* * *
“He’s a good kid. So good it makes you wish all kids these days were like him… But what does that matter? Being good doesn’t put food on the table, does it?”
I couldn’t take any more.
If I kept listening, I might do something I couldn’t undo.
“Ma’am.”
I must have been showing exactly what I was feeling, because the moment she saw me, she jumped like she’d seen a ghost and quickly hung up.
“If Jehee dies, you lose your job too, don’t you?”
“W-Wait, Taehwan! I didn’t mean any harm—really!”
I let out a dry laugh.
No harm?
She wished him dead—but claimed there was no malice.
And yet, she was quick to defend herself.
She had to know how disgusting her words were.
“I just… I just feel so bad for his mom, that’s all!”
“And what about Jehee? Didn’t you feel bad for him?”
“Of course I did. Of course. But… he’s going to die anyway, isn’t he? The living have to live.”
I clenched my fists.
Rage spread through my body, enough to make me tremble.
I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d been this angry.
But I had to hold it in.
Awakened ones can’t hit civilians—especially not the elderly.
Jehee would never want me to yell at her or lash out, even if he heard everything she just said.
I had to settle this calmly.
Do only what Jehee would want.
I forced myself to breathe.
Unclenched my fists.
Spoke as evenly as I could manage.
“Please go home. I’ll take care of Jehee tonight.”
“Taehwan…”
“I’ll explain everything to my father and Jehee’s mother. You’ll hear from them directly. I hope we don’t have to see each other again.”
I turned and walked back toward the isolation ward.
I didn’t even have the emotional bandwidth to call my dad.
If I tried now, I’d probably just yell and make a scene.
I sat down and waited for Jehee’s fever to go down, staring up at the ceiling.
I couldn’t think. My mind was blank.
And then—just as the faint light of dawn began to rise—
“Jehee… has only me.”
Even when he wasn’t running a fever, the hospital staff kept their distance.
They said he gave off harmful substances, and avoided him as much as possible.
His younger siblings loved him—but they were still just kids.
His mom was busy raising them on her own.
As for friends, teachers—
They only ever sent one bundle of letters, and that was six months after everything happened.
The caregiver was the only person, besides me, who had regular contact with him…
And she was someone who wanted him dead.
I was the only one who genuinely wanted Jehee to live.
The only one cheering him on from close by.
‘So then…’
What did it mean when the only person like that—me—was told not to come to the hospital?
Jehee had said he wanted to die.
If he told me to stay away because he believed he could only die if I wasn’t there—
If he’s been holding on this whole time only because of me—
Because I didn’t give up.
Because he wanted to live up to my expectations.
Because he didn’t want to make me sad.
If that was the only reason he stayed alive…
Then even being gone for a month—
Might mean I’d never see Jehee alive again.
My hands trembled.
I had been stupid—complacent—thinking that as long as the corruption wasn’t spreading, he wouldn’t die.
I must never leave him alone.
If I ever have to leave, I need to make a promise.
I have to keep giving him a reason to live.
I covered my face with both hands.
“I’m really glad… Jehee has me.”
The thought stopped mid-way.
Is it really something to be glad about?
That the reason Jehee keeps living… is me?
Keeping him in this hospital, wasting his life away with no hope, no dreams—
Is that truly for his sake?
Is he happy, waking up each day not knowing when he’ll die?
Jehee had always been so full of energy.
He was never the type to just sit back and accept things.
He always charged forward, even when it was tough.
And yet, I…
“I don’t want you to die, Jehee.”
I want him to live.
To keep fighting, keep holding on.
Even if people call me selfish, I can’t let him go.
I’ll hold on until the end.
I’ll beg him to live. To stay with me.
“I’m really glad I’m impotent.”
Jehee is trapped in this hospital because of me.
I’m the one who took everything from him.
And I still find myself feeling… satisfied, just seeing him smile at me every time I visit.
If I had even a shred of decency, I should never want anything more than for him to keep living.
I should never let it twist into something ugly.
Never.
Because if I ever felt sexually aroused by Jehee—
If I ever wanted his body—
I could never forgive myself.
So I must never, ever let greed consume me again.
I’ve already driven Jehee to the edge of a cliff too many times—I must not cross the final line.
I know better than anyone that my love will never be fulfilled.
“…Like hell I’m impotent.”
After carefully washing the hand that caught Jehee’s semen, we had a meal together.
For dessert, we shared some bright red, perfectly ripe strawberries.
Even when I saw Jehee and his mother off, I truly felt nothing.
At least, I thought I didn’t.
The problem came afterward.
When I returned to my room and found Jehee’s underwear lying on my bed, it felt like a volcano erupted inside me.
Memories crashed down like a waterfall of boiling spring water.
The moment I slipped those off his tense legs, Jehee’s tightly sealed lips, the faint tremble of his flat stomach when I touched it, the moan he let out when I stroked him, his eyes drenched in pleasure, and even the hot, slippery sensation of his semen covering my hand—everything came flooding back.
By the time I came to my senses, I was already holding Jehee’s underwear in one hand while pleasuring myself with the other.
“Haah…”
How many times did I come?
I’d lost count in the haze, but it was more than three.
I tried not to dirty Jehee’s underwear, but at some point, I accidentally squeezed them.
The sight of his underwear soaked in my semen sent a twisted jolt of satisfaction through me, only making it worse.
And the delusions I entertained all the way to climax…
Because I’ve cared for him for so long, I could easily conjure up Jehee’s naked body.
His private parts aroused me.
The sound of him moaning in pain from the heat served as an erotic side dish while I came.
My conscience felt torn to shreds.
I liked Jehee purely, loved him, cared for him out of guilt—but this one act of masturbation made it feel like I had invalidated everything.
“I’m not even worthy of being called his friend…”
I squeezed my eyes shut. I had no idea how I’d face Jehee today.
Could I really act like nothing happened, like I always have?
After having those kinds of thoughts?
After doing that?
What if he touches me and I suddenly get hard…?
“Fuck.”
Just imagining it made me want to die.
I couldn’t even begin to guess what excuse I’d give to a wide-eyed Jehee.
If that really happened, it’d be the most shameful moment of my life.
Worse, it could mean the end of everything—with the person I’ve loved for so long, my childhood friend—reaching a point of no return.
Jehee may be a bit naive, but he’s no fool.
He’s stubborn, too.
Most of the lies I’ve told him were only possible because he trusted me so deeply and had limited access to the truth.
Even if my intentions were partially good, I can’t deny there was selfishness too.
If someone were to cherry-pick the worst parts of me, they’d find plenty.
The moment Jehee’s trust in me falters, everything would come crashing down like dominoes and return as karmic punishment in the form of a massive wave.
“Goddamn it…”
And as Jehee starts stepping into society and learning how the world works, how long can I keep deceiving him?
How long can I shamelessly go on like this, after what I did?
How long can I keep calling myself his friend?
Can I even live without him…?
“Haah…”
I stood there, staring blankly at the ceiling.
My eyes were open, but the world felt pitch-black.
Jehee keeps soaring higher each day, like he’s flying out of reach.
And me? I feel like I’m tumbling further down a cliff with each passing moment.
If Jehee really flies somewhere I can’t ever reach—maybe I truly wouldn’t be able to bear it.
Like… if he got a lover, for example…
‘Stop.’
A primal dread gripped me.
I tried to cut off the thought, but it wouldn’t stop.
In my mind, the imaginary Jehee introduced me to his lover—and before I could say hello, my hand struck first.
I grabbed the guy’s throat and squeezed.
Even as someone screamed nearby, I didn’t stop.
I kept squeezing until the strength drained from his body.
Jehee said something in shock, but I didn’t hear it.
I just yanked his wrist.
‘Stop imagining it.’
But the setting in my imagination had already changed—to my room.
I was pinning Jehee beneath me on my bed.
His black eyes looked up at me, filled with betrayal.
He hated me.
He despised me.
But I didn’t stop.
I held both of his wrists down with one hand and grabbed his pants with the other.
Whether I tore them or yanked them down, I don’t know—but soon enough, his lower half was naked.
I wrapped his struggling legs in one arm and lifted them over my shoulder.
The pale swell of his buttocks, and between them, that secret spot—I was about to thrust into it…
“Fuck! Stop!”
—Crash!
Only after smashing my desk to pieces did the horrific fantasy stop.
So much for the shock-absorbent coating I’d added just in case—I split it cleanly in two with a single punch.
Since it was the only other piece of furniture in my room besides the bed, everything on it was destroyed too—but I didn’t care.
If breaking it stopped that nightmare, then it was worth it.
I raised my chin and let out a long, ragged breath.
“…Ha.”
I must be insane. Completely and utterly insane.
After already taking so much from Jehee, I went and did that—and on top of it, indulged in such depraved fantasies.
I’m crossing the line more and more.
I said I’d take responsibility, that I’d make him happy—what a fucking lie.
My whole body was drenched in cold sweat.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been this on edge.
My head was blank.
I couldn’t think.
I didn’t want to do anything.
Bzzzt.
The vibration of my phone snapped me out of it.
* * *
