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Kim Hyunoh, 24 Years Old, Strange Summer
***
“…You liked me since high school? All this time?”
“Yeah.”
I looked into Kim Chanyi’s eyes.
They were shimmering with tears, like slow waves in the sea.
“Hey. Wait, wait a minute.”
I turned away, tilting my head back to face the dark sky, taking deep breaths.
My insides were in chaos. I didn’t know how to look at Kim Chanyi’s face.
This situation wasn’t in my plans.
How could I escape smoothly from here?
“Hyunoh.”
I heard Kim Chanyi’s desperate voice calling me from behind.
He continued in a slightly trembling tone.
“I’ve never come out to anyone before. I’m glad I told you first. I really liked you. I still do.”
For a moment, I wanted to cut off my ears.
I also wanted to stomp my feet and scream.
I didn’t want to believe this reality.
How could I tell him it was all a lie, that I pretended to be gay just to push him away?
That would be too cruel.
I closed my eyes tightly and took a couple of deep breaths.
When my racing heart calmed down a bit, I looked back at Kim Chanyi.
His eyes were red like a rabbit’s.
“Hey.”
“Yes.”
“Let’s just say I didn’t hear your confession.”
Kim Chanyi’s face crumbled like a dying man’s.
His expression changed so rapidly that I felt like a huge sinner.
“…Why?”
I bit my lips hard.
“You’re not my type.”
“But…!”
“Sorry.”
I was planning to escape from him at this point.
However, Kim Chanyi urgently grabbed my shoulder, making me flinch instinctively under his large shadow.
Kim Chanyi was taller and had broader shoulders than me.
“You said earlier that I might be mistaken because of you. So, doesn’t that mean there’s a possibility?”
I recalled what I had said just a minute ago.
I told him I liked men and that if he kept doing this, I might get confused.
Oh, I wanted to go back in time and slap my mouth.
“…I was just saying. Anyway, you’re not my type, so let me go.”
Kim Chanyi shook his head quickly. His hair rustled.
“I’ll do well.”
“What do you mean by ‘do well’?”
Oh, please.
“Give me a chance.”
“No.”
“Please. Hyunoh, I’ll do whatever you say. Just tell me.”
“Well, there’s one thing I’d like you to stop doing. Don’t come to see me. Got it?”
Kim Chanyi visibly deflated, looking nervous.
“And I’m not the kind of guy you liked before. You can tell just by looking, can’t you?”
“No, you’re the same as before. Still kind and cool….”
“That’s funny. At least put some saliva on your lips before you lie.”
“It’s true.”
Kim Chanyi looked at me with wide eyes as if defying me.
His gentle expression wasn’t threatening. Looking at his face softened my heart.
His eyes had a unique power that disarmed people.
Why won’t he give up?
Kim Chanyi didn’t seem ready to let me go.
I sighed softly. If I stayed like this, I might get swept away by his pace.
In the end, I had no choice but to become a jerk.
Seeing Kim Chanyi brought back blurry old memories with painful clarity.
Just that was already torture, but knowing he liked me was even worse.
The past was horrible, and love was even more so.
At least for me. Kim Chanyi felt like a bundle of pain.
I decided to cut him off selfishly and cruelly, resolving to speak.
“If I said I didn’t like you, understand it the first time. Don’t make me exhausted. I don’t even want to see your face. What’s the same as before? Do I look good to you now?”
“Hyunoh, that’s not….”
“You must feel very relaxed and generous now that you’ve become rich. But not me. I’m working part-time to pay rent, living expenses, and saving from there. I’m barely surviving. So, please don’t get on my nerves.”
My chest stung. Was this really okay? I wasn’t someone who should be hurting others.
“And it’s all a lie.”
“What?”
“I was just saying I liked men to push you away.”
“……”
My eyes stung.
A bug that was circling the nearby light must have lost its way and flown towards my eyes.
I irritably waved my hand to chase the bug away.
“I dislike seeing you that much.”
Once I started talking, I couldn’t stop.
My mouth moved on its own.
Every time Kim Chanyi’s eyes wavered, I felt it wasn’t right, but I stubbornly continued being mean.
I had to let him know that I wasn’t the nice and cool Kim Hyunoh he used to know.
Kim Chanyi said nothing.
“Now, are you satisfied? Let go.”
I lightly tapped the back of his hand.
It was almost laughable how easily he let go of me after holding on so tightly just moments ago.
His hand fell limply.
“Seriously, don’t come looking for me. Got it?”
I threatened him and turned away.
Leaving Kim Chanyi behind, I quickly walked across the large field and ran straight home.
When I opened the door to my small room, hot air hit my face.
This summer was unusually hot. It was early July, but already too hot to sleep at night.
Irritated, I threw off my clothes and went into the bathroom.
Pouring cold water over my head, I anxiously bit my lip.
My heart was pounding as if it would explode.
Given that I had done something so out of line, it made sense. I wasn’t someone who should be hurting others.
The only person who should get hurt was me.
But this time, I had no choice. If I hadn’t, Kim Chanyi wouldn’t have left me alone.
I tried to justify myself internally.
“Damn….”
It felt like the bug that had flown into my eye earlier was still stuck there.
I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand several times. Yet, my eyes kept itching for a long time.
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