* * *

“Let me go for now.”

Isa, who had poured out his heartfelt confession and asked to be let go in that moment, didn’t come near Kaindel for days afterward.

It seemed he was trying to put distance between them, as if proving his earlier words about being misled by Kaindel’s presence.

He started going off with Daniel at dawn, claiming he was training, or learning horseback riding from Sehir, activities he’d never shown interest in before.

And that—Kaindel found infuriating.

Trying to quell his confusion by staying away from Isa only tested his patience.

In the end, it snapped.

Waiting for Isa to return to his usual self had failed.

He still didn’t know what was wrong, but unless Isa was by his side, the irritation bubbling within him felt unbearable.

“Essi, can we talk for a moment?”

“Sure.”

As soon as they arrived at Behamdon Plateau, Kaindel wasted no time calling out to Isa.

He noticed Isa, who had been heading toward Daniel, awkwardly turn his body.

At the same time, Daniel’s dark eyes scrutinized the situation, as if checking on Isa’s safety, like Kaindel was someone who might harm him.

Daniel again.

How annoying.

Kaindel had already been bothered by Daniel recently.

He pressed his tongue against the inside of his cheek to hold back the scowl that threatened to form.

He didn’t want to openly reveal his irritation.

After smoothing out his expression, he met Daniel’s gaze with a deliberate smile.

It wasn’t difficult to regain his composure as long as Isa was by his side.

Taking Isa to a spot away from the others’ prying eyes, Kaindel stopped near a rock slightly shorter than himself.

This would ensure no one else could see them.

After glancing around the unfamiliar space for a while, Isa finally spoke.

“So, what is it you want to say?”

Kaindel took a moment to gather his thoughts.

There were so many things he wanted to ask Isa—why he kept hanging around Daniel, whether he no longer wanted to be with him, what he meant by liking someone, and what emotion it was if he didn’t feel love but still craved physical closeness.

A flood of questions rushed to the tip of his tongue, but they all sounded strange in his head, like he was someone desperate and fixated on Isa.

“I just wanted to ask you something.”

“…”

“You’re on my mind, but I don’t understand…”

Kaindel trailed off, carefully considering his next words.

Perhaps it was because he was drenched in a tidal wave of emotions, but Isa’s gaze made him hesitate.

“I don’t understand what that has to do with us becoming lovers. We’ve managed just fine without being lovers so far, haven’t we?”

Though it wasn’t meant to sound like an accusation, the words came out that way.

His impatience leaked into his tone, making it impossible to hide.

Even Isa, with his innocence, must have picked up on it.

Kaindel clenched his fists.

He’d never struggled this much to control his feelings before, and it left him bewildered.

Sure enough, Isa let out a sigh, as if something had dawned on him.

“Kaindel.”

“…”

“Do I really matter to you?”

“…Yes.”

Isa’s pointed question carried unwavering certainty.

And Kaindel, unable to deny the truth any longer, found himself nodding slowly, albeit reluctantly.

If he were to examine his emotions honestly, Isa did matter to him.

From the moment they left Luther to their journey to Behamdon Plateau, Isa had been on his mind every single day.

It wasn’t something fleeting or trivial.

What had started as mere curiosity had transformed into a relentless, agonizing fever.

“Why?”

“Does the reason matter?”

“Yes, it does to me.”

Isa stared at him, unyielding, as if he wouldn’t back down this time.

When Kaindel instinctively reached out, Isa pushed his hand away and let out a small, bitter laugh.

A self-deprecating sound escaped his slightly parted lips.

“Until you can answer me, don’t touch me so carelessly.”

“…”

“You know I told you I get the wrong idea when you do that.”

Wrong idea.

Kaindel furrowed his brows as a headache throbbed in his temples.

He felt utterly lost, as though he’d wandered far from the path he’d always known.

Today, for the first time, he couldn’t see where he was going.

And from somewhere, a mocking voice seemed to echo in his ears.

‘Idiot. You’re such an idiot. That’s why you’re always abandoned.’

Up until now, Kaindel had always been able to discern what others wanted from him with ease.

People’s desires and true intentions were clearer to him than crystal glass.

That was why he kissed those who sought a kiss, gave money to those who desired wealth, and offered honor to those who craved prestige.

It was how he had managed to survive the sponsorship parties.

But Isa was different.

“Lover.”

The words Isa had casually mentioned surfaced in Kaindel’s mind, but he pushed them aside.

Being romantically involved and simply indulging in relationships were two entirely different matters.

Even in the capital, there were men who had fleeting affairs with the same sex.

To others, those relationships appeared no more than one-night flings.

Either way, Kaindel had already concluded that just because he felt possessive toward Isa didn’t mean they had to become Lovers.

There was nothing more foolish than love.

Wasn’t it enough for them to satisfy each other’s desires as they were?

“What do you want?” he asked.

“What do I want?” Isa echoed.

“What exactly am I supposed to do?”

Even after long consideration, Kaindel couldn’t find an answer.

There was no way for him to figure out what Isa wanted from him.

Ever since Isa had confessed to him, their relationship had been out of sync, and Kaindel couldn’t think of any way to mend it.

If only he knew something—anything—it would have been better.

He felt trapped, as if nailed to the ground.

A sudden wave of anxiety engulfed him.

If he left things as they were, he feared he’d lose his grip on everything he held dear.

Just when he thought he’d found the answer, he didn’t realize it would lead to the worst possible outcome.

The wave that had collapsed my sandcastle receded further and further away.

Further.

Further…

“I’ve already told you.”

“Lover. Yes, that damned Lover.”

“Why…”

Isa looked up, his green eyes flickering with a dangerous intensity, as if searching for a fragment of emotion hidden within his.

He let the silence stretch, and then smiled—a bright and disarming smile that somehow felt out of place.

“Why are you so restless? You’re the one with the power to choose, Kaindel.”

‘I hold the power to choose?’

“Me?”

Kaindel repeated Isa’s words, a hollow laugh escaping him.

Even that laugh was tinged with bitterness.

Nonsense.

The one who truly held the power in this relationship was Isa.

Not me.

‘Isa was always in a position to shake me to my core and then let go. I was the one desperately holding on, terrified of being abandoned by him.’

“Me, huh.”

As he murmured, he suddenly felt the urge to cry.

His eyes stung, and a lump formed in his throat.

He couldn’t even recall the last time he cried, but now, he just wanted to let it all out.

It was as if a broken faucet had been installed in him.

“Haha.”

‘Would breaking down pitifully here make Isa feel sorry for me? Like when I injured my hand with a goblin’s axe—would he look at me then?’

Kaindel brushed his hand across his mouth, hiding his trembling lips.

“What about Daniel? What’s your relationship with him?”

“We’re friends.”

“Then what about us?”

Where had it all gone wrong?

‘I thought everything was finally falling into place, so why, when I opened my eyes, did it feel like everything I had painstakingly held onto was on the verge of breaking?’

The question he had asked himself before echoed in his mind.

“Hmm?”

“What are we? Are we nothing?”

“We’re… well… we’re friends too, I suppose.”

“Friends… friends.”

Kaindel mulled over Isa’s definition of their relationship.

Friends.

Why did such a simple word feel so dissatisfying?

* * *