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Kim Chanyi, 19 Years Old, Dreaded Winter
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Second year is almost over.
Spring break starts next week.
The atmosphere in the classroom has become noticeably heavier compared to a few months ago.
Everyone was feeling the pressure of truly becoming seniors now.
Even the students who never studied suddenly bought mock test workbooks and made a fuss.
The shadow on my face was no less than anyone else’s.
But it wasn’t because of the CSAT or college.
Those things didn’t matter to me.
I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to see Hyunoh anymore.
A classroom without Hyunoh would be dreadful.
Every night, I prayed to be in the same class as Hyunoh in our third year before falling asleep.
The classroom just before spring break was dull and quiet.
Teachers let us study on our own instead of teaching.
I lazily worked on my workbook and glanced sideways at the window seat.
Hyunoh was staring out the window with his chin resting on his hand.
There wasn’t even a pencil case on his desk, let alone a workbook.
I wondered what Hyunoh was thinking. I couldn’t see his face.
Only his calm nape was like a picture there.
The distance between us was too great.
Except for the beginning of the semester, I was never paired with Hyunoh.
I always watched him from afar.
Lately, I had many sleepless nights.
The growing pains that had been quiet in middle school started late.
It felt like someone was hammering my knees and ankles.
But thinking of Hyunoh made the aching pain a little more bearable.
I imagined being as tall as Hyunoh and seeing him eye to eye.
It would be even better if I grew taller than him.
I wanted to quietly look at the top of his head at least once.
Every night, I would carefully recall small but precious memories with Hyunoh.
The first day we were paired, the day we met at the library, playing badminton during gym class, and so on.
Hyunoh probably doesn’t remember these moments properly.
I was really happy when we played badminton together in the second semester.
For a performance assessment, we were paired according to our attendance numbers.
For about a month, I could see Hyunoh’s face every gym class.
Just because we did a performance assessment together didn’t mean I would become friends with Hyunoh.
But just being able to be with the person I admired was enough.
When I was nervously fiddling with my badminton racket next to Hyunoh, Park Jungsoo approached and sneered.
“Hey. Hyunoh Kim. Are you okay with playing with him?”
Hyunoh looked back at Jungsoo. I tensed up and stepped back from them. I wasn’t scared of Jungsoo. But hearing rejection from Hyunoh was scarier than anything in the world.
“Why?”
“Because of Kim Chanyi, you might fail the assessment.”
When Jungsoo was alone, he insulted me by calling me a piglet, but when Hyunoh was around, he changed his tone to get his attention.
Yet, he would also badmouth Hyunoh to others, calling him a useless goody-two-shoes.
Hyunoh shrugged his shoulders.
“I don’t know. I think he’ll do well. I’m the one who’s bad at badminton.”
Hyunoh suddenly turned to me and said,
“Kim Chanyi. Sorry in advance.”
I was so startled that I almost hiccupped.
“Huh? Oh, no.”
Jungsoo pursed his lips for a moment and then quickly turned away.
I thought it was cool how Hyunoh gently put Jungsoo in his place.
But I wondered if Hyunoh was really annoyed to be my partner.
That was the only thing I was curious about.
I weighed over 100 kg.
I had no talent for physical activities.
On the other hand, Hyunoh was good at any sport.
It was obvious to anyone that I would hold him back.
I hesitated and spoke to Hyunoh.
“Uh, Hyunoh.”
“Yeah.”
“You can ask to change partners if you want.”
Hyunoh looked at me blankly.
His face was serious.
I swallowed nervously and continued.
“The teacher said we could ask if we wanted to change partners….”
“Why would I do that?”
“Huh? Oh, because I’m not good at sports. You might not get a good score because of me.”
“Oh, is that what you meant? I thought….”
Hyunoh relaxed his face and shrugged.
“It doesn’t matter. I don’t care about the performance assessment anyway.”
“But still….”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“…Okay.”
I wished we could have gym class all day.
Gym used to be my least favorite subject.
For a month, I circled the gym periods on my schedule and waited for them eagerly.
Hyunoh always moved swiftly.
Sometimes, when he lunged to return a shot, his loose gym shirt would ride up, showing a glimpse of his smooth abs.
My face would get hot in an instant, and I would fumble and miss the shuttlecock.
My badminton skills were terrible.
Our doubles team had a huge skill gap.
I once overheard the gym teacher suggesting to Hyunoh that he switch partners because it would be more beneficial to practice with someone of similar skill level.
Hyunoh just smiled and said nothing.
Our pairing didn’t change.
I was grateful to Hyunoh for putting up with me, slow and clumsy as I was.
Did Hyunoh know?
If he had abandoned me, I would have been shamed, drifting among the other students without a partner, as no one else wanted to pair with me.
For the first time, I wanted to lose weight.
I wanted to move as swiftly as Hyunoh.
Though other kids teased me, I never thought being fat was a sin.
It was just a matter of weighing a bit more than others.
No one had the right to judge my body.
I didn’t want to be pushed into dieting by anyone else.
Not by my father’s nagging or Jungsoo’s insults.
None of that could push me to the gym.
Only Hyunoh could.
Only Hyunoh made me think completely differently.
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