* * *
“But Isa, now that I understand my mistakes, I can do better.”
At his words, I involuntarily drew in a breath.
The sound of my short inhale settled between us, a small ripple disturbing the low-hanging silence.
“They say… some people break up because they love each other. That sometimes, letting go is the only way to stop the person you love from suffering.”
“……”
“Maybe that’s the right choice. Maybe that’s what’s best for you. I know that. I know it very well.”
I know.
Kaindel repeated the same words, his voice trembling as if his throat had tightened.
His already cracked voice wavered precariously before breaking off.
It was clear he knew exactly what he wanted to say next, yet he hesitated.
Was his head hurting?
His brows furrowed slightly as he closed his eyes for a moment before slowly opening them again.
Then, he let out a breath, his expression twisting.
It wasn’t a bright smile, nor was it a forced one worn out of sorrow.
It was something far more complicated, an indescribable mix of emotions that couldn’t be defined by a single feeling.
“I must still be stuck in my selfish, childish ways, Isa. Because I don’t understand that. If I let you go now, it feels like everything will end. So how am I supposed to let go? Even if walking away is what’s best for you, if I had the choice… I’d hold on until the very end.”
“Kaindel.”
“This must be what my love is.”
“Kaindel.”
“Yes, Isa.”
I met Kaindel’s gaze as he looked at me so honestly, without any hesitation.
At some point, his green eyes had cleared, revealing their true color.
They no longer shimmered like the lush, vibrant greens of summer, but instead carried the depth of time—an unfiltered reflection of his innermost self.
I stared into his eyes as if I had been transported two years back in time.
Back then, I couldn’t even look at him directly without being consumed by guilt.
But now, I felt nothing.
I simply looked.
“I don’t know yet, Kaindel.”
“……”
“If you’re asking whether I’ve completely erased you from my heart, the answer is no. Even now, when I hear your name, I flinch. There isn’t a single day that passes without you crossing my mind. Even if it happens less frequently, the fact that I still think about you remains unchanged. So if you’re asking whether I can completely end things with you here and now, the answer is also no. I can’t do that either.”
I loved you that much.
You meant that much to me.
I wanted to follow you anywhere.
Every time there was an empty space by your side, I wished it could be mine.
Even in places where I had no right to stand, I still wanted to be there.
From morning until night, my thoughts were filled with you.
I would wander streets for hours just to run into you.
I would fight off sleep, pinching my own thigh just to stay awake.
That’s how much I loved you.
So no, I haven’t erased you completely.
But I swallowed those thoughts.
There was no need to bring up the past now.
Doing so would only weigh Kaindel down with guilt and send our conversation in endless circles.
The whole point of talking to him now was to decide how to move forward—not to dwell on what had already happened.
“But if you’re asking whether I can love you the way I once did, then the answer is also no. Because I still carry every moment of disappointment, every wound you left on me, every memory of you choosing someone else over me. I still remember what it felt like to be by your side and yet feel like a criminal.”
Even now, I can still hear the whispers.
That wretched gray hair.
That filthy whore.
A parasite who doesn’t know his place.
Just by being with Kaindel, I became everyone’s target.
When I was his lover, to them, I was nothing but a leech—a disgrace tarnishing the hero’s honor.
And behind all those rumors was Kaindel’s indifference.
He was always too busy with the king, with the princess.
He claimed it was all for my sake, but in reality, he was distant.
And knowing that, could I really let myself be happy with him again?
No matter how much time passes, those memories will come back.
Every time there’s an empty space beside him.
Every time he comes home later than expected.
Every time I see him standing next to someone else.
They will all come rushing back, untouched by time.
“But I understand now why you did it.”
Talking to him like this made me realize—it was all because of me.
Everything he did was his way of trying to protect me.
Like that time he pulled me away from Ruen when I tried to share my bread with him.
Even if the result wasn’t what I wanted, even if I never asked for it, everything Kaindel did was for me.
“But that doesn’t mean I can forgive you.”
Understanding and forgiveness are two different things.
Just because I understand doesn’t mean I have to forgive.
And just because I say I forgive you doesn’t mean I truly understand.
“You said you still want to be with me despite everything, right?”
“…Yeah.”
Kaindel nodded slowly.
His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed hard.
He looked tense, as if he had no idea what I was going to say next.
“I won’t forgive you for what you did to me. I can understand it, but I won’t forgive it.”
“……”
“I’ll still carry the pain of what happened. And because of that, I won’t have any great expectations of you anymore.”
“……”
“But… give me time.”
“…What?”
Kaindel, who had been frozen like a man awaiting his death sentence, finally stirred.
His lips parted, and he blinked at me in disbelief.
As if he wasn’t sure he had heard me correctly.
Or maybe he just wanted to hear it again.
I clenched and unclenched my fists.
The ticking of the clock rang in my ears, grounding me in reality.
My head throbbed slightly as the weight of everything pressed down on me.
Putting my thoughts into words felt overwhelming.
“I understand your feelings now. So let me think. There’s been too much happening. I need time to sit with my thoughts, alone, and figure out what to do.”
“……”
“And if I’m going to accept you despite everything, I need time to prepare myself for that, too.”
“Ah.”
Kaindel let out a soft breath.
A realization had dawned on him.
Hope and uncertainty flickered across his face, revealing exactly what was running through his mind.
“So, does that mean there’s a chance your conclusion will be a positive one?”
“Not sure yet.”
“Alright.”
I shrugged, and Kaindel’s lips curled slightly.
It was a half-hearted smile—one that seemed to fold up any lingering expectations and tuck them away.
Pressing his tongue against the inside of his cheek, Kaindel eventually ran a hand through his hair.
His fine golden locks rippled down his smooth forehead like flowing waves.
“Take as much time as you need to think it through. A day, a week, a month, half a year—whatever it takes. Even if your conclusion is negative, I’ll understand. I’d prefer a positive one, but I don’t want you to feel pressured. Whatever decision you make, I’ll accept it.”
“Hmm.”
“But in the meantime, let me stay near you.”
“Near me?”
“Yeah, near you.”
I widened my eyes.
I hadn’t expected that.
I thought Kaindel would either be disappointed or try to convince me otherwise.
It didn’t seem like something he’d drag out unnecessarily.
After all, he had already waited long enough—it wasn’t like him to test his patience even further.
And yet, here he was, saying he’d wait.
However long it took.
There was a condition, of course—he wanted to stay close.
But since I hadn’t planned on staying away from him while sorting out my feelings, it wasn’t an issue.
In fact, seeing this changed Kaindel up close might actually help me believe that he truly meant what he said about things being different from now on.
“Alright. You can stay nearby.”
“Thank you.”
Kaindel’s smile grew wider at my immediate response.
It was the brightest, most genuine smile I’d seen from him since our reunion.
* * *
