* * *
Around five in the morning, I quietly left my aunt’s front door.
It was still dark outside, and the wind was quite chilly.
I tightened my cardigan and walked through the apartment complex.
The closer I got to the entrance, the faster my heart beat.
My eyes were eagerly searching for neatly combed black hair.
Then, I heard a familiar voice from across the crosswalk.
“Kim Hyunoh!”
Kim Chanyi waved at me.
I hesitated for a moment before slightly nodding.
As soon as the light turned green, he ran over to me.
His hair was anything but neat; there was a bird’s nest at the back of his head.
He sheepishly scratched the back of his head.
“I came straight out of bed.”
I just nodded again.
After calling Chanyi all the way here, I didn’t know what to say now that we were face-to-face.
He looked at me quietly.
Clearing my throat a few times, I finally spoke.
“Can we talk? Somewhere nearby.”
“Sure. I saw a park on my way here by taxi.”
“Then let’s go there.”
I followed Chanyi in silence.
Before sunrise, the park was almost deserted.
We sat side by side on a bench in a corner.
It was cold, but bearable.
I looked down at my feet.
I could feel Chanyi’s gaze beside me.
I thought about what I needed to say to him.
It was difficult.
Suddenly, I wanted to run away as if nothing had happened.
Chanyi grabbed my hand without saying a word.
Amazingly, my tension eased quickly, and I was able to speak.
“Chanyi.”
“Yeah.”
“I think I feel comfortable around you.”
He rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb.
“Thanks for that.”
“How is that possible?”
Even I couldn’t save myself.
How could a complete stranger like you, who knew nothing about my past, manage to do it?
Were all my countless resolutions useless?
“Do I… like you?”
Chanyi’s grip tightened around my hand.
“Do you think so?”
His voice was calm as usual, but his body was tense.
His skin, touching the back of my hand, quickly became damp.
“I’m not sure.”
“Why did you suddenly think that? I told you not to feel pressured.”
“Just…”
I swallowed once and continued.
“I wanted to see you.”
These words were insufficient to express the enormous and complex emotions I had felt all night.
That was my limit.
I was still cautious.
Falling in love just because it felt comfortable being together seemed too selfish.
Was it really love?
Could I even allow myself to love?
But putting all that aside, it was certain that I needed Chanyi, his love, to survive.
It was beyond a matter of happiness.
The strength to continue my weary life was in his eyes.
Since meeting him, other choices had faded away.
I didn’t want to form relationships with anyone.
I thought love was beyond my reach.
Yet, greed kept creeping in.
Being with Chanyi felt like having an invisible shield around me.
Nothing could hurt or bother me.
For the first time in a long while, I breathed like an ordinary person.
“Kim Hyunoh.”
Chanyi cupped my left cheek with his empty hand, gently turning my chin towards him.
Our eyes met. His eyes were red, as if he might cry any moment.
He had said it was okay if I didn’t love him.
But now he looked desperate. His fingertips, touching my cheek, were trembling.
Despite his words, had he, too, become increasingly greedy for love, just like me?
“Chanyi, if I like you, what will happen to us?”
He answered calmly, with a face that seemed about to cry.
“Nothing will change. We’ll just continue being together like this.”
Did I ever tell Chanyi that what I feared most was change?
I don’t think so.
In reality, many things would change.
Yet, he gave an answer that reassured me.
It was amazing.
Even though I knew it was an illusion to expect to be fully understood by someone else, I felt like it might be possible with Chanyi.
Maybe it was okay to show my most vulnerable side to him.
I brought up a topic that had been forbidden between us.
“When we were in high school…”
“Yeah.”
“What was I like?”
“Can I tell you?”
Chanyi carefully confirmed again. I nodded.
“Tell me what you remember about me.”
Chanyi held both my hands.
People started appearing in the park for their morning jogs.
But I didn’t feel the need to pull my hands away from Chanyi.
My focus was entirely on his lips, wondering what he would say.
“Kim Hyunoh, you sat next to me because our attendance numbers were close.”
“Did we?”
“Yeah. So, we became partners at the start of the semester.”
“Oh, I remember.”
“And you often forgot your textbooks.”
“I wasn’t really into studying.”
“We shared mine.”
“That must have been inconvenient.”
Chanyi laughed softly.
“No, I liked it.”
“…”
“I liked being close to you.”
His voice was gentle.
The space between our interlocked fingers was warm.
It felt strange to hear about myself from someone else.
Like listening to an old fairy tale.
“And you read a lot of books.”
“You knew? Is that why you brought me a book last time?”
“Yeah, I saw you read one.”
“Just couldn’t sleep at night…”
“You did well. Oh, and you also wrote.”
“Did I?”
“Yeah, you told me about it.”
I squinted slightly, trying to dig through my foggy memories.
Did I write?
I think I liked making up stories at some point.
Chanyi held onto the past I had let go of.
It was fascinating and embarrassing.
“I had forgotten.”
“That’s understandable.”
“What else do you remember?”
A man with a dog passed by noisily in front of us.
When his footsteps faded, Chanyi spoke, almost in a whisper, as if sharing a secret.
“There was a time I wanted to die. But I lived because of you.”
“……”
“Don’t remember, do you?”
I wiggled my fingers and lifted my head. Kim Chanyi’s large eyes were fixed on me.
Even though it must have been a difficult memory, Kim Chanyi’s gaze didn’t waver at all.
“…I might remember.”
* * *
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