* * *
Here we go again.
This guy can’t do anything without me, yet he keeps trying to kick me out of this hospital room.
He’s holding me tightly in his arms, burying his face in me like this, and still tells me not to come?
“The doctor said It is a miracle I didn’t die. It’s been three full years…”
Now that he says it, it has been almost exactly three years since the incident.
When Jehee was first given his terminal diagnosis, every day felt like walking on thin ice, and I treasured each moment like gold.
But contrary to our fears, his condition didn’t deteriorate further.
Thanks to that, I eventually forgot to worry…
But I guess Jehee didn’t.
“Yeah? That’s good news.”
“So you don’t have to come out of guilt, thinking I might die. Don’t come anymore…”
“I’ve told you so many times, that’s not it. I come because I want to.”
“…”
He stayed silent, but something felt off.
Jehee’s body was trembling slightly.
His breathing was irregular.
He couldn’t breathe through his nose, only gasped through his mouth.
“Jehee.”
“…”
“Jung Jehee, what are you thinking right now? Tell me.”
“…Nothing. I wasn’t thinking anything…”
“Yes, you were. I said, tell me.”
I was getting anxious.
I tried to calm him by gently stroking his back, but Jehee only became more unstable.
I had a strong, terrible feeling—like if I left him alone now, something would go very wrong.
Carefully, I took hold of his head and pulled it away.
He kept trying to lower his head and curl up, but I kept calling his name until he finally looked up.
As I expected, he was crying.
His long lashes were wet.
The cheek that had been smiling under my hand just moments ago was now a mess, drenched in tears.
Jehee kept his lips tightly shut and remained silent, but finally, after my repeated urging, he opened up.
“I… want to die.”
My face was reflected blankly in those eyes, now unable to see any of the world’s beauty.
“I wish I could just die already… I’ve been waiting for this day… Why won’t I die? When can I die…”
The lips that once gently called my name now tore through my heart.
“…”
It felt like poison was spilling from my broken heart, melting all my insides.
The despair filling the air made it hard to breathe.
It was only when I saw more tears welling up in Jehee’s eyes that I managed to speak.
“…Jehee.”
“I’m just a money-eating hippo. I’m stuck in a hospital, can’t do anything. If I just died quickly, Mom would be at peace… and you too…”
“Jung Jehee.”
“Sorry. You probably don’t want to hear this… I’m sorry. I really am…”
He was right—I didn’t want to hear it.
But watching him apologize hurt me in a whole different way.
It felt like my insides were rotting away.
Jehee always smiled at me.
Even though he must have resented and hated me, he never once got angry with me.
Even now, talking about death, he still doesn’t blame me.
He just tries to carry it all by himself.
I knew how long and hard he must have struggled before saying those words.
He must have finally wanted to share the burden he couldn’t carry alone—with me, the one closest to him.
I pulled him into a firm hug.
“I’m not giving up on you. I’ll keep coming to see you. I’ll hold you like this. I’ll stay by your side.”
“…”
“So, Jehee, don’t give up either. Don’t think like that.”
“…Okay.”
He answered, but he couldn’t stop crying so easily.
Still, I knew he’d heard me.
I didn’t want to push him further, so I just gently wiped away the tears on his cheeks and waited for him to calm down.
Eventually, he smiled.
And in a voice and expression that were unmistakably Jung Jehee, he declared:
“I won’t give up. I won’t make you sad.”
That dawn, Jehee had a fever.
While we were sleeping together, a loud alarm sounded and woke me up.
The medical staff rushed in and took Jehee from my arms.
They stripped him and locked him in an isolation room.
Jehee lay motionless on the cold floor of that bleak room, his pale body so still he looked like a corpse.
I had to stare hard to check if he was even breathing.
Maybe he heard my voice calling to him from outside the door—it sounded so pitiful.
Jehee turned his flushed face toward me and smiled.
His lips moved.
“I’m okay.”
His eyes, which had been searching for me, finally closed.
It seemed the fever had risen so high he couldn’t even keep them open.
But his lips kept moving.
At first, I thought he was saying “I won’t give up”…
But no—it was:
“I mustn’t give up.”
Like he was terrified he’d actually give up if he let down his guard for even a moment, he mumbled it again and again, as if promising himself.
Watching him fight to hold on to life, I suddenly realized—
Jehee is fighting right now.
Some people say the recurring fevers that attack his body are a sign of poison eating away at him, but I disagree.
The fever is proof that Jehee—his small body—is fighting the poison inside.
He’s battling it with everything he has, trying to drive it out of his body.
The heat is just a byproduct of that desperate struggle.
The fact he’s survived for three years isn’t a coincidence—it’s the result of Jehee’s relentless will to live.
“Guardian, please leave now.”
“Yes. Of course.”
If I could, I’d stay to keep watching over him.
I’d do anything to hold him until his fever breaks. That’s how desperate I am.
But they wouldn’t allow it.
Even if I’m awakened, even if I’m unaffected by Jehee’s poison—it didn’t matter.
They said it’s because I’m still a minor.
I tried to force my way in once, and they warned me that I might be banned from visiting altogether.
So I gave up.
I can’t be there for Jehee.
I have to do something else.
I quietly stepped out into the hallway.
Sat on a chair.
Folded my hands.
Got lost in thought.
“What more can I do for Jehee…”
Visiting him every day, spending time together—it’s not enough.
That’s only enough forme.
I love Jehee, but to him, I’m just a friend.
Someone he can easily push aside, even after his own family.
If that bitter voice in his head saying “being alive only burdens others” grows louder than my “please, just live”—he might abandon me and choose death.
Just staying by his side isn’t enough.
I need to know my place.
Jehee needs more reason to live.
Something beyond me. I have to help give him something more—something worth living for.
What would be best?
Instead of just covering the hospital bills, should I ask something from Jehee?
Something that makes him feel like he’s earning it himself.
It would be even better if he could feel like he’s contributing—just a little—to his family, or to the world.
If he’s in a place where he’s thinking about dying, he probably hates the idea of getting checkups.
Rather than staying locked up in the hospital room, it might help if he has to come and go for regular tests.
That way, he might hold on a little longer.
“Maybe something like… covering his hospital expenses in exchange for regular checkups…”
Would that work?
I can’t be sure, but doing something is better than nothing.
I have to move.
That’s the only way I can protect Jehee.
I was on my way downstairs, phone in hand, ready to talk to my father—
When I heard a familiar voice.
“Yeah, the kid suddenly got worse again.”
It was Jehee’s caregiver.
It sounded like she rushed over after hearing he had a fever.
That part was fine.
I was just about to pass by after thanking her for coming so late—
Until I heard what she said next.
“Ugh, it’s the mom I feel bad for, not the kid. I mean, how’s a young single mom supposed to raise three kids on her own without a single relative to help her? Sure, she could manage if they were all healthy, but who’s gonna take in a woman with a sick child? And it’s not just any illness—his body’s tainted with gate toxins, you know?”
It felt like my whole body had frozen solid.
Only then did Jehee’s earlier words hit me with full clarity.
He’d said he needed to die because he was a burden to his mother.
Jehee—who was always so positive—there’s no way he came up with something so horrible on his own.
And it wasn’t like his mother would ever say that to him, either.
She loved him dearly, always cared for him, and carried a deep sense of guilt.
You could tell she was trying not to repeat the same mistakes she made after the twins were born.
So then—
The one who planted that weight in Jehee’s heart…
Was someone else.
“That kid really needs to die already. They said he wouldn’t live past three years, but look—still hanging on.”
That woman.
The person who was supposed to support Jehee, help him with his difficulties, be the one to fill the gaps—
She was the one shoving him closer to the edge.
* * *
