* * *
“Kim Chanyi.”
“Yes?”
Kim Chanyi looked at me with a tense expression.
I was surprised myself after calling out to him.
I didn’t intend to talk, but my mouth moved first.
Is my head full of thoughts about Kim Chanyi?
His hurt expression kept flashing before my eyes.
Even though the conclusion wouldn’t change, I should give a bit more explanation.
There’s nothing worse than facing unhappiness without knowing the reason.
“I don’t like seeing you.”
“Oh….”
Kim Chanyi’s eyelashes fluttered rapidly. His lips twitched as if to apologize.
I quickly cut him off.
“It’s not because you did anything wrong.”
“……”
“This is just my issue. A problem with my feelings.”
Kim Chanyi just nodded.
I didn’t know if he understood what I was saying.
“So stop apologizing. You don’t have to be sorry for everything.”
Suddenly, Kim Chanyi’s eyes widened.
His eyes were red and his pupils were moist.
He hesitated for a while before finally speaking.
“That comment…”
“What?”
“You said the exact same thing before.”
“What are you talking about?”
“In high school.”
“I don’t remember.”
Memories of the past drift through my mind like faint afterimages.
Just those images are painful enough.
There’s no way I’d remember what I said back then.
I sighed irritably and spoke.
“Yeah. This is the problem. We have a problem.”
“Huh?”
“You remember me too well. I hate that. I had forgotten everything. When I’m with you, it feels like the past is going to come back.”
I inadvertently revealed a deeply hidden shame.
As I spoke, I got excited without realizing it.
Before I knew it, my voice was shaking uncontrollably. I regretted it immediately.
Kim Chanyi probably didn’t know what I went through in the past.
This is really my personal issue.
What if he starts prying, asking why, asking what happened?
Suddenly, I was scared.
My inner self is too fragile.
It would shatter and get hurt if someone poked at it even a little.
My uncle, who persistently contacted me, often used the word “trauma.”
“You need to overcome that trauma. Don’t let trauma ruin you.”
Whenever I heard those words, I thought he was unnecessarily using English that didn’t even resonate with me.
In short, I am a broken person.
Broken to the point where I can’t function properly anymore.
What happens to a broken machine?
It gets discarded.
Or it gets taken apart completely and becomes part of another machine.
That’s how my life should be too.
Either discarded from the world, or dismantled so thoroughly that no trace of Kim Hyunoh remains, living a different life.
Kim Chanyi suddenly interrupted that process.
My head started to hurt rapidly.
I didn’t want to hear what Kim Chanyi would say next.
Whatever it would be, it would surely scrape at my insides.
“Hyunoh. Then…”
“Yeah.”
“Can’t you forget that we were classmates?”
“What?”
“We didn’t know each other. We met here for the first time. I’m just a regular at your store, and you’re just a part-timer there. That’s enough, isn’t it? What do you think? I’ll be careful. I won’t talk about the past at all.”
I couldn’t easily answer.
This was an unexpected turn of events.
It was surprising, but it didn’t scrape at my insides.
“Hyunoh. Actually, I really hate my past too.”
Kim Chanyi’s voice became the heaviest I had ever heard from him.
Contrary to his appearance, his voice was very low.
I flinched for a moment. I thought maybe Kim Chanyi and I might have something in common.
Even though I didn’t really know him, I felt a petty sense of relief that his briefly exposed wound resembled mine.
This is a useless bond, but I leaned on it anyway.
I’m not the only one broken… A sweet whisper was heard.
“If possible, I want to be a person of the present to you, not a person of the past.”
Kim Chanyi cautiously asked again, watching my reaction.
“…Is that okay?”
I stared blankly into Kim Chanyi’s eyes.
He was desperate.
Had I ever been so desperate about anything?
I suddenly felt strange reflecting on myself.
“Why do you need to go that far?”
“I want to get closer to you.”
“To seduce me?”
“No. I asked you to forget about the confession. That was… I said it because I thought you were gay. I don’t expect anything like that now. Don’t worry.”
“Then why are you doing this?”
“I want to help you.”
“Do you pity me?”
Kim Chanyi quickly waved his hands.
“That’s not what I meant. I want to repay you. If you need something, I want to give it to you.”
“Repay? What kind of repayment?”
“You helped me.”
“When?”
“When we were nineteen…”
What is he talking about?
Nineteen was when I was at my worst.
Didn’t I meet him when we were eighteen?
At nineteen, I transferred schools.
Did something happen during the spring break?
My forehead furrowed naturally.
Kim Chanyi hurriedly added more words.
“If you don’t remember, that’s fine. As long as I don’t forget.”
“Yeah. I don’t want to remember.”
“Okay.”
I pressed my temples with my index finger.
Kim Chanyi moved his red, thick lips rapidly, persuading me without rest.
“I was originally satisfied just watching over you. But when you said you didn’t want to see me at all, it drove me crazy. I still owe you so much.”
“……”
“So I’m saying this out of desperation. I’m prepared for this to be the last time.”
“You’re really strange.”
“I know. But please think about it seriously, just once.”
“I…”
I sighed and rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand.
“I don’t like that you think of me as special.”
“Hyunoh.”
Kim Chanyi called me desperately.
“That’s what I hate! I hate it when you call me ‘Hyunoh’ like you’ll die without me.”
“I won’t do it anymore.”
* * *
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