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Kim Chanyi, 24 Years Old, A Summer of Patience
***
Hyunoh is wonderful.
He always has been, and he still is.
And now, sometimes, he’s even cute.
At this moment, Hyunoh is eating dried pollack soup with a tense expression.
“How does it taste?”
“…It’s okay.”
Hyunoh still can’t meet my eyes.
He’s trying hard to act nonchalant.
“Hey.”
I push the stir-fried sausage and vegetables slightly toward Hyunoh as I respond.
“Huh?”
“Did I… do something wrong yesterday? I don’t remember.”
Hyunoh’s eyes wavered anxiously.
His voice was the same.
I tried to muster the kindest, gentlest smile I could.
“Yesterday? No. You went straight to bed.”
“Oh, um… that’s good.”
Hyunoh resumed eating silently.
I took a sip of juice, trying not to agitate him.
I hoped he wouldn’t feel uncomfortable and would stay here for a long time.
Nothing happened last night. It had to be that way.
Last night, I made a huge mistake.
I got swayed by Hyunoh’s drunken antics.
Everything I had been desperately acting and enduring for nearly fell apart in an instant.
Sometimes, I got aroused just by looking at Hyunoh.
Living in the same house, there were many painful moments.
Countless sleepless nights heated by desire.
I am sexually attracted to Hyunoh.
But my feelings don’t matter.
What matters is always Hyunoh.
He said he didn’t like the idea of me having feelings for him.
He didn’t want any special relationship.
So, I should do what he wants.
I’ve already stubbornly kept him in my house.
My persistence should be enough.
I didn’t want to demand anything more from him.
My role is just to support him from behind, so he can live comfortably.
Feeding him good food, giving him a nice place to sleep.
If he allows it, I want to fill this house with things he likes.
Watching him smile quietly from the side would be more than enough.
So, what I did last night was wrong.
Wanting to kiss him, kissing him was wrong.
I fell for his gentle teasing so easily it was almost laughable.
I overestimated my patience.
It’s a relief that Hyunoh pretended to forget.
I couldn’t sleep a wink, fearing he would run out screaming he couldn’t live with a pervert like me.
I need to remember: I don’t matter.
What matters is always Hyunoh.
Forget the kiss.
Forget the feel of his lips, the shell of his ear, the muscles at the nape of his neck, his quick pulse.
Forget it all.
I tried to converse normally.
“Did you finish eating?”
Hyunoh still couldn’t look me in the eye.
“Yes. Aren’t you going to school?”
“The professor isn’t there on Sundays. I can go anytime.”
“Are you going now?”
Hyunoh glanced at me cautiously.
“Yes.”
“I’ll do the dishes.”
“No. Just wash up and get ready. You’ll be late for work.”
“But, the dishes…”
At first, Hyunoh used to act tough around me, maybe thinking I might mistreat him.
Lately, he’s been trying to help with housework more often.
He’s naturally a kind person.
I felt sad every time he tried to be considerate towards me.
He doesn’t have to.
He can really treat me however he wants.
It was my decision to make him live with me in the first place.
He didn’t want it, but I wanted to take care of him.
He could enjoy it with peace of mind.
Yet, he’s trying to become a responsible housemate.
His soft kindness is unbearably lovely and heartbreaking at the same time.
I had no choice but to let him have the sink.
I got ready and said goodbye to Hyunoh.
“Hyunoh, I’m heading out.”
Hyunoh glanced at me briefly and shrugged.
“Okay.”
I smiled outwardly but felt desolate inside as I left the house.
When I arrived at the lab, one of my senior classmates looked at me with wide eyes.
“Why do you look so down?”
“Do I? Am I?”
“You look like you could kill someone.”
I tried to relax my stiff face and smile faintly, but it didn’t work.
I could only force myself to smile when I was with Hyunoh.
In the lab, I spent hours silently gathering experimental results and delivering them to my seniors.
During breaks, I naturally thought of Hyunoh.
The kiss from last night kept coming back, and I felt hot below the waist.
I wanted to kill myself right then.
Can this continue?
Can we keep living normally like this?
I was scared. It was becoming harder to maintain composure.
I might start getting aroused just looking at his lips.
Imagining what might come after the kiss surged uncontrollably.
If I pressed behind his ear, he would moan.
What if I licked it instead of pressing?
He’s gotten thinner since high school.
What do his chest and abdomen look like?
Would his chest arouse him?
What face would he make when he climaxed?
I snapped out of it and banged my head on the desk.
How could I harbor such feelings for him?
It’s really disgusting.
My patience was this limited.
I closed my eyes tightly and repeated to myself:
Hyunoh isn’t gay. He doesn’t like me.
I’m just here to serve him. I shouldn’t want anything more.
The day was a mess, filled with turmoil.
Late at night, as I left the lab, a senior approached me.
“Chanyi, want to go on a blind date?”
“A blind date?”
“She’s really pretty.”
“I’m not interested.”
“Why don’t you ever date?”
I just smiled silently.
There was a time when I considered trying to date someone.
After Hyunoh disappeared suddenly, I wandered aimlessly among people while attending university.
But it was all failures.
At nineteen, I grew older without properly tying up my feelings for Hyunoh.
Maybe I’m still living in the past.
To meet someone new, you have to end your past love.
I thought I would quietly love Hyunoh until I was exhausted and gave up.
Perhaps one day, only gratitude will remain instead of affection.
Then maybe I could date.
But now is not the time.
I’m burning fiercely, striving to turn into ashes.
I’m loving Hyunoh earnestly.
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