* * *
It was only after I hesitated and replied that Kim Chanyi’s face showed surprise.
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Ah…”
Kim Chanyi let out a deep breath and rested his forehead on my shoulder.
I didn’t push him away.
The sky was gradually getting brighter.
“Kim Chanyi, were you trying to die back then?”
“Yeah.”
I felt Kim Chanyi’s damp breath on my shoulder.
“I thought I’d jump off the roof once everything was over.”
“Why…”
“Just… that’s how I felt.”
Kim Chanyi lifted his head and looked me in the eyes again.
“But then Kim Hyunoh, you suddenly appeared out of nowhere. You saved me, like a hero.”
“It, it wasn’t a big deal. I just acted without much thought…”
“No, it meant more because you came to save me for no reason. I still remember what you said back then.”
“What did I say?”
“Anyway, you have to live.”
“……”
“Could I have lived like this if it weren’t for you?”
My face grew hot. It was hard to keep my neck stiff and hold my head up.
But because I wanted to look into Kim Chanyi’s eyes a little longer, I forced myself to lift my head.
Those pure eyes that seemed incapable of lying. I couldn’t believe I was someone that great.
I wanted to believe that my existence mattered, that there were people who gained from my life, like Kim Chanyi.
“And that’s why I came to like you.”
I don’t think there’s a heavier or more genuine confession than this.
Hearing it, I felt my breath catch.
My heart was racing too fast. In the end, I bowed my head deeply.
“Kim Hyunoh.”
Above my head, I heard Kim Chanyi’s worried voice.
I couldn’t say a word. It was hard enough just to identify the storm of emotions inside me.
I want to let go of everything I’ve built up over the past five years and hold onto you.
I want to be happy.
Maybe I deserve to be happy, too. I start to hope.
What if we’re not just anyone but become something special?
I can hold onto you. I can keep the value of my living existence by my side forever.
I wanted to love Kim Chanyi.
“What’s wrong, Kim Hyunoh.”
Kim Chanyi tapped the back of my hand with his finger.
I couldn’t answer. I felt his anxious gaze.
Finally, Kim Chanyi grabbed my cheeks, making me look at him.
His face was filled with panic.
“Kim Hyunoh, why are you about to cry?”
“…Am I?”
“Yeah.”
I stared blankly at Kim Chanyi. Without knowing what I was saying, my mouth moved.
“I don’t know, I really don’t.”
“Kim Hyunoh.”
“…I think I’m scared.”
“Why? Of what?”
“I think I’m about to like you.”
No, maybe I already do.
I finally said it.
A brief silence fell between us.
Kim Chanyi’s lips started trembling.
His eyes were suddenly brimming with tears.
Even such a weak, non-confession made him cry.
It made my chest ache with both guilt and gratitude.
Could these feelings be anything but love?
“Even if you’re scared, can’t we try?”
Kim Chanyi pleaded.
“Kim Hyunoh…”
“……”
“You said you hate it when I call like I can’t live without you. I’m sorry. But can’t you save me just one more time?”
Kim Chanyi quickly continued, despite gasping.
“I want to love. I feel like I won’t be able to live if I don’t. I didn’t want to be greedy, but it’s come to this. I’m sorry.”
A tear finally fell from Kim Chanyi’s cheek. Impulsively, I reached out and wiped it away.
In truth, it’s Kim Chanyi who is the savior, not me.
We all know this.
But words are so crafty.
When Kim Chanyi says it like that, it really feels like it.
Like I’m some great hero.
I felt like I had to love him to save him.
It’s a spell Kim Chanyi casts to ease my burden.
Even knowing this, I wanted to be deceived by it.
We sat there for a long time, holding each other’s hands without saying a word.
I felt the odd looks from people walking by.
But it didn’t matter.
What mattered now wasn’t the eyes of others.
I instinctively felt that I was standing at the second turning point of my life.
The first was when I ran away from the van five years ago.
Now I had to choose. In a voice choked with emotion, I said,
“Should we?”
“…Huh?”
“Even if we’re scared…”
I was so tense that my throat tightened.
“Let’s try.”
Kim Chanyi’s face turned as red as it could.
I spoke with absolute sincerity, without a trace of deceit.
“…I want to go back home.”
Kim Chanyi nodded and cupped my cheek, rubbing it. Was I crying too? My skin felt damp.
***
As soon as I left my aunt’s house, my strength drained away.
When I got in the elevator, I almost collapsed.
I looked at myself in the mirror beside me and took a deep breath.
It’s okay. I did well.
I overcame a bad habit.
I spoke without avoiding it.
I thought about just going home, but I felt I had to tell my aunt.
Over breakfast, I started the conversation.
I can’t live here. I’m satisfied with my life now.
Maybe I’m even happy.
I hoped she would be too.
I wiped the corners of my eyes with the back of my hand.
It felt like I had crossed a big mountain.
Suddenly, fatigue washed over me.
The elevator reached the first floor.
I almost ran to the apartment entrance.
Kim Chanyi was waiting for me.
When I saw his pale face standing there, my nose stung.
Kim Chanyi waved at me with a bright smile.
We would go home together.
From now on, I would live a different life than yesterday.
Will I regret this decision someday?
Maybe another unforeseen misfortune will come.
But even if everything changes, even if it all falls apart, it seems okay as long as you, who love me, don’t change.
Anyway, I will live. Somehow, with love.
* * *
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