* * *
I blinked.
The light that had been filling my chest went out just like that.
During the past month, when I kept some distance from Taehwan, I thought a lot about the “line” between friends.
And through that, my aversion to certain acts had lessened a lot.
I was confident I wouldn’t freak out like I used to.
I even knew how big Taehwan was now, so I’d mentally prepared myself—and yet… I hadn’t expected this.
“Th- throat?”
“Yeah.”
“No, but why would you…”
I was honestly shocked.
Why would anyone want to put that in a place meant for swallowing food?
It was already a surprise to learn kissing involved using tongues, and giving oral was pretty shocking too—but this?
This was on another level.
The adult world still felt like an unfathomable abyss to me.
Maybe noticing the color drain from my face, Taehwan gently cupped my cheeks with both hands and rubbed them softly.
That calmed me down a little—but only for a moment.
Then his hand moved to my throat.
No way, I thought, as I tried to guess his intentions.
He lightly made a fist and pressed it against my neck.
“If I put the whole thing in, it’ll bulge out here like this.”
“Ugh…”
“It’ll hurt—probably a lot. You’ll gag, feel like throwing up, and it’ll be hard to breathe.”
That… actually sounds right.
Especially considering Taehwan’s size—if I weren’t unusually flexible and tough for an Awakened, maybe even S-rank, this might be something I shouldn’t even attempt.
Just imagining that thing going down my throat made a chill run down my spine.
My throat tightened, and I gulped.
Seeing me like that, Taehwan gave a faint smile.
“Scary, right? So let’s not do the sucking thing. Just use your hands. That’s enough for me.”
“U-uhm…”
Now that he said it, using my mouth did feel like a bit too much.
I mean, I’ve only ever received, never even touched someone else’s before.
Trying something so advanced out of nowhere was definitely strange.
And if I messed it up and Taehwan didn’t feel good, it would completely defeat my original purpose.
Just as I was about to step back and agree—
‘Huh?’
Once I snapped out of my thoughts, I realized Taehwan was watching me.
As if waiting for my answer, he was gazing at me with those brown eyes, a little dazed.
But something in his gaze looked… off.
His big hand was still tracing along my neck.
It cupped the line of my throat, his thumb brushing up toward my jaw, then sliding down to my Adam’s apple.
It was almost like…
“Taehwan.”
When I called his name, his gaze, which had been focused on my neck, rose—but stopped around my lips.
He looked exhausted.
And since I basically woke him up, maybe he wasn’t fully conscious yet.
That might explain it.
Maybe that’s why his real thoughts slipped out when they normally wouldn’t have.
Looking up into his soft brown eyes under those drooping lashes, I asked—one last confirmation.
“Are you really okay with just my hands?”
“Yeah. That’s enough. Are we going with that?”
He answered immediately, like he’d been waiting.
But his voice carried a completely different emotion.
It was oddly subdued.
And I definitely saw disappointment flicker in his eyes.
He even sighed—briefly.
Not with relief, but with regret.
That’s when I knew for sure.
“…You’re lying.”
Taehwan was lying.
“Huh?”
I stared at him, expression hardening.
His face filled with surprise, and our eyes met.
Realizing what he’d been doing, he finally let go of my neck—but it was too late.
I already saw it coming, and grabbed his wrist to guide his hand back to my throat.
The warmth of his broad palm wrapped around my neck.
“You do want to put it in here, don’t you? I’ll let you.”
“W-wait, no. I…”
“I’m really okay. Do it the way that feels best for you.”
I already understood how Taehwan felt.
Wanting to show him I was serious, I moved right away—lowering my head, reaching for his pants.
“J-Jehee, don’t.”
But before I could even undo the buckle, he grabbed my wrist.
“Why? Isn’t it hard for you to hold back?”
At my worried question, Taehwan’s eyes trembled.
He opened his mouth a couple of times, struggling to speak, before finally managing to say,
“Let’s shower. Both of us. I mean, just look at me—I’m a mess right now… We need to clean up.”
“Oh, right. Then… wanna shower together? It’s been a while.”
“No. Absolutely not!”
“…Huh?”
His sudden outburst startled me.
Was it really that bad?
He used to insist on washing me even when I wanted to do it alone.
Seeing how surprised I was, Taehwan quickly tried to explain, still clearly flustered.
“Making decisions like this on the fly isn’t good. I need time to think while I shower. If we go in together, I won’t be able to focus. I’ll go shower upstairs. You think it over in the meantime, okay? You can still change your mind.”
I stared up at his face, now flushed red.
‘Not like I’m going to change my mind…’
But he seemed so desperate.
And well, it’s probably better to be clean if we’re going to be getting that close anyway.
“…Alright. Here. Drink this honey water and go shower.”
Letting it go, I sent him off and headed to shower myself.
I soaked the rice for porridge and took a nice, hot shower.
Strangely though, Taehwan—who usually moved way faster than me—still hadn’t come downstairs by the time I finished showering and was prepping the ingredients.
Even as I peeled a carrot, my eyes kept drifting toward the stairs leading to the second floor.
I couldn’t concentrate.
I felt like I might cut myself if I wasn’t careful.
Eventually, I just put everything down.
‘No way… Is he… taking care of it by himself up there?’
That would hurt—a lot.
Maybe not just a little. A lot.
I wanted to believe Taehwan wouldn’t do that without saying anything to me.
But if not that, why was he taking so long?
Feeling oddly restless, I ended up heading upstairs.
I loitered near the bathroom, and just as I did, Taehwan sighed loud enough for me to hear and called out:
“Jehee, what are you doing? Are you spying on me?”
“Ah, no… I was just wondering when you’d be done.”
“I’ll be out soon. Just wait a little longer.”
“Okay!”
I answered brightly, but I still couldn’t bring myself to go downstairs.
I wanted to make sure Taehwan’s “thing” was still in good shape.
He must have been uncomfortable with me hovering around the shower area, because after letting out a few deep sighs, he finally threw the door open and came out.
Taehwan stood in front of me, his body still heavy with steam and heat.
My eyes were drawn to the hair sticking to his forehead, his damp face, and the droplets of water either clinging to his chin or trailing down his thick neck—before I forced myself to lower my gaze.
Thankfully, Taehwan’s that part was as solid as ever.
Even under the bathrobe, it was clearly outlined.
It might’ve even looked bigger than usual… though that could’ve just been my imagination.
“Well, look at you. That’s the first thing you check. Since when were you so deeply interested in my dick?”
The moment I confirmed it was still firm, I couldn’t help but feel relieved, even smiling a little.
His words hit me straight in the chest.
“N-No, I, uh, it’s just…”
I shook my head reflexively, but the flush on my face and the way I was acting made it obvious I was lying.
And of course, Taehwan wasn’t stupid—he saw right through me, giving me a suspicious side-eye.
Fidgeting with my hands, I decided to change the subject.
“What about you? Why’d your shower take so long?”
“I dunno… just messing around a bit.”
“Messing around with what?”
“…”
Taehwan avoided my eyes.
He kept his mouth shut, then suddenly turned the question back on me.
“Forget it. Did you think it over?”
“Think what over?”
“…Are you really gonna do it?”
“Yeah. We said we would, didn’t we? That’s why I was waiting.”
“Don’t you have something else to do? You kept rustling around out there.”
“Oh, that was me making porridge for you. You haven’t eaten properly the last few days, right? You shouldn’t have anything too spicy when you’re like that.”
“…”
“I’ve already prepped the ingredients. I’ll cook it soon, so eat up, okay? If you eat well, your body will feel better too. Just like before.”
Back in the day, whenever Taehwan was sick, I used to make porridge and feed it to him.
It started because he saw me making baby food for my younger siblings and asked for some too.
That turned into a bit of a tradition—he only felt better after eating porridge I made.
Well, once I started living in the hospital, I couldn’t cook anymore, so I started giving him store-bought porridge instead.
“I only had ingredients at home today for egg and veggie porridge, but I’ll buy abalone tomorrow and make abalone porridge. I’m not great at prepping it… but I can just ask your mom how to do it.”
Just thinking about feeding Taehwan something delicious made me happy.
But in contrast, his expression looked… underwhelmed.
* * *
