hesia to continue, stopping him from tearing at the sheets in nervous frustration.
Hesia glanced at the cool hand covering his own before speaking again.
“I like you.”
“Me? Is there someone else here besides me?”
“Who else would be here besides you? What kind of weird question is that?”
After mustering the courage to say he liked him, Vivisian responded with nonsense.
Hesia, at a loss for words, grew slightly frustrated.
The mix of embarrassment and uncertainty in his eyes was soon overshadowed by irritation. Seeing this, Vivisian quickly backed down.
“Alright, I get it. I was just so caught off guard that I said something dumb… But, um, since we haven’t known each other that long, don’t you think it’s a bit too soon to call this love?”
“Is there really such a thing as being too fast in love? People meet on the first day, fall in love, and get married the next day.”
“Who does that?”
“…Someone does!”
There had been cases where people met one day and married the next.
It had happened in a noble family.
The eldest son, who was originally supposed to marry, ran away the day before the wedding.
So, the second son met the intended bride in his place and married her the very next day as originally planned.
The situation was slightly different, but close enough, so Hesia didn’t bother correcting himself.
And Vivisian, who noticed something hidden in his words, just smiled in amusement.
* * *
