* * *
He wouldn’t have let me fall into self-loathing and give up on my life.
I should have been more proactive.
I didn’t recognize Kim Chanyi’s worth, even though he was right beside me.
My curiosity was too shallow.
Back then, Kim Chanyi rarely smiled.
He never looked me straight in the eyes.
I didn’t realize the warmth hidden behind the barrier he had put up.
I should have looked closer.
As buried memories resurfaced, my heart grew complicated.
I felt pity for the five years that had passed without Kim Chanyi.
Fragments of various memories whirled in my mind.
Finally, a scene began to slowly emerge.
As the image grew clearer, I found it hard to breathe.
I covered my face completely with my hands. My eyes stung.
“Ah…”
How could I have forgotten that?
A green rooftop, red blood, dark bruises, and the pale face looking up at me.
Nineteen-year-old Kim Chanyi. I remembered that cold winter.
Overlaid on top was twenty-four-year-old Kim Chanyi saying, “I still owe you so much.”
I started to vaguely understand what kind of person I had been to Kim Chanyi and why he had been so devoted to me.
My skin burned.
Had I done something so significant that Kim Chanyi remembered it all this time?
I don’t clearly remember why I went to save Kim Chanyi.
It was a very hectic and busy day. I was playing soccer on the playground when my dad called.
He said I had to come home within fifteen minutes. We were moving immediately.
To Masan.
My dad didn’t explain anything.
When I asked why, he got angry.
I had to leave Seoul without taking anything I cherished from my room.
In that brief moment of chaos, I saw Kim Chanyi on the rooftop.
I saved him.
Even in Masan, I thought about it for a while.
I was worried about Kim Chanyi.
Was he seriously hurt?
Why was he undressed?
What had Park Jungsoo done to him?
I didn’t know exactly, but it was probably something vile.
Then I gradually forgot.
I didn’t have the luxury to worry about someone else.
I was too busy dealing with the pain piled up in front of me.
I deliberately ignored the past. Looking back even a little would have sent me into a freefall.
But now I realize that there were some wonderful memories buried in the past.
While I was killing my past self, Kim Chanyi was holding onto it tightly, cherishing it dearly.
I missed Kim Chanyi. Impulsively, I called him.
“Hello? Kim Hyunoh?”
“Kim Chanyi.”
Suddenly, my throat tightened.
“Yeah. Why did you call? Aren’t you at the shop?”
“No.”
“You didn’t go to the shop?”
Kim Chanyi’s voice instantly turned worried.
“I took a break because something came up. So I won’t be home tonight. I’ll come back tomorrow.”
“I see…”
“Don’t wait up for me. Just go to sleep.”
“Okay. Got it.”
The call ended. Kim Chanyi didn’t ask anything.
Even though his tone was filled with longing.
I gripped my phone tightly.
My fingertips seemed to tremble a bit.
Kim Chanyi never asked me first.
He would always wait for me to speak up.
The choice was always mine. I realize now how considerate that was.
Kim Chanyi knew everything but never pitied me.
Only when I was with him did I feel like a decent person, not an unlucky guy who lost his family in an accident.
Maybe that’s why I couldn’t leave his house.
It wasn’t because his cooking was delicious or the sex was amazing.
It was because I felt like a valuable person.
I didn’t have to find my worth in the tens of thousands of won I sent to Youngjin every month.
I didn’t have to struggle desperately to survive.
As long as Kim Chanyi was by my side.
As long as Kim Chanyi held my hand, kissed me, and smiled, life was worth living.
I vowed never to love Kim Chanyi.
He was too good for someone like me to hold onto.
But had I kept that vow?
I still don’t have the confidence to be happy, but I certainly don’t have the confidence to leave Kim Chanyi and go back to my old life.
I needed Kim Chanyi to survive.
If this isn’t love, what should I call it?
I couldn’t think of the right word.
I stared at my phone screen.
I had just hung up, but I wanted to hear Kim Chanyi’s voice again.
I wanted to see his gentle smile without a trace of shadow.
Kim Chanyi suddenly seemed amazing to me.
How could he remain so kind after what happened to him in high school?
The pain I went through killed me.
I forgot how to trust people, share affection, and speak kindly.
My admiration for Kim Chanyi soon turned into anger towards Park Jungsoo.
Now that I remembered, everything Park Jungsoo said earlier disgusted me.
I couldn’t hold back my anger and called Park Jungsoo again.
-What? Again?
“You bastard.”
My voice trembled with rage.
-What?
Park Jungsoo responded in confusion.
“If I see you, you’re dead.”
-Wh-why are you acting like this all of a sudden?
“You heartless bastard. Damn it. How could you do that to such a gentle kid…”
– What? Are you talking about Kim Chanyi? Are you saying he’s gentle?
His voice showed no sign of remorse, which made me even angrier.
“Do you still bully Kim Chanyi in college?”
– Hey, these days, it’s more like Kim Chanyi bullies me, if anything….
“Don’t mess with Kim Chanyi again.”
– Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. What are you talking about?
“If you lay a finger on Kim Chanyi again, I’ll make sure you regret it.”
– Damn it. You’re impossible to reason with.
Park Jungsoo said something more, but I hung up before I could hear it.
I wondered if Kim Chanyi was okay after meeting Park Jungsoo.
I remembered the day Kim Chanyi’s face looked a bit troubled.
That must have been it.
My heart started racing madly out of concern for Kim Chanyi.
I couldn’t trust Park Jungsoo’s words.
Despite what he said to me, he might still be bullying Kim Chanyi.
How can someone hurt such a gentle person?
* * *
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