* * *
“…”
I was at a loss for words.
I stared into Kaindel’s deep green eyes.
His gaze, always so honest, now seemed on the verge of shattering.
I had tried to understand whatever Kaindel had to say.
No matter how incomprehensible his words might be, I wanted to accept them.
That didn’t mean forgiving him was part of the deal.
But I never expected this.
“…Why?”
“Hm?”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
After the initial shock faded, all that remained was emptiness.
If I had known about Kaindel’s circumstances earlier, would I have still left him?
I couldn’t say for sure.
The wounds I suffered while we were together didn’t just disappear.
The loneliness, the exhaustion—I couldn’t simply erase them.
“I never thought to tell you. It never occurred to me that I needed to explain myself.”
“I’m not omniscient, Kaindel. If you don’t tell me, how am I supposed to know?”
“…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Isa.”
But even so—
Would knowing the truth have brought me any comfort?
If I had known why Kaindel had acted the way he did—if I had realized that none of it had been my fault—
Would that have made it easier to bear?
I didn’t have an answer.
“For now…”
For now—
The words caught in my throat.
I thought I had made up my mind.
But now, just from learning about Kaindel’s past, my thoughts were in complete disarray.
I had believed that one final conversation with him would be enough to end everything.
How foolish.
I never imagined it would pull me back in instead.
“I need time to think.”
“…Isa.”
“Just because I understand you now doesn’t mean I have to forgive you.”
To blame someone, you need ignorance.
And that ignorance comes from not knowing them.
I had been able to resent Kaindel because I had been blind to his struggles.
But now that I knew—
My heart wavered.
I wanted to pity him.
I had told myself I was done with him.
That I would never let him shake me again.
But my instincts whispered otherwise.
“…I see.”
As if he had already anticipated my answer, Kaindel accepted it without resistance.
He looked ready to accept whatever decision I made.
“Do as you wish, Isa.”
A faint, sorrowful smile graced his lips.
He was trying to put on a brave front—because he knew all too well that showing weakness would only make things harder for me.
“I suppose that means even being in the same room is uncomfortable for you.”
“…Yeah.”
“I’ll leave, then.”
“No, this is your lodging, so I should be the one to leave.”
“Just let me go.”
Before Kaindel could get up, I hurriedly shook my head.
But he furrowed his brows as if he had no intention of backing down.
Then, as if reclaiming his usual smirk, he wrinkled his nose and cast a fleeting glance at the now-dark window.
“If you leave, I don’t think I’ll be able to bear the anxiety. Please, just let me have this.”
“…Alright.”
His earnest plea made it difficult to outright refuse.
In the end, I gave a small nod and watched as Kaindel hurried out of the room.
Strangely, his retreating figure looked smaller than I remembered.
The back I had always seen before had been towering, imposing, unwavering.
Yet tonight, it seemed almost fragile.
“…Haah.”
Once the door had fully closed behind him, I let out a deep sigh that had been stuck in my throat.
A sigh carrying the weight of my unsettled thoughts.
I had thought the rain had washed them away, but every lingering emotion found its way back.
“…What do I do now?”
There was comfort in not knowing.
Even if I had wanted to learn the truth, not like this. Not this kind of truth.
Regret came crashing down on me, far too late.
Even if I could understand Kaindel’s circumstances, that didn’t mean I had to pity him. Let alone forgive him.
But somewhere deep inside me, I found a part of myself that wanted to.
Maybe it was because I had never learned how to deal with moments like this.
It felt like I was trapped in a maze with no exit in sight.
I wished someone would just hand me the answer.
“I don’t know.”
Unable to find a conclusion, I closed my eyes.
It felt as if something inescapable, like a creeping shadow, was tightening its grip around me, drawing closer.
I wanted to run.
Anywhere but here.
Kaindel, true to his word, didn’t return even as midnight approached.
Perhaps he was giving me space to think.
Because of that, I found myself revisiting the letters I had left unfinished earlier, using “organizing my thoughts” as an excuse.
[Did you always feel this way?]
[You promised not to abandon me.]
Kaindel’s fragmented truths hit me differently now.
Even before hearing his side of the story, I had caught glimpses of his sincerity.
Now, those fragments felt clearer than ever.
Neither resentment nor sorrow overshadowed the other.
But their presence was undeniable.
Come to think of it, this wasn’t the first time Kaindel had made choices on my behalf, believing it was for my own good.
Just before I left Luther, when I handed a piece of bread to Ruen, he had snatched it away, keeping us apart.
At the time, it had irritated me.
Looking back, maybe he hadn’t wanted me to be the first to reach out to Ruen before receiving an apology myself.
Even so, it had been a decision he made on his own.
And it had hurt me.
Did understanding his reasons mean I had to forgive him?
If someone’s actions stemmed from good intentions, did that justify the consequences, no matter how painful?
A dilemma without an answer.
To be honest, I had always been swayed by others’ opinions.
I broke up with Kaindel after reading the newspapers.
I ran away after hearing Sehir’s warning.
Even here in the temple, every choice I made had been influenced by those around me.
The same was true back in Luther.
I had simply followed Elise’s instructions, delivering customers’ orders to her like an intermediary.
After living my whole life reacting to others, making decisions for myself felt impossible.
And this… this was about someone I once loved.
…Was this why the Pope had told me to go to Gazette?
I chewed the inside of my cheek, recalling his words.
Maybe the Pope had known how lost I would feel after learning everything.
Maybe that was why he had suggested I go to Gazette.
“…Gazette. Gazette.”
Kaindel had mentioned working with Alexander from Gazette, hadn’t he?
The moment I remembered that, my hand brushed against something in my pocket.
It was the note Kerelona had given me, calling it the missing piece of their plan.
She had told me to take it to Gazette.
“…Wait.”
The moment my fingers traced the edges of the note, it felt like a fog had lifted from my mind.
Like a hidden passage had opened in an otherwise dead-end maze.
The note detailed the existence of an additional, hidden companion of the Hero—one the nobility had deliberately concealed.
It was a revelation meant to turn the commoners against the aristocrats who had kept it secret.
Regardless of the real truth, how a story was framed dictated its impact.
But if Kaindel truly planned to betray Kerelona, as he had implied, then he wouldn’t just release the information as she wanted.
He would include something that could shake her legitimacy.
Something that would make the commoners see her as just another noble.
Like… the patronage party.
The moment the thought clicked into place, a shiver ran down my spine.
If I was right, then Kaindel’s plan would only be complete once he revealed his own sins to the world.
* * *
