* * *
I was suspicious of why Park Jungsoo was bringing up Hyunoh.
In high school, Park Jungsoo had harbored such jealousy towards Hyunoh that he even tried to harm him.
Of course, he ended up getting beaten up by Hyunoh.
But now it was different.
Hyunoh had become much thinner and weaker.
I’ve been racking my brain trying to find a diet to help him gain weight.
I couldn’t let any harm come to Hyunoh, neither physically nor mentally.
I wouldn’t let Park Jungsoo mess with Hyunoh’s mind.
“So what? What’s your point?”
“Why are you so angry? I was just surprised that you’re still in touch with Kim Hyunoh… Did you also go to that funeral back then? Were you two really that close?”
I paused.
Funeral? When, whose?
“I wouldn’t have approached you if I wasn’t so curious. Wow, I thought Kim Hyunoh was dead.”
Park Jungsoo was cautiously watching my reaction.
I felt like my head was spinning.
I grabbed Park Jungsoo’s elbow tightly.
“Ow, it hurts!”
“What do you mean?”
“Huh?”
“What do you mean by funeral? What do you mean Hyunoh is dead?”
“Didn’t you know? I thought you two were close.”
Park Jungsoo looked at me with bewildered eyes.
“Tell me quickly.”
“…When we were nineteen, his whole family died in an accident.”
I recalled something Hyunoh once said.
“You remember me too well. I hate it. I was forgetting everything, but being with you makes me remember the past.”
“I heard Kim Hyunoh was the only survivor. I don’t know the details of the accident. Anyway, when I went to the funeral, Kim Hyunoh wasn’t there. Some said he disappeared, some speculated he might have committed suicide… But apparently, that wasn’t the case.”
“When was this? How did you know?”
“When we were nineteen… I think it was not long after spring break. My dad had business dealings with Kim Hyunoh’s father’s company and was personally close to him. We got a funeral notification, so he took me along.”
I remembered the look in Hyunoh’s eyes, trying so hard to escape his past.
“Hey. Did you really have no idea?”
“……”
“Hey, Kim Chanyi. Where are you going? Hey!”
It was hard to stand properly.
I staggered but kept walking, heading towards our home, where the scent of Hyunoh lingered.
The plan I had meticulously laid out was long forgotten.
I wanted to see and touch Hyunoh.
I needed to confirm that he was still alive and safe by my side—his smooth skin, his beating heart, his warm body.
***
Around 2 AM. I sat blankly on the sofa, waiting for Hyunoh.
He would come home after finishing his day.
I tried to imagine his unknown life, what misfortunes had befallen him, but I had no way of knowing.
All I knew was that despite everything, he had endured and was still living.
My head hurt.
Maybe I shouldn’t have listened to Park Jungsoo.
It would be a lie to say I wasn’t curious about Hyunoh’s past.
Since the day we first met at the BBQ restaurant, I had been curious.
He had changed so much from before.
To me, he still looked cool, but I wasn’t so clueless that I couldn’t see the sensitivity and sadness in his face.
But I couldn’t bring myself to ask.
Unnecessary curiosity only hurts the other person.
I just stayed around him, hoping he would lean on me in difficult times.
I wanted to be useful to him.
I always stayed within reach, waiting for him.
I had no right to dig into Hyunoh’s secrets.
I would pretend not to know until he chose to tell me.
Today, I heard nothing from Park Jungsoo.
There must be a reason why Hyunoh has kept it hidden.
Even if Hyunoh confided his past to me, would I fully understand?
I could sympathize and comfort him, but understanding is different.
There’s no more dangerous illusion than thinking you completely understand someone else.
I wanted to love Hyunoh carefully.
No matter how much time passed, I didn’t think I would ever feel completely at ease with him.
I would always be tense around him, trying not to hurt his wounds, feeling challenged, respecting him, and loving him.
Because he was important.
I rubbed my face with my palms.
My throat was dry. I didn’t know how long I had been sitting on the sofa.
Then I heard footsteps right next to me.
Startled, I turned around and there was Hyunoh.
“…Hyunoh.”
“What are you doing? You didn’t even hear me come in.”
“Oh, I was just lost in thought for a moment.”
Originally, just hearing the elevator doors open made me think it was Hyunoh, and I would run to the front door.
Just now, I must have been completely out of my mind. Hyunoh sat down next to me.
“Is something wrong?”
I shook my head.
I reached out and gently cupped Hyunoh’s cheek.
Hyunoh didn’t pull away.
“Can I kiss you?”
“…You’re acting a bit strange today.”
I can feel the warmth of Hyunoh’s skin on my palm.
Anyway, one must live.
I wonder if Hyunoh has ever said to himself what he once told me.
After enduring countless pains that I am unaware of, Hyunoh is here now.
Just the fact that he exists is overwhelming and makes me want to cry.
Thank you for giving me the chance to love you again.
I’m glad you are living.
I slowly pressed my lips to Hyunoh’s.
Hyunoh seems to find my behavior strange and can’t seem to focus on the kiss.
He looks at me intently without closing his eyes.
I meet his gaze. I lick and rub his lips with my tongue.
How deeply are Hyunoh’s wounds buried within him?
I will never truly know. I can only guess about Hyunoh.
It doesn’t feel unfair. Hyunoh is the same.
He knows I love him, but he doesn’t know the extent of my determination to love him, or how I will continue to love him.
The love Hyunoh imagines I have for him is surely shallower than it actually is.
We can only guess each other.
Still, I want to explore the depths of his soul.
I want to minimize the hazy parts of my guesses.
Even if they are endlessly twisted and dark, it’s okay.
I will love those parts too. If, of course, I am given the chance.
* * *
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Nice