* * *
That was when—
“Isa, have you finished sorting out your thoughts?”
Kaindel had returned, as if giving me space until I was ready.
He leaned against the slightly open door, a faint smile playing on his lips.
Then, noticing the letters in my hand, his expression stiffened.
“…Why are you looking at those again?”
“My mind was too noisy. And… no, I haven’t finished thinking yet.”
“Hmm.”
“What about you?”
I studied Kaindel carefully, watching as he lowered his gaze as if to hide his emotions.
Maybe it was because I had spent years by his side, but I could tell.
He wanted to reach for me.
His fingers twitched ever so slightly, betraying the hesitation he would have never shown in the past.
“…What do you want to do?”
“…I’m not sure what you mean.”
“You know I didn’t understand your circumstances before. But even so, I already told you—I broke things off with you.”
“I know.”
“I may not resent you as much anymore, but that doesn’t change the fact that I was disappointed in you. And I don’t regret ending things between us.”
“Isa.”
“That’s my stance. But what about you?”
I scattered the unfinished letters onto the table and met his gaze.
Thinking back on everything, what had been missing between us was simple—communication.
Would talking things out fix everything?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
But if we didn’t understand each other’s intentions, we would just keep running in circles.
So I wanted to hear it from him directly.
What was Kaindel really after?
At my question, Kaindel opened his mouth slightly but remained silent for a long while before furrowing his brows.
His lips, which had once curved smoothly, slowly twisted out of shape.
Seeing how clearly his expression changed, it seemed he had exhausted whatever composure he had left.
“I…”
“Hm?”
“I didn’t want it to end like this. I know it’s a selfish desire, but I hoped that if you listened to me, you might feel at least a little sympathy for me.”
“So, what you’re saying is…”
“Give me a chance.”
At that moment, Kaindel finally let out all the emotions he had been locking away.
Like a balloon bursting from the prick of a needle, the carefully packaged words spilled out in their rawest form.
It felt as if an invisible grain of sand had somehow found its way beneath my feet.
“I know I disappointed you. I know I was indifferent. I understand that what’s done can’t be undone, and that time lost will never return. But… but.”
Kaindel, after what must have been countless internal debates, spoke without pausing to take a breath, as if a floodgate had burst open.
He was being honest with his words, yet his expression carried the guilt of someone who felt they were speaking the unspeakable.
“Give me a chance to make up for my mistakes, Isa.”
His voice was a desperate murmur, like a man clutching at his last thread of hope.
The anxious fidgeting of his fingers finally came to a stop.
And I— I was caught off guard. I had never imagined that Kaindel, always so confident and composed, could ever look so afraid.
Even in my dreams, when he occasionally appeared, he always claimed that our breakup was my fault for not understanding him.
But now, the Kaindel standing before me was the complete opposite of the one I had envisioned.
“It doesn’t have to be as lovers. It can be any other kind of relationship. Just… let me stay by your side. Please. I…”
I had expected that, even if Kaindel apologized for the past, he would eventually ask me to return to the way things were—to being lovers again.
After all, the Kaindel I knew, admired by everyone, had always acted as if my presence by his side was a given.
It never even seemed to cross his mind that I could leave.
That’s why, when I heard the rumors that he had lost his mind, I thought they meant he wasn’t suffering from missing me, but that he had gone mad from disbelief—because he couldn’t accept his first true failure.
But seeing him now… he didn’t seem insane.
I shook off my wandering thoughts with a slight nod and bit down on the inside of my cheek.
To sum it up—this Kaindel completely shattered my expectations.
Even when I had listened to his confession under a false identity, I had never seen him like this.
And now, of all things, he was asking only to stay by my side.
As if all the power to decide lay solely in my hands.
It was an unfamiliar, unsettling dynamic. In our relationship, the one who always held the power had been Kaindel.
When two people are in love, the one who loves more is inevitably the weaker one.
That was an unchanging truth.
Perhaps that’s why, when I was with Kaindel, I had rarely voiced my opinions about our relationship.
Almost never.
But now, standing in this position of power, something felt off.
I had once believed that if I could be the one in control, I would no longer suffer from that restless anxiety.
Yet now that I actually held the choice in my hands, I realized how wrong I had been.
At the same time, something Kaindel had written in his letters resurfaced in my mind—his plan to interfere with the princess’s schemes.
It was something the Kaindel I once knew would never have done.
He was the type to destroy others, but never himself.
If anything, he would have chosen physical force or cleverly manipulated high society’s attention to his advantage.
Not something this reckless, this desperate.
If it were before, I wouldn’t have even considered the possibility of my theory being correct.
But the Kaindel before me now… for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to doubt my own assumptions. Maybe it was an unfounded certainty.
He was exposing his own vulnerabilities, dragging himself into scandal, letting himself fall from grace.
If he became a subject of gossip, then Kerelona’s plan to legitimize him would crumble.
And even if the rebellion succeeded, the power he gained would be unstable.
In the worst-case scenario, the entire kingdom of Hadelber could be at risk.
It was an extreme decision.
And the reason he was doing all this—was me.
“Kaindel.”
…This isn’t right.
This can’t happen.
I looked at Kaindel, who was holding his breath, waiting for my answer.
He was offering me all the power in this moment, pleading just to stay by my side, even as a stranger.
“I…”
I still didn’t have an answer. I understood him, but I also resented him.
I felt sympathy, but I was still angry.
Conflicting emotions churned inside me.
“To be honest, I don’t know.”
“Hm.”
“I thought at least I had everything sorted out.”
I thought I was doing fine. I added that as an afterthought, gazing out the window.
The pitch-black night was eerily silent. It felt like the calm before a storm.
I should have realized the moment I heard Kaindel’s name at the temple.
As long as the memories of loving him remained, I would never truly be free from him.
Even now, just knowing his circumstances was enough to shake me.
“For now, just… give me some time to figure things out.”
“…I can give you all the time you need. Take as much as you want.”
“I’ve only heard your side of things. Maybe that’s why I feel this way. But if, after I’ve looked into the situation, I still find myself thinking about you like this…”
I almost couldn’t finish the sentence.
My breath felt short.
My voice scraped against my throat as it forced its way out.
Trying to put my emotions into words felt impossible. I felt stupid.
“…Let’s talk again then.”
“Isa.”
“We’ll talk then.”
I had been hurt by Kaindel and given up on him.
I had grown tired of an unchanging relationship and run away.
Now, even after learning the truth he had kept hidden, the emotions I had felt back then hadn’t disappeared.
If I followed my heart and let him back in, would we just end up repeating the same mistakes?
What scared me more than anything—was that I still hadn’t erased him from my heart.
“Kaindel, can I borrow a horse?”
“A horse? Why—”
Kaindel looked at me, puzzled, but I forced a faint smile.
Even after all this time, there were some things about him that hadn’t changed.
“I have somewhere I need to go.”
He was still like the tide.
Crashing in all at once, wrecking everything in his path—only to recede, leaving me in the ruins.
* * *
