* * *
I sat down on a nearby chair and watched the situation unfold.
“Director?”
“Why does my stomach feel weird?”
“What did you have for lunch, director?”
“Octopus and soju?”
I chuckled. We had a shoot in a few hours, and he had soju?
‘Isn’t he just an alcoholic?’
Now that I think about it, he might also have anger management issues. Instead of being on set, shouldn’t he be in a mental hospital?
He seemed in desperate need of professional help.
Soon, his stomach started grumbling, and he clenched his legs together.
“Director? Should I get you some medicine?”
Even in that state, our dear Director yelled.
“Shut up!”
And then it happened.
‘Oh no…’
The unmistakable smell filled the air. The assistant director and manager quickly stepped back.
‘He’s abandoned all human dignity.’
The Director finally realized what he had done and started to waddle away. The problem was, once the anus lets go, there’s no turning back.
Something began to drip onto the floor.
“Ahh!”
A female staff member screamed. I quietly looked up at the ceiling. The studio’s enclosed ceiling looked quite beautiful.
“What is this?”
I looked back down.
The staff were staring at it. The Director hurried towards the bathroom, leaving unwanted traces behind with each step.
Silence filled the air.
Then someone broke it.
“Did he just poop?”
The silence shattered, and the staff started murmuring.
Oh, I didn’t believe in God, but I felt like making the sign of the cross.
This would become legendary.
‘The pooping director.’
Unbelievable.
One of the more squeamish staff members started laughing.
The manager, wiping his hands with wet tissues, approached me.
“Crazy bastard.”
Even the plump manager shook his head.
“I’ve seen many things, but this is a first. He’s a perverted guy, isn’t he? Don’t look; it’ll burn your eyes.”
“Given his sudden illness, it seems the soju and octopus didn’t agree with him.”
“Everyone else seems fine though? Did he eat it all himself?”
“We all ate together, but it’s possible for just one person to react badly. Plus, he’s always angry. Anger and alcohol don’t mix well too.”
The manager was still patting his chest, feeling nauseous.
“Anyway, he’s crazy. Handling that guy’s clothes gives me chills!”
“Have some water.”
“Water won’t do. I need cola! Even Mira would forgive me for having it now.”
Even if Mira forgave him, his body wouldn’t.
I rested my chin on my hand and watched the chaos. The assistant director was surprisingly diligent. He cleaned up the unspeakable mess himself, wearing sanitary gloves and a mask.
‘Wow.’
I felt an automatic respect as a fellow human.
‘An assistant director who cleans actual poop.’
The manager sipped cola as he approached the assistant director.
‘How will this play out?’
Would the Director return to the set after emptying himself in the bathroom?
‘If he’s human, he should feel ashamed.’
I fiddled with the smartphone in my pocket.
‘If he comes back, he’ll get to experience it all over again.’
I was pondering the right approach when suddenly, a staff member ran up to the assistant director and shouted.
“Assistant Director! The Director said his hemorrhoids flared up in the bathroom, and he can’t do the shoot!”
Oh dear. Misfortune upon misfortune.
‘I hadn’t even considered hemorrhoids?’
Was it a pre-existing condition?
I made a subtle sign of the cross for real this time. He was beyond redemption.
‘Rest in peace.’
Never return.
“So, what do we do now?”
I swayed my legs slightly and said.
“Someone has to clean up the mess.”
The assistant director tied up a garbage bag. The manager spoke.
“He’s already cleaning, isn’t he?”
“Not that mess, that one.”
I pointed to the set.
“I’m a substitute too, you know.”
Surely, I could be a substitute director too?
The assistant director removed his gloves and looked up. He glanced between me and the staff with trembling eyes.
“Assistant Director, you do it!”
“Yeah, you were a Director anyway!”
“You’ve got better sense!”
The assistant director couldn’t meet anyone’s gaze. But he sighed quietly.
“Can I really do it?”
“You’re more than capable!”
“Consider this your debut!”
With shaking hands, the assistant director wiped his face several times.
“Alright.”
He whispered.
“This is my chance.”
His docile demeanor suddenly changed. Was this like Jekyll and Hyde? He took off his mask and spoke.
“First, I’ll wash my face. I’ve been dealing with filth.”
Oh.
‘He’s more interesting than I thought.’
I smiled brightly.
“Go somewhere the Director isn’t present.”
The assistant director smiled back.
“Oh, I almost forgot. Thanks, Dowongie. Righ… the bathroom won’t do.”
Dowongie?
‘What an unusual nickname.’
Why do people seems to like making up nicknames for me?
“I’ll brief you once I’m back. Please wait.”
The assistant director disappeared with a smile. Curious, I asked a staff member.
“Um, what’s the assistant director’s name?”
“Lee Hakjae.”
For a moment, I thought he was in his 50s.
‘Why give a young person such an old-fashioned name?’
I searched my memory. Now I remembered.
‘The Ghost Director.’
I’d seen him once while working as a stunt double on a nearby set.
He had a decent reputation.
He was tough on lead actors during CF shoots but was good enough to get lots of offers.
‘Am I witnessing the birth of the Ghost Director?’
I shrugged. He was known for having good instincts.
“Will this CF be okay? The director is a newbie.”
The manager, who had finished his cola, sat next to me.
“You’ll do well, I’m sure of it.”
“What? How would you know that?”
“Just a hunch.”
And if it doesn’t go well, I’ll make it work somehow.
I got off the chair while fiddling with my smartphone. Just then, the assistant director, who had just finished washing his hands, signaled for the staff and me to come closer.
“The situation isn’t looking good right now.”
The assistant director said with a slight smile.
“First, staff members, if you don’t want to deal with any hassle, avoid the bathroom where Director Han is having a tough time. Guys, it’s inconvenient, but use a distant restroom.”
Oh dear.
‘So they’re just going to leave him be.’
I was starting to like the assistant director more and more. This guy has a bit of a devilish side.
“And second, our child actor, Ahyeon, is a problem.”
This caught me by surprise.
“Ahyeon has been crying continuously since earlier. That’s the first thing.”
The assistant director smiled at me.
“Dowongie, can you go calm her down? I think it’ll work.”
Why me?
I blinked in confusion, and the assistant director smiled softly.
“Quickly, please. Only you can calm Ahyeon down.”
It felt like I’d been given an unwelcome reprieve. I nodded slightly and made my way through the staff.
“Why are they asking you to calm her down?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you good with kids? Do you have any siblings?”
“I’m the youngest.”
I’ve seen plenty of kids, though.
Damn kids’ cafes.
‘There was a reason why I worked there back then… the pay was high.’
I reluctantly moved my feet.
“Hey, you Ya Dowon.”
The manager pulled on my sleeve.
“Don’t worry too much. I’ve got two kids. I’m good with children. So let me do it.”
Oh, that’s a relief.
“I’ll trust you, Manager.”
“Of course! Trust me!”
The manager patted his chest confidently. I sighed lightly and headed to where Ahyeon was resting.
I didn’t have to search for long.
“Waaahhh!”
“Ahyeon!”
Ahyeon was crying loudly like a dinosaur.
“Oh dear…”
The manager stepped forward and approached the child. I exchanged a glance with her mother.
“This time, you’re playing the boy’s role.”
“Oh, nice to meet you. You’re quite the pretty boy. I saw that music video!”
I smiled brightly to give her a better look.
“You’re even cuter when you smile.”
Well, I’d prefer being called handsome, but cute isn’t bad either.
‘At this age, it’s understandable.’
While chatting with her mother, the manager approached Ahyeon.
“Ahyeon, want to go get some ice cream?”
The Manager extended his hand, but Ahyeon remained unmoved, crying even louder like a dinosaur.
‘This isn’t working…’
Besides, why would she go with a stranger for ice cream?
“Manager…”
“This always worked with my kids.”
“That’s because you’re their dad.”
Or maybe the kids take after their dad.
I sighed and knelt to make eye contact with Ahyeon.
‘She’s really pretty.’
Now that I think about it, even I recognized Ahyeon.
‘Oh, she’ll be in a famous drama a few years from now.’
But right now, she was just a crying little kid. I made eye contact with her and smiled a bit.
Then, suddenly.
“Huh?”
The dinosaur-like crying stopped abruptly.
“Oh my!”
Her mother looked at me in surprise. Then she slowly nodded and said,
“I see. Ahyeon!”
She happily grabbed my hand.
“Thank goodness. She must like you.”
What does?
“Our Ahyeon only likes handsome boys.”
At that moment, the manager in front of me collapsed. I awkwardly smiled and looked at Ahyeon.
As if she had never cried, she dabbed her tears with a handkerchief and composed herself.
“Mom, my handkerchief.”
“Ah, here!”
Ahyeon elegantly wiped her face with a new handkerchief and extended her hand.
‘She wants to be held.’
I couldn’t help but laugh. What an amusing kid.
I picked her up and stood up slowly. She was quite heavy, but I’d get scolded if I said that out loud.
“Shall we go, Princess?”
“Yes!”
She nodded. Such a well-mannered answer. I walked slowly to the set so the princess wouldn’t be startled.
“Princess, are you ready for the shoot?”
“Yes! What about you?”
Her voice was quite cute.
“I have to get ready now.”
“I’ll wait.”
“It might take a while. I need to change clothes too.”
“I’ll stay by your side!”
“Won’t you get bored?”
“I can handle it!”
What a determined princess. As I headed to the coordinator, I said,
“Then don’t cry while you wait, okay?”
“Okay!”
Wow, seriously.
‘Kids these days are something else.’
Or maybe kids in the past were scary too.
When I approached the coordinator, they urged me to get ready quickly. I placed the princess on a chair and said,
“I’ll be back soon, okay?”
“Okay!”
I chuckled and quickly started changing. That’s when I felt an odd gaze. I turned around sharply, but there was only Ahyeon.
‘What the…’
She was staring at me intensely. Her gaze felt like a predator eyeing its prey, giving me a strange feeling.
‘What will she grow up to be…’
I shook my head and quickly got ready. For some reason, my instincts told me to hurry.
Fortunately, the costume and makeup didn’t take long. As soon as I was done, I picked up the princess and rushed to the set.
“I’m here.”
“And Ahyeon? Ah…”
The assistant director smiled in relief.
“As expected!”
“You knew?”
“Ahyeon likes handsome boys!”
At the assistant director’s words, the manager groaned behind me. I effortlessly ignored the manager’s pitiful cry about not being handsome.
Ahyeon tugged at my collar and whispered, “Oppa, you look pretty!”
“Why don’t you just say I’m handsome?”
“No! You’re pretty.”
Yeah, sure. Why is she acting like this, anyway?
“Ahyeon, let’s do well in today’s shoot, okay?”
“Don’t call me Ahyeon, call me Ahyeon-ah!”
“Uh, okay. Ahyeon-ah.”
She was quite something. I couldn’t possibly win against her earlier.
“Let’s start with the scene with General Doyeon. You know you have to eat the bread, right? Eat it deliciously!”
The staff held out a stack of croissants. I awkwardly smiled.
‘Acting while eating…’
Come to think of it, it was my first time doing eating scenes.
“We have two more bags! Eat to your heart’s content. If you need to vomit, go to the restroom! Oh, to a place where the director isn’t present.”
* * *
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