* * *
Raizen is a madman.
“Why… why do I have to sleep with you? Huh?”
“It’s just for an experiment.”
He smiled his usual gentle smile, but there was an odd liveliness to it.
Not just the kind of cheerfulness born from a good mood—it was the unsettling energy of someone whose happiness had spiraled into madness.
“Can’t we just hold hands?”
“Holding hands only worked temporarily. We went three days without touching, and it came back.”
His seriousness made him seem even more unhinged.
“Do you… want to sleep with me that badly?”
Raizen didn’t hesitate for a second.
“No.”
‘You bastard.’
Sure, I didn’t want to either, but hearing him say it so bluntly hurt.
“Then why…?”
“Would you rather hold hands with me all day long?”
“Th-that’s… not realistic!”
For a moment, curiosity flickered in Raizen’s eyes.
“Is your brain actually getting better?”
‘Keep those thoughts to yourself, you lunatic.’
As expected of someone destined to be the villain.
Even when he said something obnoxious and cringe-worthy, it somehow suited him.
“Raizen… you know, I’m really…”
“If you’re about to say you’re not sure if you have divine power, stop right there.”
“…Okay.”
“Whether you have divine power or not doesn’t matter. What’s important is that it works against that thing. We call it divine power because it’s the closest equivalent.”
That only made it more ominous.
The idea of a force effective just through contact—what am I, some kind of totem?
“Who knows? Maybe there’s another reason you survived.”
‘This guy is crossing the line.’
I didn’t know why I felt a lump in my throat.
I wasn’t really Sean, nor had I experienced proper parents.
Maybe it was because the Duke and Duchess had been close to Sean’s parents.
Even though the novel didn’t elaborate, I felt like they must have been good parents, just like the Duke and Duchess.
Still, I couldn’t exactly tell this future villain, “You’re crossing the line.”
If I did, Sean would break character, and Raizen would start doubting me.
“Raizen.”
“What?”
He answered nonchalantly, still unaware of the problem.
I deliberately drooped my eyes and spoke with a trembling voice.
“Words like that… make me sad.”
“Ah…”
As if he understood, Raizen let out a small sound and tilted his head.
“Why?”
This guy doesn’t even have empathy, does he?
Well, when you’re consumed by your own pain, it’s hard to care about others.
I knew that feeling too.
‘Sigh…’
I wondered if this was how my older brother felt watching me.
“Why? Because…”
Pretending to be utterly dejected, I sniffled.
“If you don’t figure out why, I won’t sleep with you.”
“What?”
Sorry, but I’m not generous enough to explain everything to you.
‘Might as well use this to teach the future villain some empathy.’
If the curse didn’t completely disappear, maybe things would still change a little.
“In return, if you figure it out, I’ll do as you say.”
Only then did Raizen’s furrowed brow relax.
“You promise?”
“Yeah. And until then, let’s just hold hands every day.”
Honestly, I was just as nervous.
There were only ten days left until Raizen’s birthday.
“Sigh.”
No matter how much I tried to hold it back, I kept letting out deep sighs.
Gripping a fountain pen, I stared at a blank notebook that looked like a sketchbook.
This world had items that seemed to blend Korean and medieval aesthetics, and the notebook in front of me was one of them.
It gave me a strange feeling every time I saw it.
‘Should I think of this as reality or as the world of a novel?’
Strictly speaking, this particular time wasn’t even part of the novel.
It was an untold moment.
‘Thinking about it won’t solve anything.’
Anyway, this wasn’t my notebook.
It was Sean’s.
It was filled with notes written in the Empire’s common language, crafted to look like a child’s handwriting.
When I’m deep in thought, I have a habit of jotting down random words or doodles.
Writing the novel’s contents in Korean felt strange, so I kept the two separate.
This was Sean’s worries.
Those were mine.
‘Otherwise, I feel like I’d lose myself completely.’
Anyway, I have to go back.
After all, it’s the 1.5-room apartment I worked so hard to secure.
I wanted to leave behind my dreadful past and start anew there.
A life where I could escape parents who constantly blamed me yet demanded repayment for raising me—a life where I could spend the money I earned solely on myself.
“And… forget about the hyung who won’t ever come back.”
“…”
Hyung.
He used to live in the same apartment complex I did when I was young.
He was probably three or four years older than me.
At the time, I was in my first year of middle school, and he wore the uniform of a nearby high school.
He looked just like Raizen…
No, not exactly.
Actually, he was even more handsome.
But just like Raizen, he had a faint scar under his right eye, like a tiny mark left behind.
Honestly, I don’t remember much.
The only thing vivid in my memory is hyung’s face and the moments I shared with him.
Even then, everything else around him is blurred, like a hazy backdrop.
At one point, I even knew his name, age, and which unit he lived in… but now, I can’t recall.
I met him in a secluded spot at the apartment playground—my usual hiding place whenever I was in a bad mood.
Strangely, adults who smoked never came there, so it was a perfect escape for me.
“Huh… Someone’s here.”
Though no one ever came to that place, hyung showed up.
I tried to run, hating the thought of encountering a stranger, but he caught me.
I was so sure I was about to be bullied that I shouted, “I don’t have any money!”
But it was hyung who seemed more flustered.
“Ah… No, that’s not it. Sorry for disturbing your alone time.”
It was the first time anyone had apologized to me, and for a moment, I froze.
Sensing an opportunity, hyung awkwardly continued.
“If it’s okay… can I stay here with you? Honestly, I had a scary dream last night, and I’ve been in a bad mood all day.”
His gentle tone, something I’d never heard before, scared me, so I ran away.
But the next day, when I returned to the spot, hyung was there again.
“Hi.”
From that day on, hyung and I met there whenever we could.
Since I didn’t have a phone, we’d leave notes for each other—one of us would jot down when we could meet, and the other would reply to arrange a time.
Hyung taught me so much.
He became my “first” for everything.
He was the first to listen to my story from beginning to end.
He never interrupted or offered his opinion; he just quietly listened.
Then, when I was crying before I even realized it, he would gently stroke my head and say, “You’ve been through so much.”
He was the first person to comfort me and the one who taught me what comfort even meant.
He showed me how many delicious snacks and ice creams there were in the world, that it was okay to say you’re struggling, that it was okay to cry.
The taste of tteokbokki from a snack shop after school, the fun of lying down and reading comics at a manga café, the cozy atmosphere of a café on rainy days…
He taught me all the joys and happiness the world had to offer.
But just as suddenly as he appeared, hyung vanished.
The notes I left in our secret spot remained unanswered until rain came and washed them away.
Once, unable to hold back any longer, I went to hyung’s apartment.
I rang the doorbell and knocked, but no one answered.
A neighbor who’d come out, annoyed by the noise, told me, “That family moved out a while ago.”
Sometimes, I wonder.
Did time naturally make me forget about hyung, or did I try hard to forget him?
Is that why I only remember his face now and not the other details of his life?
It was much later that I realized—this feeling was called love.
Hyung was my first love.
Even now, I feel bitter that I’m the only one who remembers and longs for him.
I’ve wanted to forget him hundreds, no, thousands of times, but as soon as I try, I miss him all over again.
“But why does he have to look just like Raizen…”
Forget it.
Hyung isn’t here anymore.
“He’s never coming back to me.”
I’ve grown too much to cling to my childhood first love.
“Pull yourself together.”
Shaking my head, I looked back at the plain notebook.
[Gift for hyung.]
[Books, fountain pen…]
[What would hyung like? What does he need?]
[Should I ask directly?]
[I just want him to like whatever I give him.]
It was my sincere, honest wish.
At the very least, I didn’t want him to feel bad about receiving my gift.
If he thought, “Well, at least he put in the effort,” that would be even better.
[Should I ask the duchess about it?]
As his mother, she’d probably know his tastes best.
Lost in thought, I ended up filling the notebook not with drawings or letters, but meaningless doodles.
“Ugh, I give up~.”
* * *
