* * *
Now that I think about it, he was never really good at fighting.
He never had an intimidating presence.
It wasn’t Park Jungsoo that scared me; it was the memories.
I was afraid of reverting back to the powerless person who had been victimized by someone like him.
Afraid of being unable to even talk properly to Hyunoh, and therefore having to part with him in vain.
To me, the past was a source of regret.
Each time I revisited it, it felt like being gouged open.
I tried hard to change, both inside and out.
But it wasn’t that I had forgotten the past.
I clung to it tenaciously, even while suffering.
I kept all my high school stuff in a box because I couldn’t let go of anything.
I hadn’t resolved anything.
My feelings for Hyunoh, my hatred for Park Jungsoo.
Anyway, I had to live.
So I did, somehow.
But even as time passed, there are things you don’t forget, things you shouldn’t forget.
I still hold on to the edge of my nineteen-year-old past, standing on the boundary with the present.
Park Jungsoo looked at me with a mocking expression. I replied calmly.
“Yeah.”
“What?”
“I’m still pissed about what happened back then. I wanted to kill you. I didn’t expect to see you again like this.”
Why is Park Jungsoo laughing at me?
Is it funny that I haven’t forgotten the wounds of that day?
Did he think I’d be ashamed of it?
Does he feel proud and satisfied that his violence succeeded in crushing me?
Maybe he boasts about it to his friends while drinking, talking about that kid named Kim Chanyi from when he was nineteen…
I don’t understand. I don’t want to understand.
“Kim Chanyi. Why are you like this after all these years? It’s pathetic. What are you gonna do now? Report me? You should have done it back then.”
My anger flared up. Damn it.
I grabbed the back of Park Jungsoo’s neck and dragged him, just like he did to me in high school.
The option of forgiving the perpetrator vanished completely.
As I expected, Park Jungsoo hasn’t changed at all.
He won’t acknowledge his wrongdoing.
In high school, I was too scared to show my humiliation, so I kept it to myself.
But that was then. I had to live somehow. Not anymore.
Park Jungsoo coughed violently.
I took him to a less crowded place behind the engineering building and let him go.
He stood up, his face flushed, and shouted, staggering.
“Are you crazy?”
“Are you? Can’t you grasp the situation?”
“What?”
“What are you thinking, confronting me?”
“Why? Are you going to hit me? Wow, you’ve really changed.”
“Do you think I can’t?”
When I took a step forward, Park Jungsoo flinched.
He swallowed hard, his throat bobbing noticeably.
He has a knack for recognizing people stronger than him.
He spoke in a trembling voice.
“Fine. Hit me, hit me. Let’s go to the police. I’ll never settle.”
“You sure? Then I can hit you until my anger is gone. You might end up taking a leave of absence.”
Park Jungsoo clamped his mouth shut, breathing heavily.
“Oh, those juniors we sat with in class earlier. You said you’d tell them about high school. I’ll pass on the news of your leave of absence, too. Tell them you got beaten up by me since you have no one to hide behind anymore. Let me know if there’s anything to add.”
“This bastard, really.”
Park Jungsoo trembled but took a step back.
The most important thing to guys like him is their swagger.
Even if they’re empty inside, as long as they look impressive, it’s fine.
He hasn’t changed even after coming to university.
In a way, it’s pitiful.
“Decide quickly. Are you going to report me to the police and take a leave of absence after getting beaten up, or will you just pretend not to know me from now on? I’m busy.”
I already know what he’ll choose.
With his personality, he won’t be able to endure the shame.
Even if I hit him a bit here, he won’t report it.
He’s trying to show off a tough image after returning from a break, so he won’t want to ruin that himself.
Park Jungsoo muttered curses as he slowly backed away.
He chose the latter option I gave him.
Watching him, I instinctively kicked out.
“Ouch.”
I felt it was a bit of a shame to let him go just like that.
My foot landed squarely in his stomach.
He staggered and fell, looking up at me with watery eyes.
“I was quietly leaving! Why did you hit me?”
“Because I wanted to.”
“Damn it…”
Park Jungsoo got up, brushing the dust off his clothes, tears welling up in his eyes.
“Go on. And remember, every time you pretend to know me, you’ll get hit.”
“Crazy bastard…”
“Don’t like it?”
He suddenly fell silent, glaring at me with a face full of resentment.
His pride was severely wounded. Looking at his sneering eyes made me feel sick.
My instincts screamed: grab his neck and grind his face into the asphalt.
Wasn’t it right to respond to violence with violence?
I wanted to leave a scar on his face that would never fade, so he’d think of me every time he looked in the mirror.
Maybe break one of his limbs, too.
If it got to that point, the police would get involved whether he wanted it or not.
But that’s okay. I have money.
It might be a bit troublesome, but it wouldn’t ruin my life.
Since suddenly becoming wealthy, the difference between having and not having money is stark.
With money, no matter what you do, you don’t fall to the bottom.
I sized up Park Jungsoo.
His jacket’s elbow was a bit worn out.
I can estimate pretty accurately.
He definitely doesn’t have as much money as I do.
I never wear the same clothes long enough for the elbows to wear out.
Suddenly, my mind is in turmoil.
If I have a lot of money and Park Jungsoo has less, everything becomes simpler.
I want to retract the offer I made to Park Jungsoo.
I should have just beaten him until my anger subsided, instead of giving him a choice.
My heart pounded.
Self-justification begins.
I’m not becoming like Park Jungsoo.
He resorted to violence for no reason, but I have a clear reason: revenge.
The impulse heated my body.
As my mouth grew dry, the phone in my pocket vibrated.
Ah, Hyunoh. I was startled and answered the call.
“Hello?”
– Where are you? Why aren’t you checking your messages?
“Oh, my class ended late.”
Hearing Hyunoh’s voice suddenly calmed the heat inside me.
Park Jungsoo glanced at me, trying to gauge my reaction.
– Your voice sounds strange. Did something happen?
I took a deep breath to calm myself.
The only time I can smile even when I don’t want to is in front of Hyunoh.
I softened my voice, making it as gentle and affectionate as possible, like I usually speak to Hyunoh.
“No, nothing. I’m just a bit tired. Sorry to keep you waiting.”
Park Jungsoo looked at me like he’d seen a ghost.
I always feel lost when Hyunoh says he worries about me being too gentle.
I’m not that good of a person. Often selfish and sometimes unable to control my impulses.
But with Hyunoh, I scrape together every bit of kindness buried deep within me.
Because I want to treat him well.
He deserves it.
* * *
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