* * *
As time goes on, we might unconsciously start having expectations.
But Hyunoh doesn’t know the most important thing.
The pain of loving Hyunoh isn’t really pain.
If it’s that kind of suffering, I’d gladly take it any number of times.
I never wished to become Hyunoh’s lover in the first place.
I vividly remember the vow I made five years ago.
I decided to love Hyunoh, even if he didn’t love me back.
I wanted to give him everything, without any reason.
But somehow, we ended up being intimate, and that feels like an incredible stroke of luck to me.
But Hyunoh wouldn’t understand.
I gently stroked Hyunoh’s wet hair with my palm.
“I’m sorry for being someone so hard to understand.”
Hyunoh sighed and leaned slightly against me.
“But if you’re thinking of leaving because you’re worried about me, please don’t. I’m really fine. I’m not lying.”
“…”
“I just want you to always think about your own happiness.”
After a long silence, Hyunoh spoke with a determined voice, stronger than usual.
“I’ll never fall for you.”
As if he was making a promise to himself, or threatening me.
“Having sex doesn’t change anything.”
Hyunoh glared at me with wide eyes.
Why did such a small gaze contain so much trouble?
It’s because he’s too kind-hearted.
He’s probably never used anyone before.
It’s pitiful.
That’s why I can’t help but love him.
My love for Hyunoh surged again, filling my chest.
The tightness in my chest felt welcoming.
Unknowingly, a smile crept onto my lips.
Hyunoh scolded me for smiling in this situation.
But I couldn’t stop smiling, feeling quite perplexed.
I buried my face in the space between Hyunoh’s shoulder and neck.
Hoping that one day he would understand that loving him is my mission, I spoke.
“Yeah. I know everything.”
“…You’re such a fool.”
Hyunoh spoke gruffly but didn’t push me away.
In a few hours, it would be September.
Would Hyunoh leave this house?
If he did, I’d be very sad.
I might even cry.
But I don’t have the right to hold him back.
Unrequited love means that we aren’t really anything to each other.
But I can handle it.
I’m confident in my perseverance.
***
September came.
Hyunoh didn’t leave the house.
I was purely happy.
I didn’t have any premature expectations.
Just the fact that he felt the need to keep me around was enough.
Even when Hyunoh occasionally smiled at me differently than before, or when I realized he was holding my hand longer than usual, I made an effort to kill any expectations.
Hyunoh doesn’t like me.
I kept telling myself.
Even if he starts to like me, I shouldn’t notice it first.
Hyunoh would definitely get angry and run away.
My only role is to wait.
Even if there’s nothing at the end of the waiting.
***
The start of the semester came.
This semester’s schedule was especially tight.
I had many early morning classes, which was worrying.
Hyunoh finishes his part-time job and gets home around 2 a.m.
If I wanted to spend even a little time with him, I would have to cut down on my sleeping hours.
On the first day, after finishing my major classes, I went to the last liberal arts lecture.
I sat at the back and opened my notebook.
Checking my wristwatch, I saw it was time for Hyunoh to leave for his part-time job.
I nervously picked up and put down my phone repeatedly.
After a while of deliberation, I sent a message on KakaoTalk.
“Are you on your way to work?”
Do you know how many minutes I spent thinking about sending you such a short message?
“I’m on my way.”
Hyunoh replied. I quickly responded and then stared blankly at the phone screen for a while.
“Take care.”
It’s still amazing and overwhelming that I can leave traces of Hyunoh on my phone.
I imagine Hyunoh’s thin, long fingers tapping on the phone screen.
Suddenly, my heart tingled. If I followed my heart, I’d skip the class and go to the store to see Hyunoh.
Just then, the professor entered the classroom and started calling attendance.
“Kim Chanyi.”
“Yes.”
I answered briefly, but my mind was still preoccupied with thoughts of Hyunoh.
“Park Jungsoo.”
“Yes.”
A familiar name forcibly dragged me out of my happy daydream.
The answer came from the row right behind me.
I turned my head, hoping it was someone with the same name, but there was Park Jungsoo, the person I knew.
Our eyes met, and I suddenly felt nauseous and dizzy.
At first, Park Jungsoo looked puzzled.
Then his eyes narrowed and a subtle smile appeared on his lips.
He had finally recognized me.
Park Jungsoo whispered quite loudly to the girls sitting next to him, who seemed to be his juniors.
“Hey, did I ever tell you about high school? I was pretty popular back then.”
The professor paused the attendance and glared at Park Jungsoo’s group.
“Can you keep it down over there?”
“Oh, sorry.”
Park Jungsoo replied shamelessly and then whispered to the girls in a lower voice.
“I’ll tell you later. It’s an interesting story.”
I hurriedly lowered my head to my desk.
My breath was shaky.
I could feel Park Jungsoo’s gaze on me.
My hands holding my knees trembled.
Images of that day flashed in my mind.
The green rooftop floor.
Red blood.
Heavy pain.
The sharp wind.
The phlegm that kept choking me.
Park Jungsoo’s insults.
My naked body.
I desperately took deep breaths.
It’s okay.
This isn’t the rooftop.
This isn’t that winter.
I’ve escaped.
I’m not the same Kim Chanyi from back then.
I repeated it to myself over and over.
These were the sentences I memorized countless times on mornings when I woke up from dreams that dug up the past.
Think of something else.
Something warm.
Something good.
Something fragrant.
Something not painful…
Hyunoh.
Before I knew it, I was gripping my phone.
Unconsciously, I sent a message to Hyunoh on KakaoTalk.
* * *
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