* * *
That evening, Hesia appeared in my dream, fluttering like a butterfly.
His face was young and delicate, just like on the ordinary day we first met. Looking exactly like a young cherub statue, he moved his small lips.
Perhaps because it was a dream, I couldn’t hear his voice, but I could easily tell what Hesia wanted to say.
Like calling something unparalleled in the world, like gazing at a jewel that even God would not dare touch, like desperately reaching out for salvation that had personally descended to the lowest place.
There was only one thing he would whisper.
Vivi.
…My name.
Sha, even in a dream, you call me with such an expression.
I tilted my head, looking at Hesia who was clinging to my leg.
Hesia, who was blinking his big, round eyes adorably, moved his lips.
‘I really missed you. How about you, Vivi? Did Vivi miss me too? Huh? Did you miss me? You did, didn’t you? At a time like this, you should say you missed me even if you didn’t! You know that, right?’
He was earnestly chattering, but the answer to his question was already decided.
Instead of saying that I was with him just a few minutes, maybe hours ago, I lifted his small body.
His body was soft and warm, feeling like it would burst if I gave it just a little more pressure.
His tearful face, looking up at me, was exactly like a steamed bun soaked in water.
“I missed you. Of course, I missed you.”
I sat on the floor, placed Hesia on my lap, and whispered.
A tender expression came naturally, without effort.
Hesia looked at me with a strange face.
He put his hands on the floor and leaned back.
Hesia gazed at me relentlessly, like a cat tracking a toy.
Perhaps because the gaze was now as familiar as a part of his body, I didn’t feel any discomfort from the eyes that followed me no matter what I did.
I hummed a tune, taking in the sky that was as blue as a painting.
I realized that I was habitually patting his small back.
Hesia rested his cheek on my chest as if it were the most natural thing.
His face, squashed against my chest, was quite cute.
I played with him, repeatedly slipping my finger in and out of his slightly parted lips.
The white tooth peeking out from his red mouth was small.
“Perhaps because he’s a baby, there’s no part of him that isn’t small.”
His teeth, his tongue, his hands, his feet…
It was hard to believe he was the same person as the big child I would see when I opened my eyes.
“How could I have left this small thing behind?”
I suddenly felt that my past self was truly remarkable.
How could I have died, leaving behind this child who made me the most amazing person in the world with just a glance?
Death, which had moved one step away without my knowing, looked at me.
With a face that felt somewhat unfamiliar and distant.
‘Because you are a heartless person.‘
“Didn’t you once call me the kindest person in the world? Was that a lie?”
I lightly asked, playfully poking his squashed cheek with the back of my hand.
At my words, Hesia narrowed his round eyes, then chuckled and shook his head flutteringly.
‘Kindness and heartlessness are synonyms. Because you are kind, you can also be infinitely heartless. That’s what I think.‘
Hesia tilted his head and smiled, saying it was perhaps too obvious a thought, since the only kind person around him was me, and that kind person was more heartless than anyone else.
It was innocent, yet subtly bitter.
My white, young boy.
My one and only lingering attachment.
My child, surprisingly firm, yet sometimes too young.
“When I say I want to die, it’s not the same as saying I want to abandon you.”
‘…‘
“It’s just that I am too weak of a person. Too flawed of a person. I am not a good enough person to be able to love someone, and to endure that feeling… That’s all it is.”
The young face looked up at me.
Feeling an unbearable affection, I brushed his bangs back.
The round forehead that was revealed was lovely.
My lips, cold as those of the dead, gently settled upon his skin, which smelled faintly sweet.
Hesia’s long, light pink eyelashes fluttered at the lukewarm breath that touched his lips.
I kept my lips attached and whispered with eyes tinged with a faint smile.
“I still don’t understand why you love me so much. But Sia, though the weight and meaning may differ, I love you in my own way. Please know that much.”
‘Enough to think it’s insufficient even if I bring all the shining words in the world and attach them before your name.’
Hesia’s cheeks flushed beautifully at my tenderly whispered words.
I laughed softly at the sight, then lay down long on the floor.
I slowly blinked my eyes, which were growing dim, holding the warm, sweet-smelling child close in my arms.
“So, Sia, don’t hate too much.”
‘Hate what? …You?‘
It was a sentence that sounded like the thought, ‘How dare I?‘
As if his feeling of being languidly relaxed in my arms was a lie, I lightly poked his suddenly haughtily raised eyes with my fingertip and chuckled.
I looked at the child, who was entertaining a thought he had never even considered, with sweet eyes, then curved the corners of my eyes.
“No. Just, this world. Everything that breathes and lives in this world. A person like me, who has nothing, can hate the world. But Sia, you have too much. If someone like you were to hate the world, there would certainly be a great disaster.”
‘…man. I only need…‘
“Huh? What did you say?”
I cocked my head, saying I didn’t hear him clearly.
Hesia looked up at me while lying on my stomach, then sat up.
Our large pink Kitty shamelessly sat on my belly.
The heavy weight felt just like gravity.
The only thing that made me cling to this earth looked at me.
It smiled.
He managed to do it well, even with an expression that looked like he was about to burst into tears.
Then, he looked straight down at me, as if asking me to listen carefully.
The child who looked down on others even when he was at the very bottom would become exceptionally docile when he stood before me.
Was a human being capable of looking down on another with such tenderness and affection?
Ah, I don’t know.
I smiled faintly and looked at the child.
Sia, ‘Hesia’, smiled back.
A small hand stretched out with the light falling like a guillotine from above gently touched my cheek.
I just quietly watched Hesia’s movements.
‘You cruel person.‘
Where in this world is there such a thing as a kind hell…
You told me that salvation exists even in an Asura whom even God abandoned.
I told you that I only need you, but you didn’t even listen to that.
You put God into your mouth while wearing the portrait of an unbeliever, offering a terrible comfort that will be etched into my soul and never erased.
‘Do you know this, Vivi? People call someone like you a Guilty Man. A Guilty Man. You bad Criminal!‘
When I, who had suddenly become a criminal, made a strange expression, Hesia burst into a flood of laughter.
I heard nothing, but strangely, I felt Hesia’s unique laugh brushing past my ears.
I traced the laughter that lingered like a hallucination, then closed and opened my eyes, and a large Siadow came into my sight.
The eyes, full of a clear tranquility that felt like it could be grasped at any moment, were gently closed.
It was not difficult to imagine the pupils hidden behind the thin skin.
How much time passed like that?
His firmly closed lips parted slightly, and a gentle voice flowed out.
“Vivi, have you finished looking at my pretty face? Oh dear, your gaze is so fervent… Ah, it’s hot! I think I’ve been burned. Blow on it, ooh-ooh.”
I stared at him with a bewildered look as he chattered nonsense without even opening his eyes.
The funny thing was that laughter burst out before any criticism could be uttered.
Hesia’s eyes snapped open at the laughter that erupted like a sneeze.
His pupils, which knew no wandering, headed straight for me without hesitation, reflecting my image.
“Why? Am I pretty?”
“You’ve always been pretty.”
“…Hmph, hngh! Do you think I’d be pleased if you agreed so readily?”
“Why don’t you lower the corner of your lips if you’re going to pout?”
I gently lowered the corner of his lips, which were raised high enough to pierce the sky, with my fingertip.
He pouted for a moment at my teasing words.
Then, Hesia quickly composed his expression, looked at me with somewhat complicated eyes, and stood up from my body.
He then retrieved a paper that was placed on the nearby table.
“What is it?”
“A letter that flew to me.”
“Hmm, the paper quality is rather poor for something sent to the Prince…”
“That’s because it’s a secret.”
Hesia replied casually, as if stating the obvious, and held the paper out to me.
He then began to read certain sentences from the paper, which looked like an ordinary letter.
“’Haen De Winter’s madness has worsened. Confirmed to still be seeing Vivisian’s phantom. Confirmation is necessary, but it appears he knows of Vivisian’s survival. Please confirm this matter.’…”
“Suddenly, what—.”
The moment I tried to bolt upright from the soft bed, Hesia, who was looking at me with a calm face, gently pressed my shoulder.
He laid me back down on the bed, combed my hair with his hand, and whispered the incredible words.
Quite tenderly, too.
“Vivi, Haen De Winter is looking for you.”
* * *
