* * *
These days, I always enjoyed the way home.
Cleaning and exercising at home, the time for Hyunoh to come would arrive before I knew it.
Hyunoh always responded promptly when I asked when he would arrive.
He would come in through the front door and casually talk to me.
I can’t explain how lovely that routine was.
Can it continue like this?
What if Hyunoh decides to leave?
While eating, everything seemed fine, but I felt anxious going home.
Today, the path home felt unusually long.
I arrived home and waited for Hyunoh.
I skipped exercising and just wandered around the living room.
I bit my nails out of nervousness, a habit I thought I had broken.
I was too scared to ask when he would come today.
Around two in the morning, my anxiety peaked.
I was drinking cold water when I heard the front door lock click.
I jumped up, startled.
“Hyunoh.”
“…What’s with your expression?”
I must have looked ridiculous.
My face felt hot, so it must have turned red again.
Hyunoh took off his shoes and came inside.
I tried to calm down, following him while praying that our lovely routine wouldn’t crack.
Even though the cracks probably started from the moment I kissed him, I wanted to ignore them.
I believed we could patch up those cracks.
“Hyunoh. Aren’t you hungry?”
“No. I have something to say. Sit down.”
My heart sank.
“…What is it? Do I have to hear it now? I’m a bit sleepy.”
“It won’t take long.”
Hyunoh went to the sofa and patted the seat next to him.
I wanted to run away if I could. Is he going to say he’s leaving?
Probably.
I suddenly felt like crying.
I approached and sat next to him like a cow being led to slaughter.
I clasped my hands tightly on my knees.
“Chanyi.”
“Yeah…”
Would he forgive me if I knelt and begged?
“Hey, I’m sorry.”
“For what? Are you leaving?”
I unconsciously grabbed Hyunoh’s arm.
He looked at me, startled.
“Hyunoh. Don’t go. Summer isn’t over yet.”
I wished Korea would have summer all year round from now on.
Please.
Then I could use the heat as an excuse to keep him longer.
“What are you talking about? I didn’t say I’m leaving.”
“Oh.”
“It’s just, I feel like I made a mistake with you yesterday.”
I let go of his arm.
So he’s not leaving.
I finally relaxed.
But he made a mistake with me?
It wasn’t him; it was me.
As I looked puzzled, he bit his lip and continued.
“I really don’t remember. I don’t remember exactly what I did. But I feel like I made some mistake with you, anyway….”
He stuttered, which was unlike him.
“Hyunoh.”
“Yeah.”
“I really don’t get it. You didn’t make any mistakes.”
“No. Think carefully. There must be something.”
“Really, there isn’t.”
“I think I spoke harshly to you….”
He sighed deeply, covering his face with his hands.
After a few seconds, he removed his hands and spoke in a grave voice.
“If you don’t know, then fine.”
“Yeah. Don’t worry about it.”
Could it be because of the conversation right before the kiss?
Hyunoh is really kind and caring to a fault.
That’s his charm.
Anyone who knows him couldn’t help but love him.
“And it’s okay to be rough with me.”
“Hey. But….”
“I don’t mind anything you do. Don’t worry.”
He looked discontented. He sulked for a while before muttering.
“I don’t think you deserve such treatment.”
“I do.”
“Treat yourself better.”
“That’s what I want to say to you.”
“No, you treat me too well. Even if you owe me something, it’s too much. I don’t even remember.”
“No matter how well I treat you, it’s not enough. Just accept it comfortably.”
He pressed his lips into a thin line.
Some people don’t appreciate kindness and act arrogant, but Hyunoh just doesn’t know what to do.
My sweet, lovable Hyunoh.
“Hyunoh. Let’s stop talking about this. We’ll end up talking about the past. You don’t want that.”
If he didn’t want to face his past, I’d respect his wish.
As long as I remember, it’s fine.
Not that I could forget, even if I wanted to.
“…Okay. I just wanted to apologize.”
“You did nothing wrong.”
“But it feels off.”
He scratched the back of his head roughly.
“Does it really bother you?”
“It’s just… I feel uneasy letting it go like this.”
“Then can you do me a favor?”
“What is it?”
“You said you take three days off from your part-time job a month, right? Spend one of those days with me. You can refuse if you don’t want to.”
“What will we do?”
“Will you hang out with me?”
I was startled and looked at Hyunoh.
It was just a casual comment, but Hyunoh always surprises me.
Things I find difficult, he considers easy, and things I try to do effortlessly, he finds challenging.
“It’s not a big deal. I think I’ll be off next Wednesday. What do you want to do?”
“Just something like playing games?”
“That’s boring. I can do that without asking you.”
“What do friends usually do together?”
“Well, let me think about it.”
“Okay, thanks.”
My heart raced like crazy.
The thought of hanging out with Hyunoh was something I’d wanted since high school but never dared to imagine.
Hyunoh glanced at me.
Our eyes met, and he quickly looked away, muttering into the air.
“Hey, your face is red.”
“Really? Sorry.”
“Nothing to be sorry about. I’m going to take a shower.”
Hyunoh got up quickly and walked to the bathroom.
As soon as he disappeared, I collapsed sideways on the sofa.
My heart was pounding so hard it hurt.
What would make Hyunoh happy?
Just thinking about it every day until Wednesday felt like it would be bliss.
My head felt like it was about to explode.
I quickly scolded myself silently.
Hyunoh isn’t gay.
He doesn’t like me.
I’m just here to be a loyal friend.
I shouldn’t expect anything more…
Hanging out should just be as friends, not as a date.
I tried hard to hide my overflowing love for Hyunoh.
I couldn’t let it show how much I loved him, how long I had loved him.
I reflect on the feelings that arose when Hyunoh disappeared in the spring of my nineteenth year.
Love.
As soon as I realized it, it came violently, breaking open my closed heart and taking root inside me.
I couldn’t possibly resist it.
Since then, I haven’t been able to go a second without loving Hyunoh.
And it will probably be this way for a long time, until my feelings burn out to ashes.
I need to practice more patience.
* * *
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